So he humbled you, allowed you to hunger

Funny cause I was considering fasting this week but instead God had been teaching me about the hunger of my soul...
It's cool I was just reading back through the last few posts and its really awesome how he has answered some of my questions or is just beginning to open up some of these things that I feel or wonder about.  Most of the time I don't even know what is on my heart or how I really am feeling until I start writing about it. And then I don't really understand it all until I read back over it like that and its like woa, really clear question or need or idea and then the next time is like aha, answer!
Anyway, lately i have been realizing that there is a emptiness in me. Just now, reading through, I see it in the spoken word poem, I read it in the last post even, this desire and craving for more real life. And now I see all around me ways that God is showing me how to fill that space.
Everyone has heard about the "God shaped hole" in your heart and I do know that my whole heart can be filled and satisfied only by the person of God. But I think that means SO much more than the narrow view I have had about it.
 Because Im still hungry.
The other day I was standing in the kitchen at my parents house and Debbie, Christina, and mom were talking about the funeral they had just come home from and just praising God for this mans life through their conversation/ processing what they had experienced. I had gone to gateway instead of the viewing just because I didn't feel like I really knew the family in any direct way like they did and had been wanting to go to gateway and spend time with God anyway. I had felt filled, in no specific way, while I was there but when I got home and was listening to their comments I felt a deep, intense, unexplainable emptiness/ longing. I guess it was noticeable because they asked if I was okay but there was no reason for me not to be okay so I said yea, and really I had nothing else to say, no explanation. I was kinda confused by this feeling or lack of feeling or whatever it was and went to bed without really knowing what it was. But during the week I started to understand, it was the feeling or deep awareness of emptiness and need. Its a deep deep ache and aloneness. An emptiness I know can only be filled by God. But not just my idea of God, not just my understanding of how to interact with him or who he has been in my life, I mean I need Him, all of Him.
After seeing this a little clearer, I can think of a lot of times in my life where this feeling has washed over me, sometimes just for a moment and other times it lingers around until its filled. Right now it comes strongly like that every now and then and the rest of the time I can see it in what I described before, just that like inability to even have answers for "how are you?" or "how was your week" I don't know, I just was, it just is. So I think its this:


"Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with Me."
Revelation 3:20


"I sleep, but my heart is awake; It is the voice of my beloved! He knocks saying, 'Open for me, my sister, my love, My dove, my perfect one...My beloved put his hand by the latch of the door and my heart yearned for him."
Song of Solomon 5:2 and 4

You won't relent until you have it all, my heart it yours. 


I think it's Jesus, knocking on another door of my heart. I don't know if there is a lot of doors in hearts, psalm 24 and john 10 make me think there are at least gates and stuff. But either way I know there are things Ive given to him and things I might still be hiding from him, or things I don't even know about yet. By "things" I mean all kinds of things... the gifts he has given me, dreams I have, ideas, fears, hurts, weaknesses, strengths. I think our hearts hold the very essence of who we are, the center of our being, the "things" there are only quite what they are in my heart, they are unique to me and tell the story of who God created me to be and all the the course of my life giving or taking from that. I think each time I sense this huge gaping emptiness it is his knock on a closed door in my heart, him asking for a "thing" im trying to hold onto or hide or run away from. Although its a painful awareness of my pitiful attempt to rule my own heart, I love the Song of Solomon picture, because its not an angry father pounding on the door, forcing me to change something I have no power over, its the voice of the one who loves me just as I am and wants all of me, asking me to let him in to do the fixing and healing and transforming.

But just who is this who knocks on the door of my heart? Who is it who asks for all of me? Who is it who wants to be one with me? Who has given his all for me?
My heart yearns for him. My heart yearns. It craves, it needs, it cries out.
My soul thirsts and my flesh longs for you, the living God.
If there is an undeniable craving in my heart, in every persons heart, then it points to an undeniable One to fill it.
But the question remains, who is this One? Because I am not filled by my idea of who he is. Im not filled by my ideas of how to please and serve him, Im still hungry.
This is where I mean there is SO much more.

