Just let my heart be alive

From sometime right before Christmas....

Feeling: exhausted, drained, "all over the place" and unprepared for nothing in particular

I just finished a long day at work and its late and I know I have to get up and do the same thing early tomorrow morning but despite my tired body, my mind doesnt want to give up this rare quiet moment for some undivided thinking.

So I was just thinking about how lately I feel like these days just go by without me getting a chance to really understand them, or grasp them or something. Like it seems like I just go and go, always a little bit behind so that im thinking about the next thing or insecure about the last thing during this thing and meanwhile just doing what needs to be done but unsure if any of it is really what im meant to be doing or if its just there in front of me to do. 

But there have been other times where I have all the time in the world to think and decide and dwell and that just turns into overthinking and fear and I dont get anywhere good.

So it comes to like a sunday morning and people ask me how my week was and my mind is completely blank as to what even happened this week, what was this week even for or about? Or they ask how are you? and thats an even trickier one because i havent gotten a chance to really know myself or something.

I guess what im saying, in confusing and round about ways...is I want to really live. I dont think life is meant to pass by without me even realizing what it is, who its for, why I am. And I dont think its supposed to be spent thinking in circles to define any of that.  Whenever I'm with anyone or a whole group of people we always do this this normal thing of exchanging, "how are you"s and "im good"s  or "whats new" "nothing really"s "how was your week" "hmm, what was my week? pretty normal but good i guess"

but what does that "good" even refer to? I did what I had to do, went to work, interacted with people, woke up, went to sleep.

I think sometimes that can all be very meaningful and very real, im just saying right now in my life those questions really stump me, i honestly dont really know my answer, i wouldnt say its good or bad with any real conviction.. and to avoid sounding all intense about it I just respond "good, nothin new, etc"

I thought of this line from an old misty edwards song, "Just let my heart be alive, let me be living deep deep on the inside." I think it goes with a quote from a teacher I heard in YWAM, Landa Cope, who said something to the effect of, "Intimacy with Jesus is the only thing that makes the mundane life worth something." And then a song by sisterbrother:

Christ in me, the hope of glory

our Father sent his only son, 

to live among the weak and poor,

then glorified to reign forevermore

with all that I am and all that I have, I bring you my worship,

honest and true

and may the words of my mouth and the song of my heart,

be a reflection of who you are

What im getting at is that I think there is a place between too much time to think and not enough time to realize whats going on where we can be beautifully aware of Jesus Christ living inside us, and be deeply intimate with this man and his heart and familiar with his ways and obedient to his directions, so much so that our hearts will be burning deep on the inside with his love, joy, peace, patience, goodness and we will be very much alive as he is. and i think you would see it not just when you get to where youre going in the day, at work, at church, with this person or that person. I think you would see it in all the inbetween times, in the car, stopping to get gas, running into the grocery store, waiting in line, coming and going, I think thats when this life would be bursting out.

Im not sure exactly how to get there, because once again just aknowleging these things doesnt actually change it in my life.  

Jesus, 

my heart just dries out, working these crazy hours and then spending time with people and doing this and that, I feel burnt out just in time for this holiday. I want to be so close to you this christmas, refreshed and renewed by you. You see my coming and going, you are familiar with all my ways. i am not hidden from your sight. I am open and laid bare before you. You know the inside of me, the place that I dont really know always, the state of my heart, you know how i really am, where I go to be filled, how empty i still feel.  So God i mean just help me give it all to you.  I am talking about feeling right now. my soul. I know as soon as I wake sam up it will be all business, all getting one place to another. And i know as soon as im off im not really gonna be cheerful and excited, iim gonna want to just be alone and go do my own thing. I think its a matter of deciding to just change that or something but im not sure if i have the strength to do that. I feel like its my right to be that way but I dont actually want to be, but i do. Its like a trap and a prison, so i think its probably a lie or a stronghold. 

Baptize my mind