thanksgiving eve

O Give thanks to the LORD, for He is good!
For His mercy endures forever!
Let the redeemed of the LORD say so,
Whom He has redeemed from the hand of the enemy,
And gathered out of the lands,
From the east and from the west,
From the north and from the south.

They wandered in the wilderness in a desolate way,
They found no city to dwell in.
Hungry and Thirsty, their soul fainted in them.
Then they cried out the to LORD in their trouble,
And He delivered them out of their distresses.
And He led them forth by the right way,
That they might go to a city for a dwelling place.

Oh that men would give thanks to the LORD for His goodness,
And for His wonderful works to the children of men!
For He satisfies the longing soul
And fills the hungry soul with goodness.

Psalm 107

Stories and Soup

Since my post called "Story of my Life" God has not stopped talking to me about stories. Actually it probably started even before that with "Show me Your Glory". I wrote about how in the old testament when Moses was leading the people of Israel through the dessert towards the land God had promised to them, God got angry at the people because they were basically telling Him that they didn't want him and his ways anymore. So He was telling Moses that He wasn't going to go back on His promise, they could still move on the the promised land but He wasn't going to go with them (Exodus 33). I wonder if this was almost like a test for Moses. Because I really believe that, although the promised land was a physical place that God promised to Abraham, it is also a spiritual reality of closeness and rest and friendship with God (Hebrews 4). I wonder if He was testing Moses to see if he would be happy with just the physical place or if Moses heart really wanted God himself. Moses came to a place where He had to make a choice about what direction this story was going to go. He could chose to be satisfied with this and continue towards the land with the people and without God's presence. It would still be a little adventure with a decent reward.  But Moses decided instead that he didn't want just a nice little story with a manageable ambition. He wanted a story that couldn't be written alone, that couldn't be possible without God, he knew the existence of the nation of Israel would be empty and meaningless without God himself. He knew his own existence would be meaningless without God. He preferred to abandon the story altogether if the quest was not led by God and with Him and to Him. So he refused to go on. He told God that if He didn't come with them they wouldn't move  And then when God agreed to come along Moses showed Him what his heart was really traveling for. Moses wanted to know God, he wanted to see Him and know His name and His character and His ways. He wanted to know who "I AM" was and He wanted to be where "I AM" was and know what "I AM" could do. He knew that would be a story worth living, an ambition worth giving his life leading a nation of stubborn people for. Isn't is true that the reason we study Moses is not because of what he did, lead the people out of Egypt, but that he sought Gods face and God spoke to him face to face like a friend. And isn't it true that the nation of Israel is not significant today because they made it to the land that God promised but that the tiny insignificant nation is in fact still here today and still fighting for their existence and that God is still with them, writing a story that will testify to the world that the LORD, He is God.

I think we are all familiar with the art of "getting by", but what about the "art of losing myself in bringing You fame"? Ive been reading a book about this idea of stories and what makes a good story and what kind of character you want to be in your story etc etc. (A Million Miles in A Thousand Years) One thing Donald Miller describes is that there is a difference between a good story and a great story. A good story is nice, people like it, they can identify, its funny and enjoyable. But he says a great story is different, favorite stories have two important elements regarding the ambition of the character : it must be very difficult to attain; and the ambition should require sacrifice. In the best stories the character should have to sacrifice his life for the good of someone else.
I had to agree with him there (and a lot of other places in the book). My favorite movies to watch are the epic ones where Frodo is practically killed by his quest by the time he destroys the ring, to save the whole of Middle Earth. Or okay take the Hunger games, a lot of life at risk there. I mean isn't Twilight even along these lines? The stories we get the most worked up about are the ones where someones life is at stake and the prize is nothing short of saving the world, each other, or the love of whoevers' life.

