Needless to say, as it turns out God has VERY much been revealing this to me right now just in living life and opening my heart and mind to him.
I remember really struggling with the idea of receiving. Like I could believe that God has forgiven me, but for me to receive that forgiveness was/is hard. Or believe of course He loves me, but how do I let myself receive that love. His grace is enough if I receive it and live that it is enough. Im filled with His Spirit, He lives inside me, but to receive His Spirit?
Even just promises: "I will give you a heart to know me, you will be my people and I will be your God, You will return to me with your whole heart." Okay I know He spoke that to me, but to receive it and really own that this promise is for me and will come to pass because a very real God has told me it will. Tricky business. I don't really know why, and I probably shouldn't try to come up with a reason if He hasn't actually made that known to me. Probably along the lines of not believing I'm worthy of his gifts, and believing other lies that had been fed to me or that the enemy still whispers in my ear.
Ahh a tragic thing has just occurred!! I went to go look up the word "receive" in the websters 1828 dictionary (the best!) online and the site is suspended!!
Anyway, I just thought that would be interesting and maybe shed some more light but we shall carry on without the definition.
These days have been SO full of gifts. They are actually real blessings that I think most people would consider gifts, not obscure things necessarily; really authentic consistent friendships, a great fulfilling stretching but enjoyable job, great birthday presents, a healthy body, fun little outings, new things. But within those things are more specific aspects that touch my heart in particularly:
The way Amanda's face lights up when I pick her up at lighthouse, how she celebrates my birthday for a whole week and tells everyone she sees that its my birthday and I'm rachel. When Elisa makes a simple dinner extra yummy by adding oranges or something different. That I get to know the people I work with and just live life with them and call it a job. That of all the people in the world to spend 30 plus hours a week with, I get to know these incredibly special people who others completely miss out on not on purpose, just because they haven't purposed to like I hadn't. A day like today when I just feel like I'm friends with Sam and were just hanging out, not that I'm taking care of her. When I feel like she's letting me get to know her personality and comfortable with me as a friend. When ten pm rolls around but its so chill that no ones in a rush to leave and everyone hangs around the office for a minute or two just chatting.
That I can wake up when my friends get to my house and know they will be comfortable just coming in and chillin while I get ready. That crazy fun feeling that comes from jumping on a trampoline or risking getting soaked to steal the hose from my brother while he's completely drenching me.. Fresh strawberries on the side of the road! My red ball. Morning run through shady neighborhoods with cool houses. Staying up in Debbies room doing our own things but together. Seeing like every colorful bird that exists in pennsylvania this spring everywhere I go. A great great great cd from Steve. Friends who love that I love what I love, and know what those things are. Four really great journals for my birthday from four different people who know I love to write and want to encourage that in me. The grace to get up on time for work in the morning lately. Really special words written from my parents. When Im just stopping in at my parents house and Joe is there! Being asked if I would want to volunteer at the reception desk at the church office when I was just telling God I would love to be a part of that office and the people there in some way. Having friends who will stop and pray for me and with me. Parents who pray for me. Great new sandals that are very "me". A trust that God has built in my heart towards relationships, which keeps me in perfect peace about things that are otherwise unsettled. How even though I still can't answer "what are your next plans" with a little plan, I know that He has one and that ill have it when I need it.
Like ahhh SO many gifts. ALL of which are free. ALL of which He doesn't have to give. All of which He says I can freely receive.God says that we love because He first loves us. We love him more fully when we know how fully we are loved by Him. And our purpose is to bring our Father joy. How much more can we do that when we know how much joy we bring him? That's another things that keeps creeping into my heart lately. I just get these little thoughts of like "God really likes that about you." Except its probably more like "I really like that about you" coming right from him. Its just hard for me to say or acknowledge it as that cause it seems so CRAZY. What is there to like about me if you are God? How can I bring you joy? I can bless you? I don't think you actually meant that, don't you mean to say, "hey don't forget to give me credit for that cool thing you just did, or okay that was great but careful next time you do that not to get prideful." Like ah I think we really put that on God. That He is alwaysss standing over us making sure we do everything just right, always correcting us, always wanting more, always a little disappointed, never quite totally pleased. Or that if we feel good about something we have to quick shut down that feeling so that we don't get puffed up in pride. At least I think I feel that way. And I know pride really is my biggest enemy. And I do believe He always wants our best, which is holiness and perfection and all of that, because He loves us. He does convict and correct. But maybe sometimes He works to that end in a really different way than we tend to think, but were just to afraid of our own weakness to hear it. Maybe when I think Im feeling like He likes something about me its cause he actually does and he is telling me that. Maybe He is actually saying, I love the way you love your church and want to be a part of what I'm doing there! I love that you like to express yourself to me in writing! I love that you appreciate my creation the way you do and love to meet me there. I love that you have listened and learned this lesson from me, its a joy to teach a heart that wants to learn.
Maybe he doesn't want me to deny that voice and push it away to be safe from pride, because if I know its from him it will actually motivate me to respond to him in love and not out of obligation. It will actually teach my heart to know that nothing good comes from me but every good and perfect thing in me and for me comes from him..
Gifts is the love language God has been cultivating in me for the past year or two. I didn't used to be so about it in any way really. But the more I learn to see and receive His gifts, the more I experience his love. Which encourages me to love him back and give everything I am and have back to him.
I don't know, lets learn to receive from our really awesome Father who likes to give great gifts and lavish his love on us, i think it may just lead to fuller life that he gave everything to give us.
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