thanksgiving eve

O Give thanks to the LORD, for He is good!
For His mercy endures forever!
Let the redeemed of the LORD say so,
Whom He has redeemed from the hand of the enemy,
And gathered out of the lands,
From the east and from the west,
From the north and from the south.

They wandered in the wilderness in a desolate way,
They found no city to dwell in.
Hungry and Thirsty, their soul fainted in them.
Then they cried out the to LORD in their trouble,
And He delivered them out of their distresses.
And He led them forth by the right way,
That they might go to a city for a dwelling place.

Oh that men would give thanks to the LORD for His goodness,
And for His wonderful works to the children of men!
For He satisfies the longing soul
And fills the hungry soul with goodness.

Psalm 107

Stories and Soup

Since my post called "Story of my Life" God has not stopped talking to me about stories. Actually it probably started even before that with "Show me Your Glory". I wrote about how in the old testament when Moses was leading the people of Israel through the dessert towards the land God had promised to them, God got angry at the people because they were basically telling Him that they didn't want him and his ways anymore. So He was telling Moses that He wasn't going to go back on His promise, they could still move on the the promised land but He wasn't going to go with them (Exodus 33). I wonder if this was almost like a test for Moses. Because I really believe that, although the promised land was a physical place that God promised to Abraham, it is also a spiritual reality of closeness and rest and friendship with God (Hebrews 4). I wonder if He was testing Moses to see if he would be happy with just the physical place or if Moses heart really wanted God himself. Moses came to a place where He had to make a choice about what direction this story was going to go. He could chose to be satisfied with this and continue towards the land with the people and without God's presence. It would still be a little adventure with a decent reward.  But Moses decided instead that he didn't want just a nice little story with a manageable ambition. He wanted a story that couldn't be written alone, that couldn't be possible without God, he knew the existence of the nation of Israel would be empty and meaningless without God himself. He knew his own existence would be meaningless without God. He preferred to abandon the story altogether if the quest was not led by God and with Him and to Him. So he refused to go on. He told God that if He didn't come with them they wouldn't move  And then when God agreed to come along Moses showed Him what his heart was really traveling for. Moses wanted to know God, he wanted to see Him and know His name and His character and His ways. He wanted to know who "I AM" was and He wanted to be where "I AM" was and know what "I AM" could do. He knew that would be a story worth living, an ambition worth giving his life leading a nation of stubborn people for. Isn't is true that the reason we study Moses is not because of what he did, lead the people out of Egypt, but that he sought Gods face and God spoke to him face to face like a friend. And isn't it true that the nation of Israel is not significant today because they made it to the land that God promised but that the tiny insignificant nation is in fact still here today and still fighting for their existence and that God is still with them, writing a story that will testify to the world that the LORD, He is God.

I think we are all familiar with the art of "getting by", but what about the "art of losing myself in bringing You fame"? Ive been reading a book about this idea of stories and what makes a good story and what kind of character you want to be in your story etc etc. (A Million Miles in A Thousand Years) One thing Donald Miller describes is that there is a difference between a good story and a great story. A good story is nice, people like it, they can identify, its funny and enjoyable. But he says a great story is different, favorite stories have two important elements regarding the ambition of the character : it must be very difficult to attain; and the ambition should require sacrifice. In the best stories the character should have to sacrifice his life for the good of someone else.
I had to agree with him there (and a lot of other places in the book). My favorite movies to watch are the epic ones where Frodo is practically killed by his quest by the time he destroys the ring, to save the whole of Middle Earth. Or okay take the Hunger games, a lot of life at risk there. I mean isn't Twilight even along these lines? The stories we get the most worked up about are the ones where someones life is at stake and the prize is nothing short of saving the world, each other, or the love of whoevers' life.

As my heart has been opening to this idea that God is writing my life like a story and that it has ambition, direction, and purpose; I have begun to notice that at some points along the way I have a choice to make in the progress of my story.  I can decide to aim myself more for just the physical temporary pleasures. I can create goals to arrive at certain levels of success, and there is nothing wrong with that. But I feel the Author asking my heart if I want just an ordinary nice good story or  if I want the extraordinary one that He has written in his heart and is always waiting to lead me in. The one that "No eye has seen or ear heard or heart ever even dreamed" the one that is "abundantly more than I have asked or imagined" the one that includes "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you a hope and a future". And my heart says "yes yes yes! I want it and nothing less, I want you and nothing less!" and then He answers, "it will cost you your comfort, it will cost you your idea of safety, it will cost you your temporary earthly pleasures, it will cost you your heart. Your very life. If anyone loses his life for my sake, he will find it. If anyone will come after me he must deny himself, take up his cross and follow me. You will have to lay down your name and take up Mine."
It reminds me of where the title of my blog comes from, homesick for holiness. Holiness is my aim because thats what Jesus wants for me, because He knows its what is best for me. Intimacy with Jesus is my hearts desire, because his love is written on my heart. I cannot settle for less than a story wrapped up in pursuing Him and His face and His heart and His ways and His love. Because I was made for it. And it's a story of risk and learning and hurting and falling and running and missing and dyeing and living and loving. So I'm with Moses, Im not moving unless you come with me! I quit unless it is all about you! Its all about You or else its just not worth it.

Hear O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. You shall love the Lord your God with all of your heart, with all of your soul and with all of your strength.

...And the Lord commanded us to observe all these statutes, to fear the Lord our God, for our good always, that He might preserve us alive, as it is this day. 

You said this to keep me safe. I try to keep myself safe in my own story, safe, comfortable, and in control, but there I die and my story fades into anything but memorable. For it is only in your will that I am free, only in your story. Only in your glory that I am alive and my story is moving and worth watching.

 I am not made to survive, I am made to thrive.


So that brings me to soup. What? yepp. Because I just described a pretty epic story. I just described what I claim to be the purpose of my everyday life. To know God, and to love Him, and to make Him known. But life doesn't feel so epic these days. It has at times, I like my story. I treasure my testimony, how God called me and helped me obey him and then showed me his peace and his love his grace and fellowship with His Spirit. I love how he has taught me, how he has changed me. I have real experience, real encounter with the living God to share. I can sing, Jesus Jesus how I trust Him, how I've proved him over and over. His spirit is water to my soul, His words are bread to my body, His face is my light. His promise is my hope.

When you said, "Seek my face" My heart said to you, "Your face, O Lord, I will seek. Do not hide your face from me. Do not turn your face away from me in anger. You have been my help, Do not leave me or forsake me, O God of my Salvation...

I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.