As my heart has been opening to this idea that God is writing my life like a story and that it has ambition, direction, and purpose; I have begun to notice that at some points along the way I have a choice to make in the progress of my story.  I can decide to aim myself more for just the physical temporary pleasures. I can create goals to arrive at certain levels of success, and there is nothing wrong with that. But I feel the Author asking my heart if I want just an ordinary nice good story or  if I want the extraordinary one that He has written in his heart and is always waiting to lead me in. The one that "No eye has seen or ear heard or heart ever even dreamed" the one that is "abundantly more than I have asked or imagined" the one that includes "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you a hope and a future". And my heart says "yes yes yes! I want it and nothing less, I want you and nothing less!" and then He answers, "it will cost you your comfort, it will cost you your idea of safety, it will cost you your temporary earthly pleasures, it will cost you your heart. Your very life. If anyone loses his life for my sake, he will find it. If anyone will come after me he must deny himself, take up his cross and follow me. You will have to lay down your name and take up Mine."
It reminds me of where the title of my blog comes from, homesick for holiness. Holiness is my aim because thats what Jesus wants for me, because He knows its what is best for me. Intimacy with Jesus is my hearts desire, because his love is written on my heart. I cannot settle for less than a story wrapped up in pursuing Him and His face and His heart and His ways and His love. Because I was made for it. And it's a story of risk and learning and hurting and falling and running and missing and dyeing and living and loving. So I'm with Moses, Im not moving unless you come with me! I quit unless it is all about you! Its all about You or else its just not worth it.

Hear O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. You shall love the Lord your God with all of your heart, with all of your soul and with all of your strength.

...And the Lord commanded us to observe all these statutes, to fear the Lord our God, for our good always, that He might preserve us alive, as it is this day. 

You said this to keep me safe. I try to keep myself safe in my own story, safe, comfortable, and in control, but there I die and my story fades into anything but memorable. For it is only in your will that I am free, only in your story. Only in your glory that I am alive and my story is moving and worth watching.

 I am not made to survive, I am made to thrive.


So that brings me to soup. What? yepp. Because I just described a pretty epic story. I just described what I claim to be the purpose of my everyday life. To know God, and to love Him, and to make Him known. But life doesn't feel so epic these days. It has at times, I like my story. I treasure my testimony, how God called me and helped me obey him and then showed me his peace and his love his grace and fellowship with His Spirit. I love how he has taught me, how he has changed me. I have real experience, real encounter with the living God to share. I can sing, Jesus Jesus how I trust Him, how I've proved him over and over. His spirit is water to my soul, His words are bread to my body, His face is my light. His promise is my hope.

When you said, "Seek my face" My heart said to you, "Your face, O Lord, I will seek. Do not hide your face from me. Do not turn your face away from me in anger. You have been my help, Do not leave me or forsake me, O God of my Salvation...

I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.

Psalm 27

I also recently read Pilgrims Progress. Christian would agree with me that although the journey of living for God is awesome, there are valleys and seasons that don't feel as exciting. They don't feel full of life, it doesn't feel like winning. It feels like soup.
I was telling my now official friend, Elisa, how this chapter of my story has felt like yes God is teaching and I hear things and learn things and am on a different word or idea every other week. It's "thankful" or "wisdom" or "gifts" or "light" or "simple" or "hope" or "holiness" or "story"...but nothing seems to sink in and really come out of my heart. It just all goes in and swirls around. We thought maybe its like soup. Like God is adding all the ingredients for a good story, a tasty soup, and its just simmering inside, getting ready for the moment when it can be ladled out and passed around the table for all to enjoy. Like all these things that God is putting in me, they make me who I am. They are not random and they are not purposeless.
Another thing she said that stuck with me (besides the soup) was the simple fact that God is still just as present during seasons of waiting and simmering as He is during the climatic times of our lives when things change and you can feel and see it all. He is still writing the parts that seem boring to us. And he actually isn't bored with it. Which is what we are sometimes afraid of i think, like oh man if I don't get myself together quick God is just going to get sick of this and move on to someone else. The crazy thing is that I think he might like this part the best of all. The part where he is developing our character and bringing all things together for the next climax. I kinda picture someone who is passionate about cooking, or creating; they love the process! They actually enjoy the mess of everything all over the kitchen and this goes in at this time and this flavor works well with that one. Or like when I'm sewing and I just have buttons and thread and fabric and patterns all over the floor. Its a mess but I love it. Or like a writer, they have a story in mind and a place where its all going but they have a whole book to write while characters are developing and plot is twisting and every things getting set up. Hm, its like playing Settlers of Catan. Winning a good game of settlers is such a great feeling, but it wouldn't be if it weren't for the build up. When you know you have 9 points but one of them is hidden so everyone else thinks you only have 8. And you almost have all the right cards you just need one more number rolled and you get it and you're waiting for your turn and your brother is also close and his turn is before you and what if he gets what he needs! Its intense. and its exciting because of all the play that goes on before that moment. God is setting up, he's adding ingredients, he's putting the pieces together, he's working the plot, and he's loving it.
I think when we stop and believe Him, acknowledge his presence, search the dark with eyes of faith, this moves his heart more than ever. I think He can't wait to break through the wall but He is waiting for the opportune moment when our hearts are ready. But in the mean time I think He is so blessed by our weak love that holds on and doesn't give up. He knows what is coming. I think if we can trust and believe He loves it we might begin to love it to, and surrender the last bits of control we hold onto and embrace inexpressible joy.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, 
who according to His abundant mercy has begotten us again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance incorruptible and undefiled and that does not fade away,reserved in heaven for you, who are kept by the power of God through faith for salvation ready to be revealed in the last time.
In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need be,you have been grieved by various trials, that the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ, whom having not seen[a] you love. Though now you do not see Him, yet believing, you rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory, receiving the end of your faith—the salvation of your souls.
1 Peter 1

