Life is about JESUS

Life.
Living.
Breathing.
What is the purpose of life?
What is the meaning of life?
Hows life?
How are you?
What do you want to do with your life?
What are you doing with your life?
What do you want in life?
Wasting life.
Taking life.
You saved my life!
How did life begin?
Where did life come from?
Why are we here?
The value of life.
Life is beautiful.
Life is hard.
Life is short.
Life is long.
Life is good!
Life sucks.
I don't like my life.
I dont understand my life.
Loving life!

Life. We use the word a lot. We wonder about it, we ask each other about it, we live it. I wonder about it a lot, in fact i'm always wondering or feeling one way another about my life. The other night I had a feeling of dissatisfaction with my life as I know it going on in my soul and I was asking myself, "if you're not satisfied than what is it really that you want in life?"
When my head hit the pillow I heard simply, "Life is about Jesus. Its not about ministry, not about LEFC, not further education or the state of your relationships or finding the right community, or having the right plan, its not about bettering yourself or learning how to manage time or money or relationships. These are parts of life, even important parts. but life is about Jesus. To live is Christ. 
He is the cornerstone."


"As you come to Him, a living stone, rejected by men but in the sight of God chosen and precious, you yourselves like living stones are being built up as a spiritual house, to be a holy priesthood, to offer spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ. For it stands in scripture:
"Behold, I am laying in Zion a stone, a cornerstone chosen and precious, and whoever believes in Him will not be put to shame."
So the honor is for you who believe, but for those who do not believe,
"The stone that the builders rejected has become the cornerstone,"
and
"a stone of stumbling and a rock of offense."
They stumble because they disobey the word, as they were destined to do.
But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of Him who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light. Once you were not a people, but now you are Gods people; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy."
1 Peter 2:4-10

And the Lord God formed a man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living being.

Genesis 2:7

Life begins in God, He has been living for eternity and we live because He breathed life into us.  Its His breath, His spirit, we live because He lives. So this designer, creator and sustainer of life, He is the source of our answers on the question of life. He knows what its about, the purpose, the meaning, the way, everything about it in general and everything about it specifically for each one of us. And He chose Jesus. He chose Jesus as the cornerstone of life. He said, no matter what you do, the plans you make, the things you pursue, what you learn about, who you love; the first thing, the central thing is Jesus. Living your life only works best if it about Jesus. You can either reject Him, or come to Him. If you reject Him, He is still the cornerstone and you will never put everything together right, there will always be something messed up or missing. But if you come to Him, believing Him and valuing Him above all else, you will not be put to shame.

And this is the testimony: that God has given us eternal life, and this life is in His Son.

He who has the Son has life; he who does not have the Son of God does not have life.

These things I have written to you who believe in the name of the Son of God, that you may know that you have eternal life, and that you may continue to believe in the name of the Son of God.

1 John 5:11-13

The answer is JESUS. He can't be just part of your life. To live IS Christ. Any other way is not real life. its not abundant life, its not God breathed, spirit led life. Its dying life, its wheezing and gasping and grasping life, its sleeping life, fake life. its the matrix. Its grasping for things that DO NOT matter, that WILL NOT satisfy. Its stumbling and falling and dark life. Its not really living if its not in Jesus.


Jesus. Ive been wanting to write about Him. Not just write about Him. I want to wrap myself in Him, I want to know Him, love Him, talk about Him, burn for Him, treasure Him, adore Him, praise Him, follow Him, sing to Him, dance for Him, share Him, delight in Him, shout for Him.

Shout it out and lift up your voice in worship
sing it out until all the earth can hear it
Jesus is ALIVE and He saves 
He rescues and saves
(all sons and daughters)

Last night Jake was speaking at gateway and he was talking about knowing Jesus.  Not just feeling all good about Him but really knowing Him. He took us through 2 Peter 1 and Colossians 2:

May grace and peace be multiplied to you in the knowledge of God and of Jesus Christ our Lord.  His divine power has granted us all things pertaining to life and godliness, through the knowledge of Him who called us to His own glory and excellence...
2 Peter 1

...that their hearts may be encouraged, being knit together in love, to reach all the riches of full assurance of understanding and the knowledge of God's mystery, which is Christ, in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge.
Colossians 2

Grace, peace, life, godliness, wisdom, and knowledge...they all come through knowing Jesus. 1 Peter 1 says, set your hope fully upon the grace that is to be brought to you at the revelation of JESUS. 2 Corinthians 4 says that God who said, "let light shine out of darkness" has shone in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God (knowing God) in the face of JESUS. 