Psalm 27

I also recently read Pilgrims Progress. Christian would agree with me that although the journey of living for God is awesome, there are valleys and seasons that don't feel as exciting. They don't feel full of life, it doesn't feel like winning. It feels like soup.
I was telling my now official friend, Elisa, how this chapter of my story has felt like yes God is teaching and I hear things and learn things and am on a different word or idea every other week. It's "thankful" or "wisdom" or "gifts" or "light" or "simple" or "hope" or "holiness" or "story"...but nothing seems to sink in and really come out of my heart. It just all goes in and swirls around. We thought maybe its like soup. Like God is adding all the ingredients for a good story, a tasty soup, and its just simmering inside, getting ready for the moment when it can be ladled out and passed around the table for all to enjoy. Like all these things that God is putting in me, they make me who I am. They are not random and they are not purposeless.
Another thing she said that stuck with me (besides the soup) was the simple fact that God is still just as present during seasons of waiting and simmering as He is during the climatic times of our lives when things change and you can feel and see it all. He is still writing the parts that seem boring to us. And he actually isn't bored with it. Which is what we are sometimes afraid of i think, like oh man if I don't get myself together quick God is just going to get sick of this and move on to someone else. The crazy thing is that I think he might like this part the best of all. The part where he is developing our character and bringing all things together for the next climax. I kinda picture someone who is passionate about cooking, or creating; they love the process! They actually enjoy the mess of everything all over the kitchen and this goes in at this time and this flavor works well with that one. Or like when I'm sewing and I just have buttons and thread and fabric and patterns all over the floor. Its a mess but I love it. Or like a writer, they have a story in mind and a place where its all going but they have a whole book to write while characters are developing and plot is twisting and every things getting set up. Hm, its like playing Settlers of Catan. Winning a good game of settlers is such a great feeling, but it wouldn't be if it weren't for the build up. When you know you have 9 points but one of them is hidden so everyone else thinks you only have 8. And you almost have all the right cards you just need one more number rolled and you get it and you're waiting for your turn and your brother is also close and his turn is before you and what if he gets what he needs! Its intense. and its exciting because of all the play that goes on before that moment. God is setting up, he's adding ingredients, he's putting the pieces together, he's working the plot, and he's loving it.
I think when we stop and believe Him, acknowledge his presence, search the dark with eyes of faith, this moves his heart more than ever. I think He can't wait to break through the wall but He is waiting for the opportune moment when our hearts are ready. But in the mean time I think He is so blessed by our weak love that holds on and doesn't give up. He knows what is coming. I think if we can trust and believe He loves it we might begin to love it to, and surrender the last bits of control we hold onto and embrace inexpressible joy.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, 
who according to His abundant mercy has begotten us again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance incorruptible and undefiled and that does not fade away,reserved in heaven for you, who are kept by the power of God through faith for salvation ready to be revealed in the last time.
In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need be,you have been grieved by various trials, that the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ, whom having not seen[a] you love. Though now you do not see Him, yet believing, you rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory, receiving the end of your faith—the salvation of your souls.
1 Peter 1

Tonight I was listening to Brittany share some of her story of the past year of her life. How God has accelerated her process and brought her into a place of peace and rest and freedom in Himself. How He has transformed her mind and placed her in a community where she can passionately pursue His face and will. She was overflowing with it. "It" being just i don't know just that awareness of "I am right where God wants me! and His life is the best ever!! I love Him! And the parts of me that don't love him or aren't surrendered will be because He is faithful and He is here." I caught my mind wandering and realized, like okay she was sitting in the chair next to me at Starbucks but thats not where she was at all. She is at home, she is with Jesus, seated in heavenly places.
But God, who is rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in trespasses, made us alive together with Christ (by grace we you have been saved), and raised us up together, and made us sit together in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, that in ages to come He might show the exceeding riches of His grace in His kindness towards us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God. 
Ephesians 2:4-8

In the same moment I felt extremely homesick. Homesick for holiness, homesick for intimacy, homesick to know and see Jesus as He is. Homesick for Him. Homesick for what I was listening to Britt describe. But all still in the same moment, I felt God tell me to dream and try to imagine what home with him is really like. His home inside of me and my home inside of him. Him living here on this earth through me and me living in heaven with him. To set my face towards home and fully believe that I will see His goodness in the land of the living. Because the story He is writing and loving far exceeds the dreams of my imagination. And the story He is writing brings me home. 

Now I saw a new haven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away. Also there was no more sea. Then I, John, saw the holy city, New Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. 
And I head a loud voice from heaven saying, "Behold, the tabernacle of God is with men, and He will dwell with them, and they shall be His people, God Himself will be with them and be their God.
And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away. 
Then He who sat on the throne said, "Behold, I make all things new." And He said to me, "Write, for these words are faithful and true." 
And He said to me, "It is done!" I am the alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. I will give of the fountain of the water of life freely to him who thirsts...

And the Spirit and the bride say, "Come!" And let him who hears say, "Come!" And let him who thirsts come. Whoever desires let him take the water of life freely
He who testifies to these things says, "Surely I am coming quickly." Amen. Even so, come, Lord Jesus!

Are you coming back for me?

Im looking for something
so new its older than
anything I know
Im looking for someone
who can't be caught or kept
or found
I'm looking for some time
I had, not that long ago.
I must have put it down
somewhere when my hands
got full
Im looking for the one I thought
I knew-
The lover of my soul.
Tell me, have you seen him?
Could you tell him I am waiting?
I have something to ask him-
Are you coming back for me?

Crying behind shades
changing lanes on these streets
that don't change
Back and forth like the
stuff in my brain and veins
feelings that swirl all around
all day and come out however they want
whenever
Passing beauty that should
transport and transform
the insides of this cavernous
pilgriming soul
fighting for control
Breathing and sighing against
hunger and desire, always
buying but not satisfying
so im crying-
Are you coming back for me?

Old tears and old fears surface on another New
in the middle of an old year
But an invitation to discover
uncover a marking on the next tree
theres another piece of the puzzle
just one hour can remind me
that there is a full
picture
a final destination
a complete story
written from the moment of creation,
kept in His imagination.
His love like glue
holds the process and my heart together
and theres a whisper-
Im on my way back for you.