Because God is not just a a thought or a figure or a face even. He has a character, he has other parts; three in one, He is the King of a kingdom. My heart doesn't just crave a prayer I said one time when I was little so that I wouldn't go to hell, my soul doesn't just long for a good conversation here and there, I will only be satisfied in abundant life, the one he gave everything to give me.
I will be satisfied when I awake as a lover of You.
The One knocking on my door wants to move in. Not just stay for tea. And he wants to bring all of himself with him. That means everything he stands for, community, peacemaking, healing, saving, creating, serving, beauty, family, wholeness, justice, mercy, patience, passion, LIFE. Which is great because that is EVERYTHING my whole being craves. But he wants to bring it all into everywhere. He wants to open every locked door, find every hidden treasure, sweep the whole place clean and make his home in my heart.

All the heavens cannot hold you Lord, 
How much less to dwell in me?
I can only make my one desire, 
holding onto thee



"Every commandment which I command you today you must be careful to observe, that you may live and multiply, and go in and possess the land of which the LORD swore to your fathers. And you shall remember that the Lord your God led you all the way these forty years in the wilderness, to humble you and test you, to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep His commandments or not. So he humbled you, allowed you to hunger, and fed you with manna which you did not know nor did your fathers know, that He might make you know that man does not live by bread alone; but man lives by every word that proceeds from the mouth of the LORD."
Deuteronomy 8:3

I always think of the "promised land" as that abundant life Jesus promises in John 10. Right now I would describe it with the phrase "all I want is just to know your heart, would you keep me here until were one." The land I think of is one where all of me is truly all His and all of Him is truly all mine. Meanwhile, He reminds me to remember that He is the one who leads me through the "wilderness", to see what is in my heart. I feel like Im not going far and it might not be as exciting as my hopes and dreams right now; while i seem to be standing still, he is very much alive and active exploring my heart, searching it through to see if there is any anxious way in me, to lead me in the way everlasting. He is testing and trying to see if I will love him deeply, with my whole heart, soul, mind and strength, to see if I will obey and follow. So he humbles me, he allows me this empty, strong hunger and then he feeds me. With what? Manna. Which means literally, "what is this?" haha! That is EXACTLY  how I feel! What is this God?? what are we doing here? what are you teaching me? I hear and I see it, I go out and collect it each day but what in the world is it??  And all for what purpose?
that I might know that I don't live on bread, on what satisfies me here and now, with my ideas of ministry and activity and productivity and life; alone, but on EVERY WORD THAT PROCEEDS FROM THE MOUTH OF GOD.
My flesh is failing me, my trying to get it, figure it out, nail it down, make something of myself, save my life, its a losing battle.
All flesh is as grass, and all the glory of man as the flower of grass, The grass withers and its flowers fall away, But the word of the Lord endures forever.

The word God spoke that I keep going back to when I see this^....
 Jeremiah 24:24
"Then I will give them a heart to know Me, that I am the Lord; and they shall be my people and I will be their God, for they shall return to me with their whole heart."


Jesus,
I know you won't take it from me, I know you won't force me, you won't break down the door, but you will stand and knock and keep knocking, and all I ask is that you bring me to the place where I can give my life to you, where I can open this door and the next door and invite you in, and we can dine together, forever, and you can fill me up and Ill pour you out and we'll do it as one, You in me and I in You.

Whoever tries to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it.

We always seem to be looking for God, trying to find him somewhere. He is so close, why don't we stop and listen to his patient knocking at the door of our hearts. Why don't we acknowledge the hunger and the emptiness instead of trying to push it aside, ignore it, or try to fill it with what does not satisfy. Why don't we take it to him.