I had written out a whole bunch of excerpts from my journal over the past few months to share how God has led me into longing for Jesus but it seemed a little too long with all of that so ill just summarize: What God has been communicating to me lately is simply this, knowing Jesus is life. To die, well that is just gain because then we are truly with Him in an uninterrupted way. So my heart is asking, "how can I seek you with my whole heart? how can I love you with my whole life? how can I relate with you? I want to know you! 
and this morning I realized, in the word it says, seek and keep seeking, knock and keep knocking, ask and keep asking and it will be given to you. Make your wants Gods wants and then ask for what you want and He will give it to you. Its almost like in all my asking and still finding myself wanting I've forgotten that His heart is actually to answer, to give, that He wants me to know Him more than I ever have wanted to know Him. And I just hear that same whisper say to me,
"Ive heard your cry Rachel. Now open your hands and your heart and receive the knowledge of me. Receive peace and grace and everything you need for life and godliness and receive wisdom and understanding in knowing me, Jesus. I am revealing myself to you now. Touch, taste, see, hear, me. Im making you a witness. Come know me and find your life."


Come, everyone who thirsts
come to the waters, and he who has no money (nothing to earn it)
come buy and eat!
come buy wine and milk (pleasure and nourishment)
without money and without price
why do you spend your money (yourself, time and energy)
for that which is not bread, and your labor for that which does not satisfy? (for the affections and praise of man)
instead...
listen diligently to me, and eat what is good, and delight yourself in rich food
incline your ear, and come to me
hear, that your soul may live (yayay!)
and I will make with you an everlasting covenant,
my steadfast, sure love for David.
Behold, I made him a witness to the peoples, a leader and commander for the people.
Isaiah 55

Let it be mercy

Lately a quiet prayer surfaces quite frequently.
 It's simply, "I'm not able".
Sometimes it gets more specific like, "I'm not able to communicate the way I want to/need to", "I'm not able to love you the way I'm meant to" "I'm not able to approach you freely" "I'm not able to keep myself organized and have time for everything that always seems to seem like too much" "I'm not able to know and love others the way I'm supposed to" "I'm not able to think straight"
"Im not able, I'm not able, on my own"

As not so happy and positive as that sounds, its actually true and not meant to sound all negative and depressing. Its actually been quite uplifting and encouraging. The other day I was setting myself to spend time with God and I had an overwhelming sense of "I can't. I am not able to come to you clean, I'm not able to make myself worthy. I can't get rid of all the wrong motives or selfish ambitions or resistance to real surrender. I just can't clean myself." All I could think of was all the sin that may or may not be going on in myself and separating me from Him. And right after that the song came to mind that says,
When you think of me, let it be mercy.
Don't remember me according to my sin
But remember me with compassion
When my voice is heard around Your throne
Let it strike Your heart with love alone

When You think of me
When You hear my name
When You see my face
Let it be mercy
(misty edwards)

It occurred to me that while I have been trying to mature, trying to draw closer to God, trying to become more like Him, my goal has been to reach a point where I will be good enough to be in relationship with Him. I will someday just be close with him enough that I deserve a place near him, that I have earned a place in his presence.
This will never actually be the case.
Suddenly mercy became a very precious word.
His mercy is new every morning and needed every morning. I love mercy!

Let not mercy and truth forsake you;
Bind them around your neck,
Write them on the tablet of your heart,
⁴ And so find favor and high esteem
In the sight of God and man.
Proverbs 3:3-4

The truth is, on my own I will never be able. But mercy is Jesus, always making a way. I can come to Him just as I am and present myself as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to Him, and His righteousness (right-ness) becomes mine, and as I cling to Him, I can enter into relationship with my Father. Its not a step I have to complete before spending time with God, its just a reality and an invitation to love Jesus because of His great worth. 

Because of what God has done, you belong to Christ Jesus. He has become Gods wisdom for us. He makes us right with God. He makes us holy and sets us free. It is written, "The one who brags should brag about what the Lord has done."
1 Corinthians 1:30-31 NIRV

When He hears my voice, small and weak compared to the worship that is going on around His throne,  it is with steadfast love and mercy that he invites me in.

FIRE

I want to start writing here more regularly, which hopefully means they will be shorter ;)

today...FIRE. 
Steve and I signed up for a class a little while ago that is taught by Jimmy Nimon (Gateway House of Prayer's former director), it's called Cultivating Fiery Devotion. It was one of those scroll down through an email, see the title, realize its on a free evening, say, "why not?" and sign up for it kind of things. But as I have been waiting for it to start, God has begun whispering the word "fire" into my heart and stirring up the inside of me into a longing for the fire of Gods love to consume my heart. Those are all nice words, and I'm sure I've thought about them before but I mean I want the FIRE of GODS LOVE to CONSUME my HEART. 