Tonight I was listening to Brittany share some of her story of the past year of her life. How God has accelerated her process and brought her into a place of peace and rest and freedom in Himself. How He has transformed her mind and placed her in a community where she can passionately pursue His face and will. She was overflowing with it. "It" being just i don't know just that awareness of "I am right where God wants me! and His life is the best ever!! I love Him! And the parts of me that don't love him or aren't surrendered will be because He is faithful and He is here." I caught my mind wandering and realized, like okay she was sitting in the chair next to me at Starbucks but thats not where she was at all. She is at home, she is with Jesus, seated in heavenly places.
But God, who is rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in trespasses, made us alive together with Christ (by grace we you have been saved), and raised us up together, and made us sit together in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, that in ages to come He might show the exceeding riches of His grace in His kindness towards us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God. 
Ephesians 2:4-8

In the same moment I felt extremely homesick. Homesick for holiness, homesick for intimacy, homesick to know and see Jesus as He is. Homesick for Him. Homesick for what I was listening to Britt describe. But all still in the same moment, I felt God tell me to dream and try to imagine what home with him is really like. His home inside of me and my home inside of him. Him living here on this earth through me and me living in heaven with him. To set my face towards home and fully believe that I will see His goodness in the land of the living. Because the story He is writing and loving far exceeds the dreams of my imagination. And the story He is writing brings me home. 

Now I saw a new haven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away. Also there was no more sea. Then I, John, saw the holy city, New Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. 
And I head a loud voice from heaven saying, "Behold, the tabernacle of God is with men, and He will dwell with them, and they shall be His people, God Himself will be with them and be their God.
And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away. 
Then He who sat on the throne said, "Behold, I make all things new." And He said to me, "Write, for these words are faithful and true." 
And He said to me, "It is done!" I am the alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. I will give of the fountain of the water of life freely to him who thirsts...

And the Spirit and the bride say, "Come!" And let him who hears say, "Come!" And let him who thirsts come. Whoever desires let him take the water of life freely
He who testifies to these things says, "Surely I am coming quickly." Amen. Even so, come, Lord Jesus!

Are you coming back for me?

Im looking for something
so new its older than
anything I know
Im looking for someone
who can't be caught or kept
or found
I'm looking for some time
I had, not that long ago.
I must have put it down
somewhere when my hands
got full
Im looking for the one I thought
I knew-
The lover of my soul.
Tell me, have you seen him?
Could you tell him I am waiting?
I have something to ask him-
Are you coming back for me?

Crying behind shades
changing lanes on these streets
that don't change
Back and forth like the
stuff in my brain and veins
feelings that swirl all around
all day and come out however they want
whenever
Passing beauty that should
transport and transform
the insides of this cavernous
pilgriming soul
fighting for control
Breathing and sighing against
hunger and desire, always
buying but not satisfying
so im crying-
Are you coming back for me?

Old tears and old fears surface on another New
in the middle of an old year
But an invitation to discover
uncover a marking on the next tree
theres another piece of the puzzle
just one hour can remind me
that there is a full
picture
a final destination
a complete story
written from the moment of creation,
kept in His imagination.
His love like glue
holds the process and my heart together
and theres a whisper-
Im on my way back for you.