Ho! Everyone who thirst,
Come to the waters;
And you who have no money, 
Come, buy, and eat.
Yes, come, buy wine and milk without money and without price.
Why do you spend money for what is not bread, and your wages for what does not satisfy?
Listen carefully to Me, and eat what is good,
And let your soul delight itself in abundance. 
Incline your ear, and come to Me.
Hear, and your soul SHALL live
And I will make an everlasting covenant with you-
The sure mercies of David. 
Isaiah 55

Know your hand

I wish I remembered the name of the guy who made this print. I bought it the other week at Tellus 360, a very cool little (actually pretty big, it just keeps going and going) shop on King st owned by an Irish guy. It has all kinds of fun stuff, big and little, and there's a gallery in the back. They were hosting a show where Leticia Kreider and Joy Ike were playing (both awesome artists you should probably check out) and Joe and I got there early so we were looking around and I saw this hand on the wall. Okay I always want to buy something when I see the art hanging up in galleries and stuff but its like, yea not going to happen, very expensive. But this was only 15 dollars! I can do that! I got a little excited because it at first reminded me of the hand I described in my last post, the one we made at Passion to represent asking God for freedom for slaves. So I went and asked the lady and she said that the artist was actually here so I could pay him and everything. So I went down to the counter and told him I wanted to buy his hand and he was al friendly and we talked a little bit, I explained why I liked it and thanked him for making it affordable. Then he told me what he had in mind when he made it (awesome!)... 
He said something like, "Its called know your hand because I was thinking, sometimes  we get so wrapped up in life and where were going and what we want to do and we don't take time to look at what is in front of us all the time. Like if you saw two hands in front of each other would you really know which one is yours? but its been there all your life! I just think sometimes we need to stop and see what we have and can use right now, today, with what's in front of us." 
I could have cried haha. I guess its so simple and stuff but just like SO what I needed to hear, and have been hearing but forgetting as soon as I hear it you, know what I mean? Like yea, I know, be here, be now, use what you have, stop trying to get somewhere else. I hear it and then instantly forget it and remain in my discontentment and desire to be where I was or will be one day. But this was such a gift, It was like God saying, in a language I can SO understand, hey Rach, really I mean it, be here, 
look at what you have and use it, for real...


There are some people who I really respect and look up to because of the life they are living for the Lord. I keep them in my personal faith hall of fame and remember them as the ones who love God and are loving others in a huge practical way, and they are giving their lives to do it. I long to be there, in some place of impact, fully alive in serving in the place and way God created me to do. But lately I've been seeing that in all these people, its not the great thing that they are doing (like moving to China to work with unreached muslim people, or moving to uganda to care for orphans, or adopting a kid, or just entering the freedom for slaves movement, or teaching a ton of people...etc) that makes them so great, its just that they are living every bit of their lives here and now for the glory of God and that has led them into these great places. Recently I was talking to one of these heroes of mine about doing less "significant" things or just less things in general but doing what you do with your whole heart. God revealed this to me in that conversation...
Its really hard to do fewer or "smaller" things; I think because when there's a lot to work on it gives a false feeling of accomplishment or progress or something. Kind of like doing push ups really fast so you get a lot in but your muscles don't have to work as hard. So then when we cut back and all of a sudden have a lot of time for a few things, we are responsible to use it to do those things thoroughly and really commit them to him. Which takes a lot of self discipline and his grace and strength. But I see that God knows best, and he knows that even though its harder, if we invest all that freed up time and energy into really seeking him and pleasing him in those small things we will get to experience his joy in it and get to relate with him in it. Which will renew and refresh us for the "greater" and more works ahead. I like the sound of this now  I was just reading somewhere "spiritual power is the outflow of communion with God." and where better to find out which are the specific things he thinks are significant than in communion with him, which takes time. Like 3-4 hours of the day not being allowed to do anything but pray, those were hard days! it was not particularly comfortable or fun during those two weeks for me haha but I'm soo thankful for it! and I'm still reaping the benefits of that time and i wasn't even the one we were praying for! I sometimes so badly just want to go back to having a full day of laid out productivity for me like at the base or I want so badly to just skip to the future and be in the fullness of where I will be someday fulfilling a purpose. but to stop and really live these days out fully for him and with him, I think that is the narrow way that few find. 