Sometimes you forget
when feelings take control
that there's more to here and now,
your eyesight isn't full.
The story I've been writing
started with my breath of life
you must have thought my power
could be applied without a fight.
But the thing about my love, my Love,
is that it doesn't erase or subtract
that which can only cause more need
for my face , to point you back on track,
You see little bits, the worthless and imperative
Im working both for my glory,
weaving this tapestry, creating this narrative
But I promise through this cloud
through this maze and through every little day,
if you hold on and set your heart to believe
you will see that
I never even left your side.

just some life

I just want to write! Ive started like 5 blogs these past few weeks but haven't really gone anywhere with any of them and I'm not really sure where to go with this one, I just want to say something. I was just at Warwicks fall play of "The Miracle Worker" (the story of Helen Keller) and my friend Brittany was telling me that she thinks maybe I probably sometimes feel like Helen, lots going on inside and so much I want to say but I just don't always know how to get it out! haha take that for what its worth but it's probably at least a tiny bit true.

So I think ill just take you through my week, because it was the first one in awhile that seemed really long. And I think it was a little crazy, so maybe some interesting thoughts will come out of it. Tonight I think I'm writing for you guys. I know I've said before that I mostly do this blog for myself, because I process things through writing and I just needed an outlet for all the thoughts/ revelation that flashes through my brain and usually just returns to my think tank without ever producing anything. But I think tonight I'm writing for you. and for me, but I want to write for you. 

So last saturday night I did something that I've been wanting to do for a little while but my organic/natural inclined self had been protesting and ultimately stopping me. I finally gave in to dyeing my hair! Its just a shade darker with a red hue (medium chestnut brown to be exact) and I kinda love it. I chickened out of the permanent box stuff and just went with the temporary tube but its been a week and its still in so who knows how much longer it will stick with me. Anyway, this was inspired by a fall costume party I was hosting for our small group. This was actually the very first time I have ever really had an occasion to dress in costume, believe it or not. So I went with probably the best character to be created in Disney ( I know that's a big statement), Gisele from Enchanted! I had a little internal battle at Joannes Fabrics when it came to actually figuring out how to pull off her dress. It went something like, "Rachel, you should really just be a butterfly, you don't want to spend the next two days glued to the sewing machine." "Yes, I do" "No, you don't even know if you can actually make a dress, throw on a tutu and just come up with some wings." "No, i think I'm gonna do it." Eventually Giselle won out and two days at the sewing machine was no exaggeration. 

While I was working on this though, I got really happy inside, just really full of joy seeing it come together. It was like wow,  I love this! I love discovering that I can do something, make something, create something, that I had no idea I could actually do. I love to make things, but most things I make I do for the first time and really don't know going into it if I can do it, if it will turn out anything like I wanted it to. And then during the process I start to see the actual idea coming to pass, its like what I pictured in my mind, happening right in front of me. And that is one of my favorite things. When ideas become reality. 

Anyway, if you haven't seen Enchanted, you should indulge yourself. 

My other thought with this costume was like, I mean princess is a little cheesy right? But I decided thats okay, better to embrace it then to pretend there isn't something in me that wants to identify with a princess. My favorite thing about them is they always have really beautiful spirits. And they are always full of hope (for their freedom, for their prince, for their happily ever after). And they are always friends with little birds. And I love in the end how they bring life to their kingdom, when they get rescued and restored and everything's right again, they are always loved by their people and lead everyone into believing there is a reason to celebrate and enjoy life and dance in the streets. Gisele story is so great because she is like the classic idealistic little princess waiting for her true love. And then she gets sent to real world and thrown into our society where things don't work quite like a fairy tale. But I love that she doesn't change how she is because of the environment she finds herself in. She knows who she is, what she believes and she's convinced it works, even if no one else around her thinks so, and even if she looks and acts ridiculas in the process. In the end she gets to see "true love" happen in real life. Again, I like when ideas play out in reality. 

Okay so my busy exciting weekend came to a screeching halt due to hurricane Sandy on Monday. I like the part about inclement weather when it switches up normal routines. I was a little excited going into work because I knew we would have to stay inside and it would be cozy and we could watch movies and watch the storm. Somehow though, monday and tuesday just seemed to drag on like crazy. I mean 24 hours in a pretty small house going from meal to movie to meal to movie, I just felt a little brain dead. Its really hard to explain but you know the feeling when you just don't really want to try to live intentionally. Like you are just tired and you just give into mindlessness and you don't want to try to think outside any kind of box or do anything really. Thats pretty much the spirit that just got me. I didn't even feel like eating the apple crisp we made. Thats just weird. And I knew it was happening which was even more annoying, because I really hate that, I like to be alive inside, and creative and thinking about others and everything. I want to have a spirit that influences the environment I am in, that brings life no matter what the situation. 

So by the time wednesday rolled around and I had off and I could live my life a little, I felt like I had to pick myself up again and try to think in a direction and move there. It started with having lunch with my dad. Which was great. And then I got ice-cream with my mom, also great. 

And then I made dinner with my buddies and we went to Dunkin Donuts. Way out in Denver. Cause that's what we do.  We have been working our way through Ezekiel. Just reading a chapter together whenever we can and letting God guide us into His truth. Ezekiel is interesting. There's lots of chapters with symbols and pictures that are really hard to understand, sometimes were really just guessing. Its cool though because pretty often, not every week, but most of the time we find Jesus in the chapter somewhere. A reference that there is a better way coming, an everlasting covenant, an atonement is on its way. Another thing we find is God repeating over and over again His reason for everything He says and does, "so that they may know me, that I am the Lord." It's a beautiful phrase he says all over the Old Testament. 

This night we got into some heated discussion. We are a very interesting little crew, "Triple Threat" some may call us. I am incredibly thankful for these two in my life. They are truly a gift from God and a small but true community. Anyway, without going into the dynamics of our personalities and how they sometimes crash when trying to communicate in each of our unique ways, ill just say that it can get pretty interesting, which is my cop out word for good and bad and everywhere in between haha. We got to discussing Jesus, and what it means to really know Him, and how that quest plays out in our lives. At least I'm pretty sure that's what we were discussing. I ended up sharing my heart a little bit more in depth. I tried to pull out the words in my mind and the feelings in my soul and the thoughts in my heart, I tried to express where I am at in my personal relationship with Jesus. You know, how we say it, its a relationship not religion. Do we know what that implies? Real relationship with real God in person, Jesus Christ. I feel a little stuck, a little full of ideas, a little lacking in the reality of them in my life. Like I'm trying to relate to an idea, instead of a person, a spirit, a being. Knowledge about God instead of Experiencing Him. And the awesome thing about community is that when one person is stuck, sometimes another person isn't and they can speak and nudge and pull and pray and give. They can help. So they helped me. They made me angry and frustrated and annoyed with their answers. But they loved me to truth. They graced me with the description of reality despite my lying feelings. And then since human words can only go so far they prayed for this God himself to come and love me along this journey. 

