Mom Life: Doing or Being?

 Motherhood and I have been a little bit at odds since day one. Through middle school and high school and probably even into my young adult years, I would say that being a mom was probably my main aspiration. At least when it came to thinking of careers and what not, I never felt pulled in any one direction very strongly, but I knew I wanted to be a mom one day. And, at least for my mom, that seemed like it was more than enough of a “career” for a person. I think that is mainly how I thought about it, in terms of what to do with my life or what to pursue as a vocation or calling even. Less about identity or role, more about something I would do, a verb- I knew at some point, I would mom.

I think this framework is a little bit of what has tripped me up since actually becoming a mom. Or maybe more like let me down. Let me explain. 

I 100% agree with my former self, I think mom-ing is a verb, a vocation, a career of sorts, certainly equal (if not at times way exceeding) in demands and commitment to a “full time job”.  But I don’t think it’s the only or even "the one" vocation that is for me. There are things about doing Mom life that bring me deep joy- those precious moments of reading and singing to my toddler before she goes to sleep at night, giving her opportunities to explore the best of each season in the great outdoors, witnessing her and Steve's relationship unfold, holding her tight when she's hurt or upset or just burrowing in for some snuggles, taking part in and wondering about the phenomenon of her growth and development on all the levels, and so so much more. These cannot be overstated. But also, since having my first child, I find myself constantly wanting to have time to do other things that bring me life. I love my part time job at a local florist/ flower farm, I want to give so much more time to it. I also really want to start my own business. I want to be the founder, owner, dreamer who pours myself into something and makes it come to be. I want to have hours each day to spend creating and making things, growing, writing, flipping old furniture or dumpy spaces into beautiful new creations. I may want to get a teaching degree and find out whether my sneaking suspicion that I would be good at, and/or love it is true. In my day to day life as a mom I consistently have thoughts like, “wait, when do I get my two 15s and a 30?” (as in breaks), or “aren’t I due for a day off soon?” and “I don’t actually think it’s legal for 'them' to have me on the schedule for 24 hour shifts for 6 months straight”.  At first this was a major let down, I thought maybe something was wrong with me. Why wasn’t mom-ing fulfilling all my needs and dreams like I always thought? This wasn’t the plan or how I thought it would go. I didn’t want to feel pulled in multiple directions, I wanted to feel like this was the direction I had been waiting for my whole life. I didn’t want to feel like this was a job in that way that you do when you’re working a job that you don’t totally love. I wanted it to be like the job that doesn’t feel like a job because it’s what you would do all the time even if you weren’t being paid. So you can see how the “career” framework has not really served me. 

The flip side:

The identity of being a mom, I think is much more innate to the role. It’s even in how you say it, you don’t actually go around saying that you momed today (although there are so many actions unique to doing mom life), you become a mom and then say things like, “I am a mom”. It’s a being thing, not just a doing thing. And this is the part where I find life and more meaning than I could have imagined. The first thing that shocked my system when I became a mom was the staggering amount of self sacrifice required to carry out the role. I felt totally stripped of any of my other identities, and in a way I felt like a baby! Like I was being reborn into a new identity, a baby mom. This happened in a way when I became a wife, and i’ve been slowly growing into that role and identity for more than a few years now. But this experience was a whole new level, because there was a tiny person completely dependent on Mom Me, and I felt like I couldn’t really be any other part of me except for this new identity, at least until I started to learn the ropes a little. It’s an intense change, I think maybe more intense if you are breastfeeding, but that’s just a hunch, i’m sure it’s monumental either way. In the beginning, it really does demand your entire self in a way that kind of blocks out everything else. Then slowly over time, when you start to feel more at home in your new mom self, you can remember your other roles and even your other interests and such. I don’t know, but I think that initial shift is so critical to becoming a mom. It’s an amazing transformation that leaves you forever a different person, a mom. I love being a mom. I used to just tell my baby, “I’m your mom” just cause I liked the way it sounded and the truth it held. I’m the one who loves you in a ridiculous way that i’ll never be able to explain. I’m the one who will give up ridiculous amounts of my “own” time and interests and other endeavors because you are infinitely worth it. I’m the one who can’t stand your smile and your eye contact and your hand on any part of me and your magical existence. I’m the one who will do whatever it takes, whatever you need, whatever I need to change or learn or figure out to love you the best. I love being the one who gets to experience her growth and her own becoming first hand. I love seeing her stretch out into new experiences, learn new skills, connect socially with others, and express it all back to us on her face and in her little sounds and now words.

