I will love you Lord my rock my God my strength
a precious cornerstone the floods of death could never shake
for there is no peace of mind outside of truth in Christ
for the fear is real and its power can steal
but the stability of our times will be the
Rock that is higher,
He is higher
When i am afraid I will trust in You
When I'm overwhelmed I will cling onto the Rock
that is higher
He is higher
(laura hackett)
It has been another humbling year. As I sit here, in the quiet hours of the morning at work, while Sam is still asleep and a long day awaits me, its hard to say what this year has been all about, and its hard to pull out a statement of where I am now and even harder to try to piece something together to say about this coming year. I want to write you something full of life and hope and faith and peace and joy, something full of love from my heart. I want to write you a story that explores the depths of darkness only to overcome it and rise in the most brilliant light of life. But I don't think those things really come from me alone, they aren't things I can just conjure up, they never have been. I always kind of wonder what exactly Jesus meant by, "Blessed are those who are poor in spirit." But sometimes thats the way it feels, like I'm poor in the fruits of the spirit, lacking in the ability to love deeply and selflessly, patiently wait for his coming, allow his presence to fill me with peace, be strengthened by joy, move in kindness and react in gentleness, use the control that has been given me over myself to make wise choices, lacking in all around goodness.
But He says blessed are they because the kingdom of heaven is theirs. I don't know if this interpretation is really right but to me it makes a little sense in my heart this morning. Because when I feel poor in spirit, I feel like I'm last, I feel like I'm the beggar, the one who is sick who needs a healer, the one who is lost and needs to be found, the one who knows my need. And in the Kingdom of heaven it seems that the last are first, and the beggars are invited to the wedding feast and the sick are healed and the one lost sheep is sought after, and the ones who know their need will stop at nothing to find Him and touch an edge of his cloak or make a scene to get his attention or waste their life on him. It seems like when you are humbled then to lose your life to find it seems like a glorious option.
So I won't build my life upon the passing sands of how I feel inside from one moment to the next.
So I won't go on living according to the feelings of my poverty, i will seek the one who fills and rewards and invites. Because the way I feel, tired or energized, overwhelmed or content, excited or depressed, ready or cowardly, confused or like i might have a grasp on things, whether I feel like I'm winning or losing doesn't mean very much at all. Think about it, the way you feel shifts and passes with each wave of the day. And there can be tons of different waves every day! And sometimes we go chasing each and every one and wear ourselves out with it. Aligning our whole being to how we feel in one moment. I can wake up feeling a little depressed and decide that I will never have it together and God has left me to fend for myself and other ridiculas things. And seriously after I've stood up and realized its snowing or something else thats small and relatively insignificant Ill all of a sudden feel like I'm on top of the world and the day is going to be beautiful and how blessed I am and oh God is good! Only to walk down the stairs and hit my elbow on the banister or something annoying like that and feel like everyone is against me again. Its kinda funny really, how easily we can shift and change inside and how tempting it is to just follow after those feelings coming and going, being tossed about on the waves. Funny, but also time consuming and pretty worthless when it comes to actually moving forward in life, building up, or pressing on.
There is something higher than my passing feelings to believe, to build my life upon. For, "now we have received, not the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, that we might know the things that have been freely given to us by God." 1 Corinthians 2:12
The foolish man builds his house upon the sand. I have a house to build, a place for His name, a place for him to come and rest on earth, a house in my heart where He can live and move and have his being, working through me. If I attempt to build this house according to my feelings, then one minute I'm building for his kingdom and the next minute when some other thought comes across my mind that makes me feel alone or forgotten then I'm going to start building for myself, to fill some need I have. The cornerstone changes, and my whole house is out of balance. And then when the waves come in, the waves of life, the long days at work or just busyness, or the entrance of a new character or reappearance of an old one, or a decision that must be made or a situation that just needs his presence; the house is not fit to hold him, and its foundation shifts and swirls all around the issue until it just crumbles to the ground into the sea of confusion.
So what then is the other option? The wise man builds his house upon the rock. This rock who is higher. So we have all these feelings, but we just put them in their place, what are they? they are feelings. they come and go, they pass and change, they are fleeting. We use them to see our need for the rock. There is sand down here all around and its not good to build life on, I need something secure, something unmovable, something my spirit can steady itself upon. I need something higher. I need the rock. So I build my house on Him, on His truth, what he has to say. And then when the winds come and the rain and the waves of life, my house still holds him and the calmer of the waves can say from within, "Be still." And I can be the one marveling at this One, whom even the winds and waves obey.
It is New Years day, and I want to say that this year I am going to stop trying to build on the sand, stop getting stuck in how I feel from one moment to the next; and instead run and cling to and reach and hold onto the Rock who is so much higher, whose ways are higher and whose thoughts are higher. And I will build there upon his truth and come to know what he has freely given me. I will bring him my poorness of spirit and believe in Him to show me the ways of his kingdom.
But as my friend Elisa has so eloquently reminded me, "Maybe its better to understand that we do not change for the year, rather we change constantly. And we have the freedom to change every hour and keep turning the leaves as we learn and grow. For every word not yet written there is nothing but beautiful open space on the page. Each individual word has the ability to change the story. So don't lets get caught up with pages and chapters and books. Lets just keep writing new stuff."
And so, I won't call this a resolution, or a goal for 2013, because I didn't come to it by way of the year or this dot on my timeline. This isn't a chapter heading in my book. I came to it because of that One who is higher. He has written it boldly into my heart with an arrow and a gentle push from behind. He has whispered it in my ear, "this is the way, walk in it."
So ill boldly whisper it on to you,
Don't build your life upon the passing sands of how you feel inside from one moment to the next, those things don't hold, they don't last, they won't keep you safe. Instead, risk it all to love the Lord you God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength, He is your Rock and your strength. Even the floods of death can never shake a house built around Jesus, the precious cornerstone, rejected by men but chosen and beyond valued by God. You will not find peace of mind outside of His truth this year or any moment in life, because there is real reason to fear and its power is strong, so the only stability of these times will be Him, the Rock, who is higher than it all. When you are afraid, when you are overwhelmed, or when you are at peace and content, trust in Him. Bow low and come as you are, poor and needy, but reach up boldly to the throne of grace to receive the Spirit of God, that we might know and experience what free good free gifts the Father longs to lavish on us.
"Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom which cannot be shaken, let us have grace, by which we may serve God acceptably with reverence and godly fear."
Hebrews 12:28
"Therefore whoever hears these saying of mine, and does them, I will liken him to a wise man who builds his house upon the rock: and the rain descended, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house; and it did not fall, for it was founded on the rock.
But everyone who hears these sayings of Mine and does not do them, will be like a foolish man who built his house upon the sand: and the rain descended, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, and it fell. And great was its fall."
(Jesus)
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