So I left with a spark in my spirit. 

They said if I feel stuck and I don't like where I'm at I should do something, and I should do it in faith. I thought through all the things I can think to just go do. I could start school, I could join gateway, I could return to a YWAM school. Im sure if I made a decision like that and committed it to the Lord He would be with me in it. But I know I haven't heard him tell me to do something like that. I think that I know that God wants me here. But still to do something about here and now. So I started small, I decided to take a break from Facebook. It was becoming my first thing in the morning and last thing at night habit. And filling all the cracks of my day. I want Jesus to fill the cracks of my day. I want to find Him first thing in the morning and think on him until I drift to sleep.  There are plenty of reasons why Facebook is good and its good to be connected and see and talk to that large loose community, its practical and a lot of other things. Im sure I could have come up with a good reason why God wasn't really asking me step away from it. And i don't even necessarily think he was asking me to. But I could also just do it, and do it in faith. Give that time to him not to earn his presence but to give myself space and time to think on him. To just give him some of me on the way to all of me. I could do it and believe that it's for him and will bring him joy. 

He is only a breath away because every breath is handed to us by him. Maybe in giving to him I can meet his hand and touch him. 

Thursday was better. I gave him my hunger and fasted for my family. Believing it wasn't to earn his response but just to give myself, my flesh to him. 

Friday I got to spend time with my brother and sister. My God given from birth community. We could be together and talk and share and encourage and pray. We could tell ideas and plan to do them. It made my heart burn. I could see that God is here all along. He is always working good things together for us. He always loves, always wants whats best. He lives in me and shares his ideas. He will help, I don't have to make things happen, He is doing things. I want to help.

It seemed like a long week. I feel a little weird, I know this sounds a little different than usual. I guess I just wanted to ramble about life a little bit. Cause life can seem kinda random and incohesive, like this week. But I think grace weaves itself through all the little things that happen. in our days and weeks and lives. I think we can chose to reach out and receive grace to move forward, to look up, to step ahead, to take our ideas and our desires and knowledge and let God create something surprisingly beautiful right before our very eyes. 

I said I wanted this to be for you, but it looks like I've mostly talked about me again. Next time I'm going to talk about Jesus. Because He is for both of us. and we are for Him.

come soon

Oh Great God come piece my heart together.

The thoughts, they wander from truth to space and back to truth again. 
Come turn away my eyes from looking at the worthless ones. 
Come lead me to the ones that direct me back to you. 
Come guide me in Your strength to the very place that you live. 
To be with you where you are, looking at the only one who has it all together. 
You know it all.

Come weave your words into my thoughts. 
Capture my mind with you. 
Then take that life, life giving truth, and pour it into the depths of my heart.
Fill me to the brim.
Enlarge that empty vessel, stretch it, me, to my limit. 
Come seep through the cracks in doors shut with pride, until the locks and lies weaken.  
And loosen the grip that I hold tight to the thoughts that keep us apart. 
Come work the fingers open, with grace and patience and skill. 
Until my hands finally let go. 
Until my eyes see what was once denied. 
Come have it from hands and heart you've broken, peeled, gently and firmly opened.

Then come hold me all together,

with your love and your love and your love.
Come live freely inside all my space, space you designed for you. 
Come move about and use my mind and lips and hands and feet. 
Come use my beat to be all that you are. 
Come win in me and win through me. 
Oh Great God come soon.

Love, flawless unrelenting love we can know

Hope, sacred reverential hope starts to glow

In the recesses of your heart where love had flown

Sweet dreams of heaven changing our waking lives

Breath, taken in and bringing what was dead to life

In the recesses of your heart where love had died

Let it rise and lead you cross a great divide

Awake, looking for another way to get back home

Life, resurrected, swallowed death made us whole

In the recesses of your heart where love will grow

Heaven give us roots and wings and lead us home

Oh great God give us rest

No more fear from all of this

Oh great God give us rest

Let your light come down on us

Oh great God give us rest

(david crowder band)

Story of my life

Im just going to put myself out there on this one. What better, safer, place to do that then the internet right? haha Maybe not so much but I just really feel the need to get real on this one.

This morning I came home from work really tired and it was rainy and I had to go to a silly inservice meeting for work in like an hour and still needed to shower but i just wanted to steal a few minutes of comfort and curled up on my bed and closed my eyes. My thoughts wandered to a Facebook status I "liked" the night before (oh world). The quote was, "If you want to know where your heart is, pay attention to where your mind goes when it wanders."(thanks Christina) This stuck in my head because my mind has been wandering in a not so productive, same direction for a good long time now. It usually lands somewhere between wishing my life was similar to how it was about 2 years ago and wishing/ missing somebody to be really really close with. Preferably of the male variety, preferably for forever. Which typically leads me to know in my mind that my heart is really just still longing for intimacy with my maker, the lover of my soul. But sometimes the thoughts just linger on that gift that God sometimes gives of a human companion, the gift he also sometimes takes away.

As my mind drifted, my eyes wandered to a really awesome painting I have in my room. Its very colorful and is just a simple scene of two people, a guy and a girl, walking next to each other down a lit path. The really special friend who picked it out for me told me it was a story, or had a story in it or to it. I don't remember if I ever actually heard the story that he saw in it but since then i think I've put my own words to the painting and named the characters and always knew it was about us and what our time together was all about.
 Anyway, this looking all lasted maybe like two minutes, just long enough to remember just how much I miss that story and enter a conversation with God about it. I just kinda said it my heart, "It stinks that this story had to end. Its like stopping a movie in the middle without ever seeing the ending, or having to put a really good book down because you have to go to school or work or something, and then coming home and going to pick it up again because you've been waiting all day but finding its not there anymore. Or just writing a story but never finishing. It doesn't feel right, it has never felt right every time I had a little picture in my mind of life with someone, a whole epic tale of how things were and how we could walk into the unknown future together, every time those different pictures have come to an end before even hitting the climax.

I don't know if anyones tracking with me haha (sometimes it'd be nice to just say things simply just like they are without little metaphors and roundabouts ) Im just talking about relationships. Every relationship is different and they start from somewhere different and lead into little moments and shared interests and words. They take on a shape and become a certain way and then that person means something to you in a special way because of the unique combination of you and him and the time of life and the place and the situation together. Relationships become stories. Not just between guys and girls but just normal friendships too. Your interactions together with another person paint a picture and write a story. We are relational people and these stories come to mean more to us than anything else in life.  Sometimes one story will weave itself in and out of my entire life. Sometimes one story will only live for a season. And sometimes stories will end. Or they don't end and they just fizzle out or disappear or get all fuzzy and unclear until they don't even seem quite real. And thats the feeling I'm addressing right now. A broken, kind of lost story. Missing a resolution I guess.