So yea, the mom job is super hard sometimes, and doesn’t fit naturally always. I don’t always want to spend my whole day, every day doing activities designed with an almost 2 year old in mind. I don’t always enjoy having an almost 2 year old be my main person with whom to converse all day. I get frustrated that I can’t do my own activities while she does hers in harmony, and I definitely don’t love trying to cook or eat while holding her. And it’s okay, that it’s not the only thing that will fulfill me in life, that I have other passions that will divide my attention at some point, when the time is right. I’ll forever be a mom. And although as my daughter has grown and I have grown into my mom identity there has been more room for my other roles again, wife, friend, daughter, sister, florist, maker; Mom will always be one of my favorite parts of my being. 

Intro to Motherhood

Thoughts from December, 2019

This morning while I was in the shower I felt inspired to start writing about my experience thus far in motherhood. Several reason...first because I can feel myself forgetting. The weeks and leaps and milestones start to blur and I don't want to forget how it was, how it is, to be a new mom. Also because over the past few months I have asked myself about a million times, "why didn't any one tell me _________?" The blank can be filled in with almost anything about parenting. I recognize that it's not anyones actual fault, that it's impossible to truly prepare someone for raising a child, and that everyones experience will be different so even the advice you give or receive may not be helpful. However, I still feel like I could have used a little bit more insight going into this monumental change, and I don't really want to be the friend whose only answer to my future new mom friends is, "I don't remember". I am the first of my close friends to have a baby and when my friends start having their own i'd like to offer as much support as possible in their adjustment, even if that just means normalizing the off the wall feelings that will inevitably blindside them along the way, or providing accurate dates and data when they are desperate for some kind of peace of mind about weight or sleep or solids.
Lastly, I want to write for my own sanity, which has always kind of been the purpose behind this blog space. Writing helps me find myself, how I feel, how i'm doing, if i'm okay, where I'm going and what i'm learning. And I need some of that kind of grounding right now.

The light in the snow

Snow makes everything brighter, which I love.

Last snowfall I caught myself feeling really nostalgic for my childhood snow days, when our backyard was transformed into a wonderland to tromp through and explore until our snow pants were soaked through. I miss that snow wonder that used to pull me out of bed, into all my layers and out into the new white world. This snowfall, I kept thinking how great it will be when our baby experiences her first snow and it becomes all magical again in the eyes of a child. 

And maybe that's true, that snow is more wonder-full as a kid, and maybe I don't experience it the same way anymore. But now I experience the light, and it is bright and beautiful.

Last snowfall, Steve and I walked over to the shopping center across from our house after dark and I noticed how light it still seemed, with the moon reflecting off all the white. It's a soft, quiet, brightness that is pretty magical. And today, the morning after a snowfall, it's as if our house has never had a lack of natural light problem- the brightness is streaming in from every crack of window no matter which side of the house. The sun on the snow is so magnified and the light fills me up.

It's reason enough for me to have snow at this stage of life, and I don't know that I ever really noticed it before. I kind of like that, that there is a new sense of wonder from the same old things at different seasons of life. It makes growing up seem a little less daunting. There is always the loss of how things were, but there is also gain, and new glory to be found. 

We were talking about that the other day; Joe, Debbie, and I. About the loss for Joe in leaving Jordan soon, and for me, in leaving the kidless life behind. I hadn't thought about it in those terms very much but that is part of this process. There will be the loss of "just us". Just me and Steve doing our life at our own pace. And I do cherish that, all these four years we've had, growing in knowing and loving and living together. I think that I will probably miss the simplicity of it, the quiet, and the comfort. 

And that is what this is, another life step away from the comfort of what we've known. I compared it to the feeling leading up to our wedding because I think it's really similar...