I want my heart to burn within me
I want to love you like you love me
I want my heart to burn within me
(be the flame inside me)
I want to love you like you love me 
(completely)
I want my heart to burn within me, awaken love
(set your seal upon my heart, Jesus)
this was the joy set before you, that you would have my heart forever
(matt gilman)


Barely beating now, my hear is overcome
I fear there is nothing left for you
can you hear my heart from there?
it seems the distance is what I chose to bear

So rip these tendons, they hinder my reach towards you
rip these tendons, they hinder my reach toward you

would you meet me here?
where I rest my bones, where I lay my head down
this place is my escape
O God I need you to initiate

light up the sky, set our hearts on fire
light up the sky, let us see our creator
(bellavier)

No place Id rather be
no place id rather be
no place id rather be
here in your love,
here in your love

set a fire down in my soul that i can't contain, 
that i can't control
I want more of you God
I want more of you God
(united pursuit)


I want my heart to burn within me. I want to be excited to spend time with you again. I want to be excited to talk to you, to hear from you, to work with you. 
You know what I'm talking about, I don't have to explain it to you. You know why I was born, I was the joy set before you, that you would have my heart completely, forever. That I would be yours. That we would be reconciled, that we would be one. From eternity, you dreamed of me, you created me, you made me and you gave me life, your breath, your spirit. 
Oh God you knew me before I was born. You saw my unformed substance, my inmost parts, the inter workings of my mind, the passions of my heart. and you loved me completely. your hands knit me together, what an insane picture! You fashioned me, you dreamed me up and you made me happen. With your breath, with your voice, with you mind, with your heart, and I came to be.
 This is who I am, I am yours.

I want my heart to burn within me. Your loves flame to blaze inside me. thats what it is to burn, its your love jealous for my heart, consuming the insides of me, consuming the selfishness, the pride, the fear, the insecurity, the anxiety. Only love and joy and peace and faith and hope can withstand the flame. Only pure love, single minded, simple devotion, simple obedience, simply freedom. To love you like you love me.

God set me free to love you completely.
God set me free to love you completely
God set me free to love you completely
with all of me
I could say it seven times for completion,
your gonna have all of me.
your gonna have all my love
your worth it all. 
You are the worthy one
The only one worthy!

I want my heart to burn within me. Like the day that you called me. When you caught me as I was falling. You showed me your face, called me by name and there was nowhere else to turn so I came. 

Im so tired, it seems its my heart that needs revival. I want my heart to burn within me. Right now my mouth is parched and my nails are short and my mind stops short of all of your goodness. my heart is tired and torn, its worn unlike when I was firstborn, into the world, into your kingdom, into your love. Jesus I long to burn! There must be a spark of love in my heart, would you tend it, would you care for it, breathe on it, stir it, speak to it,"rise up! do not to shrink back."
I long to burn. Not just for a moment or just for a season or just for a day, I don't mean to flicker I want to blaze.

Stephen

A mans heart plans his way,

but the Lord directs his steps.

Proverbs 16:9 

Im not a man and have never been very good at planning but Oh Lord, please direct my steps.

Its funny because if anyone was following this blog closely like a book series and waiting for what might happen next I think between last post and this one it would be like the first book ending and you're waiting for the author to come out with the next one and it feels like an eternity.  I am probably the only one following my own life story closely enough for it to feel that way haha but honestly it has felt like soo long since I decided "believing is better" and in the mean time I've been waiting but also participating in the writing of the next part of this story.  Much like an author might experience, its been exciting, and scary and hard work deciding where this next part should go. I remember telling some coworkers in the middle of January that its so crazy making big decisions cause you know something will be decided and its like your waiting to find out what it is as if its out of your control but actually you are the one who is going to decide. So its like, "oh man i don't know whats gonna happen!" But wait, I'm the one who is going to decide whats going to happen haha. I was writing about the silliness of that in my journal though and came to the understanding that its like that because there actually is One who I have been waiting on, and truly He has given me freedom to decide things but is a very real and active person in the process and has the final say. So its actually more like waiting to see if you (me) will hear and follow His lead. Its nerve racking stuff for this girl.

Ive realized that while I share a lot of thoughts from my heart, things that I'm learning, like ideas and revelation and stuff, I don't actually share too much about the stuff of my life, I mean the people, the places, the activities, the day to day things that make up my coming and going and doing. For example, i said last time that I'm in the process of making all kinds of decisions and feel like God is the one who has brought me to this time for that purpose but I didn't say anything about what those decisions consist of.