Maybe I have it a little wrong. Maybe each life is like a story and relationships are more like chapters in that story..the story of my life, or your life. And maybe some chapters end as they transition nicely into a new chapter, or maybe the transition is a little rough but that just adds some twists and turns in the story and they are soon resolved as a new chapter begins with new characters and a slightly new direction. Right now though, I feel like a chapter has ended but without a complete resolution and a new chapter has begun but seems to just be going and I can't seem to get a grasp on its direction or its story or even its characters. The continuation I had in mind and even the ending seem to have become quite unrealistic, leaving me pretty clueless and just asking, where the heck is this story going? I feel a little lost in my own story.
Sometime around that thought is when I realized that it was never really my story to write or to own. Maybe it has never been all about me and maybe these relationships or times in life that I get stuck on are pictures of a greater story that I am a part of whether I realize it or not. A story that God has been writing since the beginning of time. The Father, Son and Holy Spirit have been sharing a story of love and closeness with each other for all of eternity and then they decided to create a place where they could share their love and creativity so they created characters to enter the story. God wrote a new chapter in His story, He wrote mankind into the story of God. Each person would be an irreplaceable character in relating to his creator and lover and sharing the story with others. Each person would have their own story and it would be about relationship with the Father and have different chapters along the journey of sharing that relationship and love with different people and places and purposes that would come in and out of life.

Looking up at the painting again I remember that even that story, or that chapter, was focused on walking towards and with the author of life. And maybe that's why it was still hanging on my wall, not to make me sad and stuck but to remind me that even if the characters have changed and the location and time shifted, this story is still headed in one direction. The path is still lit and it still leads to the way everlasting, to know God and make him known along the way. The blank pages I see ahead, and even presently, don't have to be scary if I am not the one in charge of filling them alone. In fact I think there is already a new chapter in the heart of God that is ready to be written, that is being written, and I am invited to discover our story in the same moments as He puts it down.
When people ask me what I think I'm doing or where I'm heading I get nervous and rack my brain for an answer that just doesn't seem to be there. But actually I know what this story is about and I even know the end, as John Thurlow puts it, "I know the end of the story, Ill come up from the wilderness, leaning on my Beloved. " I don't know why the end of one chapter and the beginning of another seems so crazy blurry and unclear this time around, I don't know why that confusion and restlessness has been around so long, and why its so hard to fight against and to find my footing and steady my gaze and my heart again. But I do know the end, I do know that at the edge of this wilderness ill come up and ill be leaning on my Beloved. I know that He is my light and my salvation, He is the strength of my life. He is the author and finisher of my faith. And I know if anyone can pick up this story and finish what has been started, it's Him.

Maybe to lean my heart into His and extend my faith into Him and put all of my hope and trust in Him is to surrender the blank white pages to His ideas and His love. And to believe that the tale that unfolds there will bring all the desires of my heart for closeness and wholeness to completion as I just delight in His wisdom and truth and goodness and beauty.

Show me your glory

Have you ever seen Soul Surfer or Blue Like Jazz the movie, or any movie that has christian themes and tackles the great challenge of trying to reenact a moment when God is speaking and revealing his truth in the middle of a youth group gathering or someone sharing about a missions trip or a church service or something. I gotta hand it to those directors because to create that scene without making it look cheesy or cliche has to be a daunting task. Because honestly it probably looks that cheesy in real life too, but when God speaks all you remember from the moment is not the guy playing guitar in front of a bunch of people sipping coffee or standing with their hands in their pockets tapping their foot, its the fact that somehow in the middle of that pathetic picture, heaven was broken open and you heard from God. It's something you are convinced of inside where there is an explosion of revelation but can no way make someone understand if they just view the outside picture. And thus we have these cheesy recounts where the leader speaks the perfect words and the girl answers the question and has some kind of epiphany or someone starts crying, in an effort to display what is happening inside. Because when God takes the program with the guitar and the worship songs and the teaching and the overhead projector and the old floorboards and comes and inhabits his people it just can't quite be caught on camera.
Im not sure if I'm getting the thought across but anyway, lately every now and then I have these moments where I'm sitting at bible study or standing during worship at the core or wherever and I just kinda feel like I'm in a movie. And like people watching it must think its pretty cheesy. Like maybe its a movie about me discovering who Jesus really is and what it means to really follow him. So you see this journey of me encountering him  through all different situations with different people or in different places. But since you can't see inside my heart, or hear his voice in my spirit it just looks like a bunch of little services or churchy things. Sometimes when I get these little glimpses of what it must look like from the outside I feel tempted to just write it off as cheesy too, and tell everyone to go home cause they don't really believe that what they are saying or singing or hearing is real. Its just a lame christian movie with bad acting trying to get everyone to believe some moral truth that will make the world a better place. ( a little harsh i suppose but i don't know, it can feel like that sometimes) I could almost do it too, if it weren't for the power I know is working in me and through me and them.

For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God.

It's foolishness. To wrap your life around one thing, an invisible God who speaks through your spirit and is wrapped in mystery.  Who you can't capture on a screen or fully describe with words or create an image for. Where the best we can do is compare him to things we know; like, He looks like light and sounds like water and is like a lion but also a lamb. You can try to explain what he has done and how you know him but it sounds like foolishness to anyone who doesn't have eyes to see inside or ears to hear in the quiet or a heart to understand that which surpasses knowledge.

Because the foolishness of God is wiser than men, and the weakness of God is stronger than men...But God has chosen the foolish things of this world to put to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to put to shame the things which are mighty; and the base things of the world and the things which are despised God has chosen, and the things which are not, to bring to nothing the things that are, 
that no flesh should glory in his presence. 

Maybe this little christian world we have pieced together (I imagine like in a big city how there are little areas like china town or little italy etc...picture little christian town, or little hipster town) with our lingo and our t shirts and coffee shop conversation; our bible studies and worship nights can look a little foolish. While we figure out what it looks like to love the Lord our God with all our hearts and souls and minds and strength, it can look pretty cliche, sound a little weak, seem like not much of anything real. All this if it weren't for Him.