I know life will never be the same again but I don''t know how all or exactly it will be different. I know there will be "joys" and "trials", but those are the most vague and broad words ever. I know I probably have expectations that I can't name until I realize they are not being met. I know some things that seem like they should come naturally will actually be really hard. I know that I might feel another level of loss of self- who I am, what I'm about will most likely need to be rewritten again. I know my ability to love selflessly will be tested again, and again will be found wanting. 

That all seems pretty scary and sounds a bit tiresome. But I actually don't feel too scared, or sad, or tired- I just feel the excited anticipation of what is coming. Because even though I know it's probably going to be the hardest thing in life until now- I know God mixes it with the best things- like he's done time after time for me in the unknowns. And now that I have had a bit of practice with life as I know it being scratched and restarted a few times, I know the best prayer to pray. It's just- I trust you. No matter what comes, I trust that you're in this with us. I trust that even though the losses are real- so are the gains, and you have wonderful new things for us to see in this new season.

Like the light in the snow.

Swiss Dreams

 This year I turned 26 on the 26th. They call that your golden birthday, which I only know because my closest sister also turned 28 on the 28th this year AND my closest brother will be turning 24 on the 24th, also this year. Amazing!!! Right? We think so.

If you know me, you know that I have always wanted to go to Switzerland. I'm not sure when the desire was born, maybe in that Sunday School play that had something to do with all the countries of the world and I got chosen to represent Switzerland with two loopy braids and one of those jumper dresses. Or when I found out that the Rohrer side of our family has lots of swiss roots. Or when I decided that Switzerland must ultimately be the most beautiful place on earth according to what I find most beautiful on earth (grassy meadows, mountain views, quaint towns, lakes, rivers and wildflowers). But the desire to go definitely cumulated in meeting a real live swiss friend, while in YWAM in Puerto Rico of all places. Not that being Swiss had anything to do with us becoming friends. DTS was at first an odd experience of becoming really close to people with whom you have no history or any real knowing of where anyone is coming from. Before that, all of my friends were people I grew up with, they knew my family and were all part of the same or similar culture and had walked through life with me up until graduation. Getting to know people in DTS felt like having to try to explain the last 18 years of my life so they could get some kind of understanding about why I am the way I am. And that's too much explaining for this girl. 

But in Sarah I found someone who seemed to understand without all that much telling. That was very precious to me at the time and she is still very dear to me now. She is someone who was truly with me through some of the roughest months of my life, through the hardest search, before I really found what I was looking for. We were roommates and something like soulmates, and it's never very hard to pick up where we left off even when there's years and so very many life changing experiences in between.

So after 7 years of REALLY wanting to go to Switzerland, thanks to my hard working husband, some cheap tickets, and a small sense of urgency, we finally made our way to that beautiful country. And just to bring things around here, we happened to catch a flight on my 26th and golden birthday. Hurrah!

While my swiss dreams may have evolved a bit over the years, from dancing and singing on wildflower covered hills (think Sound of Music, and yes I know that's Austria), to drinking honey beer on the lake catching up with my soul friend, and then to sharing the experience with my best friend and true love, im really grateful for the way our trip turned out and how bits and pieces of all those dreams were included.

Okay too much talk, as always, what I wanted to actually do here is share some of my favorite pictures from the trip and just tell little highlights along the way. So here's to iphone shots, so much sunshine and sweet swiss memories...

Day 1 Kempten Station to Luzerne, to Mt Rigi, all after an overnight flight and very little sleep

Luzerne and the first of many swans

Ferry Ride to Mt Rigi

Liza joined us for the first weekend!

Heading up the mountain via cog train

Rigi Kulm

My wildflowers!

Here begins our long wanderweg (hike) down down down the mountain through wildflowers and cow pastures

Day 2: Exploring Zurich and joined by Victoria

Happy Liza

Old Town

So glad we got to see you Victoria!

We had more sunshine than we knew what to do with and decided to make the most of it out on the lake in a paddle boat 

Heuschanps and Raclette, it's what's for dinner 

Day 3: Reunited with Sarah and introduced to Bern and the most beautiful town of Murten

Bern

Experiencing Switzerland feet first in every river and lake

The selfie never fails

Rossti

Outisde of Einsteins house!