Well one thing they consist of is this good-looking guy. Stephen Nowakowski. You may have seen him in a Facebook picture or two, or like a hundred. Honorary male member of the Triple Threat, worship leader, magic player, gaslight fan, songwriter, safety worker, Christ follower, people lover. To me about 6 months ago: loyal friend, prayer supporter, careful listener, running buddy, can-always-depend-on-for-a-quality-coffee date-guy. Im sure any of Steves close friends would agree that when you're a close friend of steves you know that you are a close friend of steves. There is no question of hm i wonder if he would like to talk to me if I called him back, or i wonder if steve would want to grab lunch or just sit at barnes and noble for a little, or get an iced coffee (all the way in denver) or i wonder if he would be interested if i started telling him about my life. You know he would. You know he cares, you know he wants to hear and he wants to tell and he wants to give time and somehow always has time and you know you will most likely feel very valued and appreciated during whatever time is spent in his company. At least this has been my ongoing experience since septemberish 2010.

My experience shifted a good bit at the beginning of January 2013. I won't go into all the details of that month because they are many, and I tend to get rambly if I go for the complete moment by moment account. Although our story is still in the making, it is one worth telling and if you want to make yourself available for a sit down talk I/ we would love to share it with you. But for now lets just say that if you haven't noticed yet, allow me to point out that we are very much together *please note the hand holding and couple-y pose above*
Just a few words I've been learning over the past few months of adjusting to sharing time and space and life with Steve ...

To choose and be chosen
I don't think I just happened to fall into loving Steve. Our dating relationship started in the most messy kind of time for me, major decision making time. Doors were opening all around me and opportunities presenting themselves and I knew that more than anything my Father in heaven wanted me to just chose some things and believe that He would meet me and direct me from there. Ive learned that love is a choice and truly this relationship began by God bringing me to a place where I wanted to and chose to open my heart to Steve. Its an intense thing the way God designed us to be with one person. It means choosing one person and being chosen by one person. It means commitment and singleminded devotion. Its probably a picture of something bigger, like the way He desires for us to chose Him and wants us to know that we are each His chosen.

Delight
A high degree of pleasure. There is something about knowing you are really loved by another person, that that person wants you around, enjoys your presence, and appreciates you all over. Its a joy to get to just enjoy another person. Enjoying and delighting implies satisfaction in what you're experiencing; I love just being with Steve, I thoroughly enjoy his company. And I notice it mostly in the in-between times, I like doing fun exciting things together but when I really feel this just delight in him is when were just being together, sharing space, sharing air to breath and time to live in.
I don't know if this thought fits under this but I wanted to say too that we just have fun. And Steve is just funny and he makes me laugh all the time and I love that :) And he's always smiling these days and I love that too. Even when were running he smiles, that didn't used to happen! Really I wish more people could know him like I know him, not because I would really want to share the relationship that we have, that would be kind of weird but just because I feel like I know him differently than anyone else ever gets to see him and the person I know is SO great.
"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." Theres a newish house of prayer song that has a line that says My God, my joy, my delight. I love this line because its not like what He can do for me or us, its not what he has done or will do, its just purely enjoying who He is and that He is who He is. Its just saying, "I like you!" Not only am I committed to you but I love loving you!

Time
Theres a new Joy Ike song that we have kind of adopted because I, and consequently he, started hearing it around the same time we started dating and it describes us pretty well and also has birds chirping in the background of the track (need I say more haha). Its actually called "Time" and there is a line in there that says "I do remember when I found I could stick by you all the time, and never really worry about wasting my time" When I heard it a little before we started dating I thought to myself, "This is how I want to feel with someone someday, like I'm not worried about giving him my time and life and know that our time together will not be wasted but will count for eternity and will bless God and others.
After that, we started spending all of our time together and I started really liking it :) Time is important you know, its more valuable than money even. Where and how and who you spend your time with says a lot and its something I tend to worry about just a little, I want to be sure my time is worth something because i think if its not being used intentionally its being wasted and thats just reality, we can waste our lives and I don't want to. Or we can spend our time on good things but never what God actually has in his heart and mind for us.
Im thankful to be with someone who also values time and is helping me not to worry about wasting mine but to believe that God is leading me/us very purposely.