But of Him you are in Christ Jesus, who became for us wisdom from God-and righteousness and sanctification, and redemption- that, as it is written, "He who glories, let him glory in the Lord." 
1 Corinthians 1

Without him we have NOTHING. Nothing to boast about, nothing new to offer the world except another group to be a part of, or another place to maybe fit in, another mold to belong to. Without him its just a lifestyle to try out and see if it "works for me like it did for him". It's just a book, just a song, just a retreat, just a cheesy movie.
Maybe this sheds some light on the conversation Moses and God have in Exodus 33. The people were being really ridiculas, basically telling God with their actions that they didn't want anything to do with Him anymore. But God isn't going to go back on his promise so He tells them that they should just keep going to the promise land without Him. Moses' response is pretty intense. He says,
If Your presence does not go with us, do not bring us down from here. 
For how then will it be known that Your people and I have found grace in your sight, except you go with us? So we shall be separate, Your people and I, from all the people who are upon the face of the earth.
He recognized that without God, without His presence inhabiting every move they made, the people would be just like any other people. They would have their ways and little customs but they wouldn't be true, they wouldn't be set apart from any other nation with their ways and beliefs. It is the same with us. Our reading and singing and studying and getting together and dressing alike and thinking alike and
all the other things we do would be just the same as any other group of people you can think of with similar ways as each other. We would have no grounds to say that our way is the way of true life.
But God is with us. He is in us and we are in Him. We are in Christ Jesus so our wisdom isn't just what everyone calls smart, its actually Gods wisdom, and our goodness isn't just what people know as good, its His righteousness. This thing we do, this life we live has weight, it is loaded with the only true God and His glory.
I wish I knew how to describe glory. Maybe its just the opposite of what I was describing earlier. I said how I can sometimes see it all from an outside point of view, and it just looks like religion, it looks empty and even a little cheesy, foolish. There is no glory in practices and ideas and things. They have no weight until they are inhabited. From the inside, I know it is all about the God who is God. Words are failing me right now. Its the Lord of Lords, the King of Kings, the One. the only One. And this adds weight. It makes everything alive because He inhabits it. He inhabits the praises of His people, inhabits our prayers and our disciplines. And then He even inhabits our driving and our working and our sleeping and our eating and our thinking and any kind of doing that we do.
He inhabits our being and He makes everything glorious. Full of eternal glory. Now everything has weight (that is the only word I can think of and its driving me crazy haha) breathing isn't just breathing anymore, it contains God.
God answered Moses and agreed to go with them, because "you have found grace in my sight and I know you by name"
And then Moses takes everything a giant leap forward and asks,
"Please show me your glory."

He is saying, okay this is great, you're coming with us, you will be with us and you will set us apart with your presence, but I want to know what that is like. Who are you? What is your glory? what kind of weight do you bear? You are the only God and that alone makes you worthy and having extreme importance, but what are you like?
This is my question as well. Because my lifestyle is not attractive to the world, it isn't even attractive to me without his presence. I don't want the promised land without Him. He is my promise. Eternal life, to know Him, to be with him. So now its just to discover what He is like.

When I finish a movie there is a lingering feeling that stays with me for the next few hours. Sometimes thats a feeling of dead brain cells and disgust that just needs to wear off as soon as possible. And other times its that I'm stuck in the fantasy world I was just observing and need some time to readjust myself to reality, or its that something about what I just watched was impactful. Something just touched a desire deep inside of me, and freed me to believe that maybe, just maybe it's possible. That "it" I believe  is truth, beauty, and/or goodness. When a story reveals some bit of truth that is just true in that deep place in my heart (and yours) I can believe for a minute that there is one accurate description of reality and maybe there is freedom there. Or when I experience just a piece of real beauty, art in its truest awe provoking form, I'm free to believe that beauty is not something we just strive for and labor over, it's refreshing and full of rest. When I witness a story that is good, and speaks of goodness; I dare to believe that good does exist and it is attainable.
These movies reveal God. He is true, and beautiful and good.

It's really hard to capture real God in a movie. And I think some directors do a great job and other directors don't even realize it but they are producing a story that reflects Gods truth beauty or goodness. My hope is that the story or movie of my life, or the life of my church or the life of my community or the life of my family; would contain God. "The desire of my heart is for the renown of Your name." I want to observe life, observe the world and people and see Him. And I want others to be able to observe me and my life and see Him.

If I have found grace in your sight, please show me Your glory.

Stream of Songs

Be of good faith all you children
for we go from glory to glory
its the curving line of the story
Holy Spirit moving and soaring
in and out of conversation
opening secret doors closed long ago
No one knows where He came from or where He is
going, like the wind He
just keeps blowing
through the caverns of my soul
and yours, and his and hers
until we are all holding hands tight
surrounded , each the others eye witness
beholding every mustard seed moment and
locking faith eyes with our brother, our sister
Until one gives way into aimless empty,
sometimes its me, sometimes its him, or its her
almost lost into the blur of useless treasures,
blinded and deaf to glories cry,
“be holy, be holy, be holy”
What God, what does that even mean?
where is holy in the life inbetween...
I already try to be perfect and pristine,
Oh just to be clean.
I miss you, am I missing New?
by only wanting to return to the old me and you
Sometimes the only way to return is to go
where the winds will take you
to let go of all you cannot hold onto
So close I could touch you, yet so far
she said, “its like the stars”
Hanging heavy over our wonder-filled faces
His face smiling as we tie up our laces
and run run away from him
we end up running right into Him
run till your legs hurt , unto the real truth:
youre my daughter, my son, run baby run.
Have we hit another wall
in an empty room painted in my dream
the words “fall on your knees”
Youre forgiven, youre free
I am the One who redeems
not with silver, not with gold, i dont collect dust or mold
My blood spilled never grows old
it never fails when youre legs are shot and your head is spinning
when your heart is breaking
im still winning and the more you believe it
your life will surely show it
I lean over the balcony of heaven searching to and fro
looking for a heart that glows with a passion for my name
I come to fan that flame
the one burning inside you and you and you
each with your own special hue
I seek you out to share my heart
lets go back to the start.
Back to where walking with me was the only reality
When the world was a canvas for my love
and your heart was just the audience and then medium
through which I expressed my
truth, beauty, and goodness, my heart enlarged
spilling over into the vessel we have together emptied for my presence..I write my name in love upon your heart

this love,

it never fails, 

it never gives up,
it never runs out on you
So wont you let Me love you more?
wont You let me love You more.

