just some life

I just want to write! Ive started like 5 blogs these past few weeks but haven't really gone anywhere with any of them and I'm not really sure where to go with this one, I just want to say something. I was just at Warwicks fall play of "The Miracle Worker" (the story of Helen Keller) and my friend Brittany was telling me that she thinks maybe I probably sometimes feel like Helen, lots going on inside and so much I want to say but I just don't always know how to get it out! haha take that for what its worth but it's probably at least a tiny bit true.

So I think ill just take you through my week, because it was the first one in awhile that seemed really long. And I think it was a little crazy, so maybe some interesting thoughts will come out of it. Tonight I think I'm writing for you guys. I know I've said before that I mostly do this blog for myself, because I process things through writing and I just needed an outlet for all the thoughts/ revelation that flashes through my brain and usually just returns to my think tank without ever producing anything. But I think tonight I'm writing for you. and for me, but I want to write for you. 

So last saturday night I did something that I've been wanting to do for a little while but my organic/natural inclined self had been protesting and ultimately stopping me. I finally gave in to dyeing my hair! Its just a shade darker with a red hue (medium chestnut brown to be exact) and I kinda love it. I chickened out of the permanent box stuff and just went with the temporary tube but its been a week and its still in so who knows how much longer it will stick with me. Anyway, this was inspired by a fall costume party I was hosting for our small group. This was actually the very first time I have ever really had an occasion to dress in costume, believe it or not. So I went with probably the best character to be created in Disney ( I know that's a big statement), Gisele from Enchanted! I had a little internal battle at Joannes Fabrics when it came to actually figuring out how to pull off her dress. It went something like, "Rachel, you should really just be a butterfly, you don't want to spend the next two days glued to the sewing machine." "Yes, I do" "No, you don't even know if you can actually make a dress, throw on a tutu and just come up with some wings." "No, i think I'm gonna do it." Eventually Giselle won out and two days at the sewing machine was no exaggeration. 

While I was working on this though, I got really happy inside, just really full of joy seeing it come together. It was like wow,  I love this! I love discovering that I can do something, make something, create something, that I had no idea I could actually do. I love to make things, but most things I make I do for the first time and really don't know going into it if I can do it, if it will turn out anything like I wanted it to. And then during the process I start to see the actual idea coming to pass, its like what I pictured in my mind, happening right in front of me. And that is one of my favorite things. When ideas become reality. 

Anyway, if you haven't seen Enchanted, you should indulge yourself. 

My other thought with this costume was like, I mean princess is a little cheesy right? But I decided thats okay, better to embrace it then to pretend there isn't something in me that wants to identify with a princess. My favorite thing about them is they always have really beautiful spirits. And they are always full of hope (for their freedom, for their prince, for their happily ever after). And they are always friends with little birds. And I love in the end how they bring life to their kingdom, when they get rescued and restored and everything's right again, they are always loved by their people and lead everyone into believing there is a reason to celebrate and enjoy life and dance in the streets. Gisele story is so great because she is like the classic idealistic little princess waiting for her true love. And then she gets sent to real world and thrown into our society where things don't work quite like a fairy tale. But I love that she doesn't change how she is because of the environment she finds herself in. She knows who she is, what she believes and she's convinced it works, even if no one else around her thinks so, and even if she looks and acts ridiculas in the process. In the end she gets to see "true love" happen in real life. Again, I like when ideas play out in reality. 

Okay so my busy exciting weekend came to a screeching halt due to hurricane Sandy on Monday. I like the part about inclement weather when it switches up normal routines. I was a little excited going into work because I knew we would have to stay inside and it would be cozy and we could watch movies and watch the storm. Somehow though, monday and tuesday just seemed to drag on like crazy. I mean 24 hours in a pretty small house going from meal to movie to meal to movie, I just felt a little brain dead. Its really hard to explain but you know the feeling when you just don't really want to try to live intentionally. Like you are just tired and you just give into mindlessness and you don't want to try to think outside any kind of box or do anything really. Thats pretty much the spirit that just got me. I didn't even feel like eating the apple crisp we made. Thats just weird. And I knew it was happening which was even more annoying, because I really hate that, I like to be alive inside, and creative and thinking about others and everything. I want to have a spirit that influences the environment I am in, that brings life no matter what the situation. 