Sometimes you forget
when feelings take control
that there's more to here and now,
your eyesight isn't full.
The story I've been writing
started with my breath of life
you must have thought my power
could be applied without a fight.
But the thing about my love, my Love,
is that it doesn't erase or subtract
that which can only cause more need
for my face , to point you back on track,
You see little bits, the worthless and imperative
Im working both for my glory,
weaving this tapestry, creating this narrative
But I promise through this cloud
through this maze and through every little day,
if you hold on and set your heart to believe
you will see that
I never even left your side.

just some life

I just want to write! Ive started like 5 blogs these past few weeks but haven't really gone anywhere with any of them and I'm not really sure where to go with this one, I just want to say something. I was just at Warwicks fall play of "The Miracle Worker" (the story of Helen Keller) and my friend Brittany was telling me that she thinks maybe I probably sometimes feel like Helen, lots going on inside and so much I want to say but I just don't always know how to get it out! haha take that for what its worth but it's probably at least a tiny bit true.

So I think ill just take you through my week, because it was the first one in awhile that seemed really long. And I think it was a little crazy, so maybe some interesting thoughts will come out of it. Tonight I think I'm writing for you guys. I know I've said before that I mostly do this blog for myself, because I process things through writing and I just needed an outlet for all the thoughts/ revelation that flashes through my brain and usually just returns to my think tank without ever producing anything. But I think tonight I'm writing for you. and for me, but I want to write for you. 

So last saturday night I did something that I've been wanting to do for a little while but my organic/natural inclined self had been protesting and ultimately stopping me. I finally gave in to dyeing my hair! Its just a shade darker with a red hue (medium chestnut brown to be exact) and I kinda love it. I chickened out of the permanent box stuff and just went with the temporary tube but its been a week and its still in so who knows how much longer it will stick with me. Anyway, this was inspired by a fall costume party I was hosting for our small group. This was actually the very first time I have ever really had an occasion to dress in costume, believe it or not. So I went with probably the best character to be created in Disney ( I know that's a big statement), Gisele from Enchanted! I had a little internal battle at Joannes Fabrics when it came to actually figuring out how to pull off her dress. It went something like, "Rachel, you should really just be a butterfly, you don't want to spend the next two days glued to the sewing machine." "Yes, I do" "No, you don't even know if you can actually make a dress, throw on a tutu and just come up with some wings." "No, i think I'm gonna do it." Eventually Giselle won out and two days at the sewing machine was no exaggeration. 

While I was working on this though, I got really happy inside, just really full of joy seeing it come together. It was like wow,  I love this! I love discovering that I can do something, make something, create something, that I had no idea I could actually do. I love to make things, but most things I make I do for the first time and really don't know going into it if I can do it, if it will turn out anything like I wanted it to. And then during the process I start to see the actual idea coming to pass, its like what I pictured in my mind, happening right in front of me. And that is one of my favorite things. When ideas become reality. 

Anyway, if you haven't seen Enchanted, you should indulge yourself. 

My other thought with this costume was like, I mean princess is a little cheesy right? But I decided thats okay, better to embrace it then to pretend there isn't something in me that wants to identify with a princess. My favorite thing about them is they always have really beautiful spirits. And they are always full of hope (for their freedom, for their prince, for their happily ever after). And they are always friends with little birds. And I love in the end how they bring life to their kingdom, when they get rescued and restored and everything's right again, they are always loved by their people and lead everyone into believing there is a reason to celebrate and enjoy life and dance in the streets. Gisele story is so great because she is like the classic idealistic little princess waiting for her true love. And then she gets sent to real world and thrown into our society where things don't work quite like a fairy tale. But I love that she doesn't change how she is because of the environment she finds herself in. She knows who she is, what she believes and she's convinced it works, even if no one else around her thinks so, and even if she looks and acts ridiculas in the process. In the end she gets to see "true love" happen in real life. Again, I like when ideas play out in reality. 

Okay so my busy exciting weekend came to a screeching halt due to hurricane Sandy on Monday. I like the part about inclement weather when it switches up normal routines. I was a little excited going into work because I knew we would have to stay inside and it would be cozy and we could watch movies and watch the storm. Somehow though, monday and tuesday just seemed to drag on like crazy. I mean 24 hours in a pretty small house going from meal to movie to meal to movie, I just felt a little brain dead. Its really hard to explain but you know the feeling when you just don't really want to try to live intentionally. Like you are just tired and you just give into mindlessness and you don't want to try to think outside any kind of box or do anything really. Thats pretty much the spirit that just got me. I didn't even feel like eating the apple crisp we made. Thats just weird. And I knew it was happening which was even more annoying, because I really hate that, I like to be alive inside, and creative and thinking about others and everything. I want to have a spirit that influences the environment I am in, that brings life no matter what the situation. 