all we know is you said you'd come again

This morning at the CORE Percy was sharing a little bit more about "transformative salvation". It sounds pretty fancy but I think the long and short of it is just like the question: what is salvation if it doesn't actually transform our lives?
In my heart there is a quest for true transformation of every fiber of my being. This is what I believe it means to be saved, not just someday when I die, but I need to be saved every moment until the day I die, saved from selfishness and pride and endless cycles of useless thoughts and darkness and discouragement and loneliness and emptiness and foolishness and tiredness. I could go into a lot of this right now cause its showing up EVERYWHERE in my life, and I really should post about what I saw in this during Challenge with our youth group but i think I just want to meditate a little bit on what He shared about Mary Magdelene from John 20.
Here's a woman I would love to study deeply. Right now I know that Jesus delivered her from 7 demons. Whether they were literal fallen angels possessing her and living inside her or forms of mental illness and disorder I think doesn't really matter, the fact is that her life was worthless and incredibly confused and bound and stuck and basically hopeless and futureless as far as anything good is concerned. But Jesus did for her what Jesus does, because of who Jesus is. He freed her, healed her, looked at her and maybe said something like, "Mary I know what the world thinks of you but I know the thoughts I think towards you, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope." Or maybe something like, "I created you, I formed you, don't be afraid, I have redeemed you, I have called you by your name, you are mine." Or, "I have delivered you because I delight in you."
And his words actually followed through, he could actually fulfill every promise and could give her that future. He looked at her and loved her, he had compassion. He wanted her, He won her. ( I don't mean this in like a Jesus and mary had a thing kind of way, just to clarify haha, but i feel like i have to use this language to get the intensity of it, i mean no one believed for her life, no one cared for her soul until Him). Maybe for the first time in her life she was loved and so she did what a loved person does, she locked eyes with this man and followed him, she determined never to let him go. He had taken a broken person and made something beautiful and alive and full of purpose; her transformed life, declared his glory and it was beautiful. It felt beautiful, it looked beautiful, She was beauty from ashes.
Im sure life was mundane at points after that, but she faithfully followed because she knew in the bottom of her whole healed heart that he was worthy and that he was hope and if anyone could do anything with her life it was him. He was life. Its like he did this first act of delivering but she couldn't get enough after that, he breathed life, every word was laced with grace and truth, every movement with purpose and love, a love that kept giving and giving. His presence was her sustenance, she drank in his words that fed her spirit and washed her heart. All of her life was his, all of her heart was set on him and his work.
And then he died.

There was a day we held our breath
and felt the sting of bitter death
and all our hopes were buried in the grave
our eyes awake our hearts were torn
between our faith and what we knew
before our king was buried in the grave

She was broken to pieces again. Maybe she didn't go back to being possessed but can you imagine? She had given her heart to this man, all of her hope for herself and her family and her friends and her nation rested in his life. She believed everything he said. And now he was gone? He left? He allowed it to happen. He coulda saved himself. She needs him, whats going on? And the darkness starts to cloud in again. She heard everyone talking, saying one thing or another about him, he was just a good teacher, he was getting out of hand, its better this way, see I knew he wouldn't free us, he couldn't be the messiah. She didn't want to believe them, she knew him, He was true. But how could he die? She was afraid, going back and forth in her mind, trying to figure it out, piece it together, save herself from the hurt she was feeling, trying to get a grasp on any of it, trying to figure out how to go on, what to think, how to be.

your grace was in the tension of everything we lost
standing empty handed shattered by the cross

 She couldn't keep herself free, she had no strength without his presence, if he wasn't true than she was nothing again. she couldn't eat, she couldn't sleep. All she could think to do was run back to the last place she could see him, care for his body, all that was left of her savior. Maybe as long as she knew where he was it would be okay, maybe there was still hope

and all we had all we had
was a promise like a thread
holding us, keeping us oh from fraying at the edge
and all we know all we know is you said you'd come again
you'd rise up from the grave

 One morning she just had to get out, she walked to the garden and came to the tomb while it was still dark. It couldn't possibly get any worse but then she saw that he wasn't there! that someone had taken his body away from her, as if she couldn't have any comfort at all, as if they had taken the last bit of respect and dignity he could have. All she could do was cling to the last place she had seen him, weeping in her fear and hurt and confusion and pain. She looked in the tomb, searching for his body one more time and saw two men. They asked her why she was weeping and she told them, they've taken him and I don't know where, I don't know how to find him.

JUST then, Mary heard a voice behind her, she turned around a saw a man but didn't recognize him through her eyes dimmed with rejection. He asked her again, who are you looking for, why are you crying?...why do they keep asking me that? "I just want my Lord! have you taken him??"

there was a day we looked for proof 
that you had risen from the tomb
and all our doubts began to roll away
we test the scars upon your hands
you kept your word O son of man
you buried death by taking on the grave
you came near to save us
cause everything was lost
no longer empty handed, clinging to the cross

It is won/ it is done/ it is won

Then Jesus said, "Mary"

she turned with new eyes, filled with hope, "Rabboni!"

The shepherd knows His sheep. A sheep knows the voice of her shepherd.

I guess it just feels like a familiar story. Jesus comes and reveals himself to us, He saves and transforms. Man he just took my whole heart and changed it, gave me new passions and new desires. In relationship with him, in being with Him I was transformed. He ruined any other way, he convinced me with his strong love that he is true and good and beautiful and always always best. I know that He is my only hope, he is the only hope for the world and everything and one in it. In him is life. He is the light, and that light is the life of men. 

But then in a sense, He left. He conquered death and was raised to life and now he says he'll come again. And will I recognize him? Or will my eyes be clouded with unbelief? 

Will I be too distracted and consumed by my circumstances, by the feeling of his absence that I miss his  presence when he comes in a new way. Will I believe that resurrection is for right NOW?

It's encouraging that even though she was blinded by something, maybe a lot of feelings and fear and discouragement, whatever it was it wasn't strong enough when it came to his voice saying her name. 

A risen king speaking my name. what could be more powerful than that?

If God is for me who could ever be against me?