This would be where Sarah grew up and where we were so so blessed to stay in the village of Bellmund, outside the city of Biel, in the Canton of Bern

In the old town of Murten, where Sarah works, there is this super old and very cool wall that we got to go up on and look over the town

Squinty and happy

Murten and lake

I know Steve's face is superr squinty here but I just needed to show you the water, and the boats and the sun and how you can just go right up to the edge and dive right in if you wanted to

Fountains everywhere for face refreshing and hand washing and water bottle filling (sometimes)

Perfect little gardens 

The old town street where we ate dinner + clocktower

This town really was our muse

Day 3: Basel & Biel, we also stopped in a beautiful little town called Solothurn and put our feet in the river and had a summery drink on the street, but alas, no pictures. 

Just your everyday town council building and farmers market, Basel

Botanical gardens and gigantic lilypads

Poppies <3

I believe we are in Old town Biel now, the city where Sarah grew up

My Suiza

At the bus stop getting off in Bellmund at Sarah's parents house. Golden hour, happy heart.

Day 4: Honeymoon Round Two: Interlaken

The water really is that color, everywhere, its incredible.

The dining area of our sweet little hotel, The Aarburg, where we had this view out our window (below)

Here begins our bike ride around Interlaken and the surrounding towns

Lake Brienz

I know its super sunny but these chalets and little gardens are everywhere and I was a little in love

Kayaking of course, on the other lake, Thun

It was supposed to rain all day both days we were here but instead we had gorgeous whether and this cool storm one evening

Old town=bell tower

Handsome husband

Day 5: Harder Kulm (The Top of Interlaken), views on the way down and the caves of St. Beatus

Harder Kulm overlooking Interlaken and the Alps

This pic is included for reference because we pretty much biked the perimeter of the picture the day before

Baileys Latte at the top

 

Then we decided to hike down, in sandals, because why not?

It was gorgeous and long and so worth it

Later in the day we decided to see how far our bus passes could take us and happened upon this enchanting little place on the side of the mountain, it turned out to be caves so we took a very cool tour.

Day 6: Back in Biel, a very long but beautiful walk, another lake, so many poppies and, not pictured, but quality time with Sarah's family having fondue and fresh strawberries

The strawberry dispenser

This is the view from Sarah's parents back yard and in the distance where it's a little lighter under that gray cloud, is the Alps

Wow you made it all the way to the end. This isn't all we saw or all we did, and actually we don't even have pictures of everything which is a little sad but also kind of nice because I know that we were fully in those moments when they were happening. 

My expectations for Switzerland and the beauty I would find there were sky high, which is usually not the safest way to approach a new experience, but this time it seems the real thing was even better than I imagined. I wouldn't say it was a relaxing trip. At times we were tired from jet lag or just from a different pace of life than we're used to when we aren't walking down mountains and through entire towns everyday; at times we were stressed because the most expensive country in the world was even a little more expensive than we had planned; and at times [one of us] was wishing there was just such thing as an ordinary iced coffee in this land of cafe. 

But I would say it was a refreshing trip. Which I think is much better than relaxing, and lasts much longer after the vacation is over. Beauty has a way of inspiring, of breathing life into the weary corners and crevices of our beings. We were inspired to reach for what we really long for, and to take new steps away from the things that drag us down (and there are things that drag us down, both of us). And we were amazed, I was AMAZED, at the beauty maker and his pure creative GENIUS. He is so glorious! And I ALWAYS want to be nearer to that glory, so pure and inspiring and refreshing. My heart can't get enough. Even though I kind of want to move to Switzerland now, where everyone has window boxes full of flowers and the mountains are only a train ride away, I know that the crystal clean beauty I constantly long for has it's source in the maker and when any ordinary day has run it's course, He IS the goodness. And truly, he is constantly inspiring courage right here and right now.

"One thing have I asked of the Lord, that will I seek after: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to inquire in his temple...

I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living! Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!"

Psalm 27