This guy has kind of turned my plans a little bit upside down. It hasn't necessarily been an easy year thus far, its humbling and honestly im not very good at change. My hands cling tight to old things and hesitate to hold the new. But its all more than worth it. Its worth learning to share my heart and space and time and hopes and fears and dreams because Ive never met anyone on this earth who cherishes them the way that Steve does. Im thankful to be learning what it looks like to make decisions together and to pursue God together. I think that as humans in general, we live as if the way we think and what we say and decide to do only really matters for ourselves. Like we are our own person or something. But that couldn't be farther from the truth. Whether you live life side by side with another human being right now or not, there is One who knows your thoughts and your heart and all of those things we claim as our own. The earth is the Lords and everything in it, the world and all who live in it (psalm 24). You belong to the Lord and He knows your inward parts, what you're made out of, how you think and how you are (psalm 139). And no creature is hidden from his sight, but all are naked and exposed to the eyes of him to whom we must all give account (hebrews 4).
You are not your own and its the best news ever! Because He not only sees all of you but He loves all of you and He is in it for forever, that love does not ebb or flow and you never have to wonder if its right or best, there's no question. You share life and time and space with your creator and the lover of your soul. You are His chosen, He delights in you and wants to spend time with you more than anyone ever will. His love, it is better than life.

credit

Believing is better

Today the air was warm and the ground was wet and the sun was coming out which just makes my heart think one brilliant beautiful thing: SPRING! I saw a bluejay sweep across the stream and kept my eyes locked on him, diverting only to run inside and get my rain boots: bright yellow to match the hope in my heart for this coming season. By the time I got outside again my eyes searched down through the yard and up the tree standing tall over the stream for the blue and white speck. He must have flown off so I meandered down into the meadow to see if I could find him again. The grass was soft and my boots squished into the wet dirt. I came to the place I usually stop and sit, but found my bench wrapped in leafless vines that had died but held fast to their victim over the winter. With a harder stick I reclaimed my resting place and uncovered enough bench to sit and look out over what used to be the swimming hole.  I remember how I used to have to hold my nose to swim out into the middle where I couldn't touch the big rocks at the bottom. I used to wonder if I would ever out grow that embarrassing habit. After a summer of swimming in there my older brothers and the neighbors told us about snapping turtles and huge carp they would spear fish out of that hole. The stories scared us to shallow waters before I had a chance to learn the art of holding my breath under water. Now the swimming hole is hardly 4 feet deep and I can see down to the muddy bottom from my bench, although I can't remember if it was deeper then or if I have just grown ;)

I didn't actually think much of the swimming hole today as I sat, I usually don't. What I love to do down there now is watch the birds. In the late summer I can usually find some goldfinch in the trees but today a different color greeted me from all sides. There were at least 7 cardinals that I could see without turning my head. They were all congregated in the bush directly across from me, males of the brightest red and females with their orange and light brown feathers and little red beaks. They were just hanging out, flying from tree to tree like they do. Birds are funny, they all have their little ways. The blue jay, which I spotted again and started to wonder if it was some other kind of bird instead, flew from one tree to a tree in an entirely different section of the stream and then further down again out of site. But the little cardinals just went from tree root to tree branch, to rock, to bush, all in the same little area right across from me. It makes me wonder, why the different patterns? I was also wondering if they are all related, like extended cardinal fam? or were they just friends, little cardinal community? Are blue jays just more like loners? I guess I could research and learn, but sometimes its more fun to just wonder :) It is rest, to just stop and pay attention and notice things, little beautiful things right here around us. And then to let yourself be a little astonished and then to tell others about it.

Something did interrupt my wondering though, I was really biting my nails a lot. Ive noticed lately that when I'm biting my nails I get really mindless and its hard to pull myself back in. Sometimes I think the same way as when I used to have to hold my nose always, will I ever grow out of this embarrassing habit?? So I got to thinking a little bit about why I do it, I've always known it comes from something inside me or else I wouldn't still do it and it wouldn't be so stinkin hard to break the habit. I think it has a lot to do with fear. I think fear is uneasiness of mind, unbelief, mistrust. I think rest is trust and faith and thankfulness, peace of mind. I think fear steals from rest. I think biting my nails is like a fake rest. Because we are made for really knowing and trusting the Lord, resting in his promises and believing he takes care of everything when we put our hope and faith in him. So when fear comes into the picture it robs us of that rest. But I think our flesh knows we still need the break from all of our trying to figure things out so maybe we pick up other little habits to quiet the uneasiness of our minds. But really those little habits are just fake rest. It looks like biting my nails for me, but I don't think I'm alone in this. Maybe it looks different for you, some place you go to when you zone out and stare into space or watch tv for hours or play mindless little games. Im not saying these things are all terrible, i just think sometimes we get stuck in a place where we just take a fake break from life for a little. But I think Jesus offers a better rest, a real rest, and I think when I find myself just zoning out and biting my nails when I could be really seeing beauty and gifts and evidence of Him around me, I have to ask myself; what are you so afraid of? Afraid I don't deserve His goodness in this moment? Afraid Ill deceive myself into something less than the life he has for me? Afraid if I just stop to look at him Ill find he's not there? Afraid I'm just doing life wrong, or not good enough?