Nothing can separate me from his love, not even death. 

all we have all we have
is the promise like a thread
holding us, keeping us oh from fraying at the edge
all we know all we know is that You say You'll come again
you rose up from the dead
(All Sons and Daughters)

There is always a feeling in this life that something is missing, even in the closest most feeling filled encounters with God there is always the next day when its fresh in mind but seems far from heart again.  He is always revealing himself and truly present in this life here and now but no matter what comes and what God fulfills in my life or yours between now and the day we die, none of it compares to the completion and satisfaction that will be ours when we are reunited face to face with Jesus. Even if I'm living every moment in the perfect will of my Father right here on earth, even if I'm seeking his presence and fellowshiping with his Spirit here, I'm still waiting, always waiting, always preparing myself to be a blameless spotless bride waiting on the day He comes back. In the mean time when I sometimes feel lonely and incomplete, when I feel like Mary; just clinging to the last place I saw Him or the last time I felt Him, afraid that I might lose all that I know He has done, and all that I know He is. Or when I just feel darkness or its just hard to believe for whatever random reason (sometimes there is no reason, its just hard that day to believe He is as real and good as he was yesterday or whenever you know)  Its like that here, some days easy and good, other days hard and strange but every day I have His promise like a thread, holding and keeping my heart from running away. All I know is that He said He would come again, He is not dead and I will see Him as He is; very alive and very good.
tonight I'm homesick.

every good and perfect gift

I know I just kindaaa wrote about this but tonight again I feel so richly blessed! and i just want to express it! I started reading the book about a thousand little gifts  awhile ago, about how God is constantly giving us grace and when we see everything he gives as grace then we can be always thankful and so full of joy. I started a little list of things that really bless me that I'm thankful for but I haven't taken this whole thought sooo practically like she, the author, did. Which had me a little out of sorts like, "man I really want to get this revelation! I want this full life right here where I am in every moment, but I'm not exactly doing what she did or getting it all the same way" which of course is like, um yea you're not going to learn it the exact same way silly, you are two different people and she already wrote the book!
Needless to say, as it turns out God has VERY much been revealing this to me right now just in living life and opening my heart and mind to him.
 I remember really struggling with the idea of receiving. Like I could believe that God has forgiven me, but for me to receive that forgiveness was/is hard. Or believe of course He loves me, but how do I let myself receive that love.  His grace is enough if I receive it and live that it is enough. Im filled with His Spirit, He lives inside me, but to receive His Spirit?
Even just promises: "I will give you a heart to know me, you will be my people and  I will be your God, You will return to me with your whole heart." Okay I know He spoke that to me, but to receive it and really own that this promise is for me and will come to pass because a very real God has told me it will. Tricky business. I don't really know why, and I probably shouldn't try to come up with a reason if He hasn't actually made that known to me. Probably along the lines of not believing I'm worthy of his gifts, and believing other lies that had been fed to me or that the enemy still whispers in my ear.
Ahh a tragic thing has just occurred!! I went to go look up the word "receive" in the websters 1828 dictionary (the best!) online and the site is suspended!!
Anyway, I just thought that would be interesting and maybe shed some more light but we shall carry on without the definition.

These days have been SO full of gifts. They are actually real blessings that I think most people would consider gifts, not obscure things necessarily; really authentic consistent friendships, a great fulfilling stretching but enjoyable job, great birthday presents, a healthy body, fun little outings, new things. But within those things are more specific aspects that touch my heart in particularly:
The way Amanda's face lights up when I pick her up at lighthouse, how she celebrates my birthday for a whole week and tells everyone she sees that its my birthday and I'm rachel. When Elisa makes a simple dinner extra yummy by adding oranges or something different. That I get to know the people I work with and just live life with them and call it a job. That of all the people in the world to spend 30 plus hours a week with, I get to know these incredibly special people who others completely miss out on not on purpose, just because they haven't purposed to like I hadn't. A day like today when I just feel like I'm friends with Sam and were just hanging out, not that I'm taking care of her. When I feel like she's letting me get to know her personality and comfortable with me as a friend. When ten pm rolls around but its so chill that no ones in a rush to leave and everyone hangs around the office for a minute or two just chatting.
That I can wake up when my friends get to my house and know they will be comfortable just coming in and chillin while I get ready. That crazy fun feeling that comes from jumping on a trampoline or risking getting soaked to steal the hose from my brother while he's completely drenching me.. Fresh strawberries on the side of the road! My red ball. Morning run through shady neighborhoods with cool houses. Staying up in Debbies room doing our own things but together. Seeing like every colorful bird that exists in pennsylvania this spring everywhere I go. A great great great cd from Steve. Friends who love that I love what I love, and know what those things are. Four really great journals for my birthday from four different people who know I love to write and want to encourage that in me. The grace to get up on time for work in the morning lately. Really special words written from my parents. When Im just stopping in at my parents house and Joe is there! Being asked if I would want to volunteer at the reception desk at the church office when I was just telling God I would love to be a part of that office and the people there in some way. Having friends who will stop and pray for me and with me. Parents who pray for me. Great new sandals that are very "me".  A trust that God has built in my heart towards relationships, which keeps me in perfect peace about things that are otherwise unsettled. How even though I still can't answer "what are your next plans" with a little plan, I know that He has one and that ill have it when I need it.

Like ahhh SO many gifts. ALL of which are free. ALL of which He doesn't have to give. All of which He says I can freely receive.
God says that we love because He first loves us. We love him more fully when we know how fully we are loved by Him. And our purpose is to bring our Father joy. How much more can we do that when we know how much joy we bring him? That's another things that keeps creeping into my heart lately. I just get these little thoughts of like "God really likes that about you." Except its probably more like "I really like that about you" coming right from him. Its just hard for me to say or acknowledge it as that cause it seems so CRAZY. What is there to like about me if you are God? How can I bring you joy? I can bless you? I don't think you actually meant that, don't you mean to say, "hey don't forget to give me credit for that cool thing you just did, or okay that was great but careful next time you do that not to get prideful." Like ah I think we really put that on God. That He is alwaysss standing over us making sure we do everything just right, always correcting us, always wanting more, always a little disappointed, never quite totally pleased. Or that if we feel good about something we have to quick shut down that feeling so that we don't get puffed up in pride. At least I think I feel that way. And I know pride really is my biggest enemy. And I do believe He always wants our best, which is holiness and perfection and all of that, because He loves us. He does convict and correct. But maybe sometimes He works to that end in a really different way than we tend to think, but were just to afraid of our own weakness to hear it. Maybe when I think Im feeling like He likes something about me its cause he actually does and he is telling me that. Maybe He is actually saying, I love the way you love your church and want to be a part of what I'm doing there! I love that you like to express yourself to me in writing! I love that you appreciate my creation the way you do and love to meet me there. I love that you have listened and learned this lesson from me, its a joy to teach a heart that wants to learn.
Maybe he doesn't want me to deny that voice and push it away to be safe from pride, because if I know its from him it will actually motivate me to respond to him in love and not out of obligation. It will actually teach my heart to know that nothing good comes from me but every good and perfect thing in me and for me comes from him..

Gifts is the love language God has been cultivating in me for the past year or two. I didn't used to be so about it in any way really. But the more I learn to see and receive His gifts, the more I experience his love. Which encourages me to love him back and give everything I am and have back to him.
I don't know, lets learn to receive from our really awesome Father who likes to give great gifts and lavish his love on us, i think it may just lead to fuller life that he gave everything to give us.