So by the time wednesday rolled around and I had off and I could live my life a little, I felt like I had to pick myself up again and try to think in a direction and move there. It started with having lunch with my dad. Which was great. And then I got ice-cream with my mom, also great. 

And then I made dinner with my buddies and we went to Dunkin Donuts. Way out in Denver. Cause that's what we do.  We have been working our way through Ezekiel. Just reading a chapter together whenever we can and letting God guide us into His truth. Ezekiel is interesting. There's lots of chapters with symbols and pictures that are really hard to understand, sometimes were really just guessing. Its cool though because pretty often, not every week, but most of the time we find Jesus in the chapter somewhere. A reference that there is a better way coming, an everlasting covenant, an atonement is on its way. Another thing we find is God repeating over and over again His reason for everything He says and does, "so that they may know me, that I am the Lord." It's a beautiful phrase he says all over the Old Testament. 

This night we got into some heated discussion. We are a very interesting little crew, "Triple Threat" some may call us. I am incredibly thankful for these two in my life. They are truly a gift from God and a small but true community. Anyway, without going into the dynamics of our personalities and how they sometimes crash when trying to communicate in each of our unique ways, ill just say that it can get pretty interesting, which is my cop out word for good and bad and everywhere in between haha. We got to discussing Jesus, and what it means to really know Him, and how that quest plays out in our lives. At least I'm pretty sure that's what we were discussing. I ended up sharing my heart a little bit more in depth. I tried to pull out the words in my mind and the feelings in my soul and the thoughts in my heart, I tried to express where I am at in my personal relationship with Jesus. You know, how we say it, its a relationship not religion. Do we know what that implies? Real relationship with real God in person, Jesus Christ. I feel a little stuck, a little full of ideas, a little lacking in the reality of them in my life. Like I'm trying to relate to an idea, instead of a person, a spirit, a being. Knowledge about God instead of Experiencing Him. And the awesome thing about community is that when one person is stuck, sometimes another person isn't and they can speak and nudge and pull and pray and give. They can help. So they helped me. They made me angry and frustrated and annoyed with their answers. But they loved me to truth. They graced me with the description of reality despite my lying feelings. And then since human words can only go so far they prayed for this God himself to come and love me along this journey. 

So I left with a spark in my spirit. 

They said if I feel stuck and I don't like where I'm at I should do something, and I should do it in faith. I thought through all the things I can think to just go do. I could start school, I could join gateway, I could return to a YWAM school. Im sure if I made a decision like that and committed it to the Lord He would be with me in it. But I know I haven't heard him tell me to do something like that. I think that I know that God wants me here. But still to do something about here and now. So I started small, I decided to take a break from Facebook. It was becoming my first thing in the morning and last thing at night habit. And filling all the cracks of my day. I want Jesus to fill the cracks of my day. I want to find Him first thing in the morning and think on him until I drift to sleep.  There are plenty of reasons why Facebook is good and its good to be connected and see and talk to that large loose community, its practical and a lot of other things. Im sure I could have come up with a good reason why God wasn't really asking me step away from it. And i don't even necessarily think he was asking me to. But I could also just do it, and do it in faith. Give that time to him not to earn his presence but to give myself space and time to think on him. To just give him some of me on the way to all of me. I could do it and believe that it's for him and will bring him joy. 

He is only a breath away because every breath is handed to us by him. Maybe in giving to him I can meet his hand and touch him. 

Thursday was better. I gave him my hunger and fasted for my family. Believing it wasn't to earn his response but just to give myself, my flesh to him. 

Friday I got to spend time with my brother and sister. My God given from birth community. We could be together and talk and share and encourage and pray. We could tell ideas and plan to do them. It made my heart burn. I could see that God is here all along. He is always working good things together for us. He always loves, always wants whats best. He lives in me and shares his ideas. He will help, I don't have to make things happen, He is doing things. I want to help.

It seemed like a long week. I feel a little weird, I know this sounds a little different than usual. I guess I just wanted to ramble about life a little bit. Cause life can seem kinda random and incohesive, like this week. But I think grace weaves itself through all the little things that happen. in our days and weeks and lives. I think we can chose to reach out and receive grace to move forward, to look up, to step ahead, to take our ideas and our desires and knowledge and let God create something surprisingly beautiful right before our very eyes. 

I said I wanted this to be for you, but it looks like I've mostly talked about me again. Next time I'm going to talk about Jesus. Because He is for both of us. and we are for Him.