A few weeks ago I was at gateway and my two best friends were playing and singing. I was just sitting there and looking at them and my heart was so full of love. I reallyy love them, and I love that they really love God. My heart is free to worship with them because I know that they worship not just with their little songs on a little set but I know them. I know that they love Him with their lives. I also know that they have messed up a lot and that sometimes they don't believe and sometimes they trip and fall. Cause we share life together and I see it but I know that this worship is authentic because we walk together and were walking towards Him, towards holiness. No one is trying to pretend we've attained it but no one is satisfied with with any kind of selfishness or pride or unbelief that shows up.
I was sitting thinking about them, thinking about me, thinking about us pursuing the Lord. I was watching them and resting, like watching the birds not biting the nails. Just thankful for who they are and taking in the words they were saying, proclaiming about the God who we love. And I was thinking about moving forward, about running towards Him, about throwing off things that hinder, about pressing on. I prayed,

Let us experience more of your presence. 

You are. 

Please change the prayer of my heart from "I want you" to "You are." 

Please change my life theme from "I want to know you" to "You are." 

My story- from "I want you" to "You are."

That my life would be a daily faith experience with you. Just saying who you are, living who you are.

You are hope and joy and peace and life. 

I will praise you with my life. 

You are I  AM.

Love this moment because you are here in it. and it will only happen once and then its past- don't miss it - don't miss Him right now. I am here. I AM.

The story continues, the story is now, everyone is here, the story is now. 

You aren't missing it unless you are missing now. 

Believe me now, Trust me now.

Man I love when He answers. I LOVE when He answers. I love it because its so brilliant, so unlike anything I can come up with. So true. I have been longing to know Him, and telling Him, " I want to know you!" over and over again. But in this moment it just came out different, I saw them up there, I thought of Elisa behind me, how I didn't even know her not too long ago but how she is such a valuable friend now, and I thought of how we all are here because He is here. All of our stories the way they are because of Him, and the way they intertwine because of Him. So I just wanted the prayer to be different. It's good to seek but I love to find. What if my prayer were always "You are. You are good. I do believe you, I do know you and you are here." But how is that possible? Its possible because He is! And He is life and joy and peace and hope and He is RIGHT here in this moment. And the only way to miss him is to try to be somewhere else or be someone else. 

Last night as I was falling asleep I thought to myself, "I like believing better."

2/1/2013 (from the trusty journals of Rachel Landis)
So January has come and gone- the first month of the 2013. The end of the beginning. Inside of us humans is a crazy place haha, it changes in there soo much and theres just no explaining it. no pinning it all down at one time or wrapping it up in words to deliver to anyone, even myself. But finally right now I almost like it that way. I like that I can't recount every thought and feeling of what has led me to now. All I have is what I think and feel and choose to believe now, in this moment, and when this one is over then on to the next one. To live by faith- live each moment believing and walking in it. 
And what do I believe?
I believe that God is good. 
That He is light and that He is life. That He is faithful and He is my strength and my salvation. I believe that He is love and that his love is shinning down on my face and filling my heart like warmth from the sun. I believe that He is wise and that He is holy and I believe that He is watching me, that I am valuable to Him. That He likes me and sees me and His eye is on me. To lead me in the way everlasting. 
So tell me- where is there room for fear? What is fear when there is faith? It shrivels up itself and cowers in the corner to beat its own tricky self up. What can I fear? Whom shall I fear- when this is God. And he is here and true?
Faith is a shield because it protects against all those lies- it protects against "I am alone" and "I am lost" and "I am dark and helpless" and "I will fail." 
It's like a force field around me, so that none of the what-ifs can get me, they can't wipe me out. Not even the dread of sudden terror, like what if what I know now gets flipped and I land on my butt in humiliation- even thats okay because He is good and loving and watching. 
Even if the plan doesn't work out, if it changes, if there is another dilemma down the road- its okay. The rock is higher. 
Its so good to believe Him, to trust him. Man, the worst is to not believe, to be afraid. To be afraid is to be crippled and stuck.