So by the time wednesday rolled around and I had off and I could live my life a little, I felt like I had to pick myself up again and try to think in a direction and move there. It started with having lunch with my dad. Which was great. And then I got ice-cream with my mom, also great. 

And then I made dinner with my buddies and we went to Dunkin Donuts. Way out in Denver. Cause that's what we do.  We have been working our way through Ezekiel. Just reading a chapter together whenever we can and letting God guide us into His truth. Ezekiel is interesting. There's lots of chapters with symbols and pictures that are really hard to understand, sometimes were really just guessing. Its cool though because pretty often, not every week, but most of the time we find Jesus in the chapter somewhere. A reference that there is a better way coming, an everlasting covenant, an atonement is on its way. Another thing we find is God repeating over and over again His reason for everything He says and does, "so that they may know me, that I am the Lord." It's a beautiful phrase he says all over the Old Testament. 

This night we got into some heated discussion. We are a very interesting little crew, "Triple Threat" some may call us. I am incredibly thankful for these two in my life. They are truly a gift from God and a small but true community. Anyway, without going into the dynamics of our personalities and how they sometimes crash when trying to communicate in each of our unique ways, ill just say that it can get pretty interesting, which is my cop out word for good and bad and everywhere in between haha. We got to discussing Jesus, and what it means to really know Him, and how that quest plays out in our lives. At least I'm pretty sure that's what we were discussing. I ended up sharing my heart a little bit more in depth. I tried to pull out the words in my mind and the feelings in my soul and the thoughts in my heart, I tried to express where I am at in my personal relationship with Jesus. You know, how we say it, its a relationship not religion. Do we know what that implies? Real relationship with real God in person, Jesus Christ. I feel a little stuck, a little full of ideas, a little lacking in the reality of them in my life. Like I'm trying to relate to an idea, instead of a person, a spirit, a being. Knowledge about God instead of Experiencing Him. And the awesome thing about community is that when one person is stuck, sometimes another person isn't and they can speak and nudge and pull and pray and give. They can help. So they helped me. They made me angry and frustrated and annoyed with their answers. But they loved me to truth. They graced me with the description of reality despite my lying feelings. And then since human words can only go so far they prayed for this God himself to come and love me along this journey. 

So I left with a spark in my spirit. 

They said if I feel stuck and I don't like where I'm at I should do something, and I should do it in faith. I thought through all the things I can think to just go do. I could start school, I could join gateway, I could return to a YWAM school. Im sure if I made a decision like that and committed it to the Lord He would be with me in it. But I know I haven't heard him tell me to do something like that. I think that I know that God wants me here. But still to do something about here and now. So I started small, I decided to take a break from Facebook. It was becoming my first thing in the morning and last thing at night habit. And filling all the cracks of my day. I want Jesus to fill the cracks of my day. I want to find Him first thing in the morning and think on him until I drift to sleep.  There are plenty of reasons why Facebook is good and its good to be connected and see and talk to that large loose community, its practical and a lot of other things. Im sure I could have come up with a good reason why God wasn't really asking me step away from it. And i don't even necessarily think he was asking me to. But I could also just do it, and do it in faith. Give that time to him not to earn his presence but to give myself space and time to think on him. To just give him some of me on the way to all of me. I could do it and believe that it's for him and will bring him joy. 

He is only a breath away because every breath is handed to us by him. Maybe in giving to him I can meet his hand and touch him. 

Thursday was better. I gave him my hunger and fasted for my family. Believing it wasn't to earn his response but just to give myself, my flesh to him. 

Friday I got to spend time with my brother and sister. My God given from birth community. We could be together and talk and share and encourage and pray. We could tell ideas and plan to do them. It made my heart burn. I could see that God is here all along. He is always working good things together for us. He always loves, always wants whats best. He lives in me and shares his ideas. He will help, I don't have to make things happen, He is doing things. I want to help.

It seemed like a long week. I feel a little weird, I know this sounds a little different than usual. I guess I just wanted to ramble about life a little bit. Cause life can seem kinda random and incohesive, like this week. But I think grace weaves itself through all the little things that happen. in our days and weeks and lives. I think we can chose to reach out and receive grace to move forward, to look up, to step ahead, to take our ideas and our desires and knowledge and let God create something surprisingly beautiful right before our very eyes. 

I said I wanted this to be for you, but it looks like I've mostly talked about me again. Next time I'm going to talk about Jesus. Because He is for both of us. and we are for Him.