So friends, all this to say that things are shifting. The inside of me is different now then it was at the start of this month. At the beginning of the year I believe God said that some of the waiting is over and that He wants to lead me forward in practical ways, that it was time to listen and ask for direction for my life, my story inside his story. Decision making can be a perfect storm for me but I will say that I have made some this month which Im sure one of these days I will have the grace and time to write to you or tell you about. But this was most important. Because for me, the process of making decisions about my life is less about what I am going to do and more about who I am going to believe.
 Im thankful because somehow there is faith in my heart where there was unbelief before. I don't know how it got there, or if it was always there and just stolen by fear. But if thats the case then I still can't explain how I got rid of the fear. Except that God does promise to "quiet all our fears with His love."

"In that day it shall be said to Jerusalem:
Do not fear; Zion, let not your hands be weak. 
The LORD your God is in your midst,
The Mighty One will save,
He will rejoice over you with gladness,
He will quiet you with His love,
He will rejoice over you with singing."
Zephaniah 3:16-17

Truth be told, this story is not over and I am still biting my nails at times and asking myself, "What the heck are you still afraid of??" and just because decisions have been made and there is now a plan in my heart doesn't mean I have any idea about the steps ahead. All I know is that He is good and that He loves me and that he is here right now and I don't want to miss Him. Steve said something the other day about crossing a bridge when we come to it, to which I thought to myself, "There is a bridge I need to cross every day, every minute of every day, the bridge from fear to faith."

Cause I like believing better :)

Reality

Its all about you. Its not about me. Reality. Maturity.
Catch me up in Your story, all for your glory
Ill give you all thats inside me, only please hide me
in Your face, in Your heart
beat, and we'll meet here in giving
and living and growing
farther up and deeper in-
in love with You, my joy, my delight
my dark is light to You
darkness runs from You, I run to You
broken, I come to You
My hope is You.
I won't trade these days
because while my flesh fades, I know Your word remains
always, always
speaking life to dry bones
though I can only answer with spirits longing groans
Your words are clear, "Come up here!"
sit by My feet, listen to My story
watch it unfolding
lean back against Me and feel My heart beat
see things as they are from
heavens mercy seat.
I bless you, I keep you, My face is what shines upon you
I turn to you and offer grace,
joy to the whole world and peace from My house to
yours.
Though your heart and world and earth are torn,
fear not for I know what its like to be born.
I am the Father, the Spirit and the Son,
and I have already won.

He is higher

I will not build my life on the passing sands of  how I feel inside from one moment to the next
I will love you Lord my rock my God my strength
a precious cornerstone the floods of death could never shake
for there is no peace of mind outside of truth in Christ
for the fear is real and its power can steal
but the stability of our times will be the
Rock that is higher,
He is higher
When i am afraid I will trust in You
When I'm overwhelmed I will cling onto the Rock
that is higher
He is higher
(laura hackett)

 It has been another humbling year. As I sit here, in the quiet hours of the morning at work, while Sam is still asleep and a long day awaits me, its hard to say what this year has been all about, and its hard to pull out a statement of where I am now and even harder to try to piece something together to say about this coming year. I want to write you something full of life and hope and faith and peace and joy, something full of love from my heart. I want to write you a story that explores the depths of darkness only to overcome it and rise in the most brilliant light of life.  But I don't think those things really come from me alone, they aren't things I can just conjure up, they never have been.  I always kind of wonder what exactly Jesus meant by, "Blessed are those who are poor in spirit." But sometimes thats the way it feels, like I'm poor in the fruits of the spirit, lacking in the ability to love deeply and selflessly, patiently wait for his coming, allow his presence to fill me with peace, be strengthened by joy, move in kindness and react in gentleness, use the control that has been given me over myself to make wise choices,  lacking in all around goodness.
But He says blessed are they because the kingdom of heaven is theirs. I don't know if this interpretation is really right but to me it makes a little sense in my heart this morning. Because when I feel poor in spirit, I feel like I'm last, I feel like I'm the beggar, the one who is sick who needs a healer, the one who is lost and needs to be found, the one who knows my need. And in the Kingdom of heaven it seems that the last are first, and the beggars are invited to the wedding feast and the sick are healed and the one lost sheep is sought after, and the ones who know their need will stop at nothing to find Him and touch an edge of his cloak or make a scene to get his attention or waste their life on him. It seems like when you are humbled then to lose your life to find it seems like a glorious option.

So I won't build my life upon the passing sands of how I feel inside from one moment to the next.
So I won't go on living according to the feelings of my poverty, i will seek the one who fills and rewards and invites. Because the way I feel, tired or energized, overwhelmed or content, excited or depressed, ready or cowardly, confused or like i might have a grasp on things, whether I feel like I'm winning or losing doesn't mean very much at all. Think about it, the way you feel shifts and passes with each wave of the day. And there can be tons of different waves every day! And sometimes we go chasing each and every one and wear ourselves out with it. Aligning our whole being to how we feel in one moment. I can wake up feeling a little depressed and decide that I will never have it together and God has left me to fend for myself and other ridiculas things. And seriously after I've stood up and realized its snowing or something else thats small and relatively insignificant Ill all of a sudden feel like I'm on top of the world and the day is going to be beautiful and how blessed I am and oh God is good! Only to walk down the stairs and hit my elbow on the banister or something annoying like that and feel like everyone is against me again. Its kinda funny really, how easily we can shift and change inside and how tempting it is to just follow after those feelings coming and going, being tossed about on the waves. Funny, but also time consuming and pretty worthless when it comes to actually moving forward in life, building up, or pressing on.
There is something higher than my passing feelings to believe, to build my life upon. For, "now we have received, not the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, that we might know the things that have been freely given to us by God." 1 Corinthians 2:12

The foolish man builds his house upon the sand. I have a house to build, a place for His name, a place for him to come and rest on earth, a house in my heart where He can live and move and have his being, working through me. If I attempt to build this house according to my feelings, then one minute I'm building for his kingdom and the next minute when some other thought comes across my mind that makes me feel alone or forgotten then I'm going to start building for myself, to fill some need I have. The cornerstone changes, and my whole house is out of balance. And then when the waves come in, the waves of life, the long days at work or just busyness, or the entrance of a new character or reappearance of an old one, or a decision that must be made or a situation that just needs his presence; the house is not fit to hold him, and its foundation shifts and swirls all around the issue until it just crumbles to the ground into the sea of confusion.

So what then is the other option? The wise man builds his house upon the rock. This rock who is higher. So we have all these feelings, but we just put them in their place, what are they? they are feelings. they come and go, they pass and change, they are fleeting. We use them to see our need for the rock. There is sand down here all around and its not good to build life on, I need something secure, something unmovable, something my spirit can steady itself upon. I need something higher. I need the rock. So I build my house on Him, on His truth, what he has to say. And then when the winds come and the rain and the waves of life, my house still holds him and the calmer of the waves can say from within, "Be still." And I can be the one marveling at this One, whom even the winds and waves obey.

It is New Years day, and I want to say that this year I am going to stop trying to build on the sand, stop getting stuck in how I feel from one moment to the next; and instead run and cling to and reach and hold onto the Rock who is so much higher, whose ways are higher and whose thoughts are higher. And I will build there upon his truth and come to know what he has freely given me. I will bring him my poorness of spirit and believe in Him to show me the ways of his kingdom. 
But as my friend Elisa has so eloquently reminded me, "Maybe its better to understand that we do not change for the year, rather we change constantly. And we have the freedom to change every hour and keep turning the leaves as we learn and grow. For every word not yet written there is nothing but beautiful open space on the page. Each individual word has the ability to change the story. So don't lets get caught up with pages and chapters and books. Lets just keep writing new stuff." 
And so, I won't call this a resolution, or a goal for 2013, because I didn't come to it by way of the year or this dot on my timeline. This isn't a chapter heading in my book. I came to it because of that One who is higher. He has written it boldly into my  heart with an arrow and a gentle push from behind. He has whispered it in my ear, "this is the way, walk in it." 
So ill boldly whisper it on to you,
Don't build your life upon the passing sands of how you feel inside from one moment to the next, those things don't hold, they don't last, they won't keep you safe. Instead, risk it all to love the Lord you God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength, He is your Rock and your strength. Even the floods of death can never shake a house built around Jesus, the precious cornerstone, rejected by men but chosen and beyond valued by God. You will not find peace of mind outside of His truth this year or any moment in life, because there is real reason to fear and its power is strong, so the only stability of these times will be Him, the Rock, who is higher than it all. When you are afraid, when you are overwhelmed, or when you are at peace and content, trust in Him. Bow low and come as you are, poor and needy, but reach up boldly to the throne of grace to receive the Spirit of God, that we might know and experience what free good free gifts the Father longs to lavish on us. 

"Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom which cannot be shaken, let us have grace, by which we may serve God acceptably with reverence and godly fear."

Hebrews 12:28

"Therefore whoever hears these saying of mine, and does them, I will liken him to a wise man who builds his house upon the rock: and the rain descended, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house; and it did not fall, for it was founded on the rock.
But everyone who hears these sayings of Mine and does not do them, will be like a foolish man who built his house upon the sand: and the rain descended, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, and it fell. And great was its fall."
(Jesus)