Along those lines...

So WOW Ive been reading this book! I absolutely love it!! Its about this girl who just goes to Uganda and stays there and adopts kids and just does everything she can to help everyone she meets, one child at a time. And she's only 19! I mean Im reading it and thinking, I was in Uganda the same exact time she was when she first went. Normally it feels like these people who do these amazing things are so far from my life and I think we try to remind ourselves they are just humans too, but normally end up feeling pretty different and like what they do is a little unattainable. But this girl seems so close to me! And so similar to people in my life. Like it may as well be Ashley who went over and taught for a semester in Uganda, and had a boda driver and talked about her trip to school everyday and stuff.

So here is just another girl who didn't graduate high school that long ago, who didn't go to training or go to college or have any idea what she was getting herself into, she just was moved by God's heart towards the people she met and fell in love with them.

But yea, its not even this big crazy move to Uganda and adopt children thing that gets me..its her heart. It is just so surrendered to God. Everyday she just chooses to get up and die to the comforts she could have, the "secure" american future she left behind, the boyfriend she left behind, the clean water and lifestyle and food she could have...and God gives her life, life, His life! She experiences so much joy with these kids, she is filled with Gods heart and that is so much greater than anything she left behind. 

Im tempted to feel that same way while reading, "Man I am doing nothing I need to get up and go somewhere, change the world, etc etc"  but instead God keeps showing me, its not just what she is doing that I love and am so pleased with and honor. Its her heart, its that simple "to live is Christ and to die is gain" attitude you feel when you read about her. And as you walk in that right here, right now, with what you have in front of you, I will lead you into my life and the works I have prepared in advance for you to do. 
And so, like God gave me to share with our small group on Sunday, and like Matt shared again with me the other night (it seems I need to hear things multiple times these days) and like I know God is speaking to me. I leave you with:

"And WHATEVER you do in word or in deed, do ALL in the name of Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him...And WHATEVER you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance; for you serve the Lord Christ." Colossians 3

I say to you, "Arise"

Passion. (noun) 
1. The impression or effect of an external agent upon a body; that which is suffered or received.
A body at rest affords us no idea of any active power to move, and when set in motion, it is rather a passion than an action in it
2. Suffering, empathetically
3. Violent agitation or excitement of mind

My friend Beckie mentioned this opportunity to go to the Passion Conference a few months ago and it was  kinda one of those things that I thought, why not? A bunch of 18-25 year olds who love Jesus and want to be filled with his life and on fire for his purposes all in one place, away from the routine I've found myself in lately and a chance to spend time with my cousin...sounds like an opportunity for God to speak that I don't want to miss. I had a couple hesitations, like I've been to a LOT of conferences and sometimes it feels like okay just another chance to get all excited just to get home and have things kinda flatten out again. But I decided that that's silly and that God can speak anywhere, not just especially at a conference but even at a conference with lots of people, and that's what I want: to hear him.
So my hope going into this little adventure was not some crazy high but just that the Holy Spirit would deposit something in my spirit that would bring me to a place of consistent everyday dependence on and communion with Jesus. Something to bring the everyday this, that, and the next thing to LIFE.

So Kari and I headed to Atlanta, Georgia, prepared to kinda figure out transportation and all those little details as we went along. God provided a place to stay that we didn't have to pay for, through the willingness of a lady who lived half an hour away from the dome and offered to pick us up late every night and send us off in the morning with breakfast and snacks. He also blessed me with getting to see my friend from DTS who I hadn't seen in 2 years, Will! All the little details went smoothly, we were very well taken care of and probably got the best sleep out of any of the 45,000 people who were there (yea, 45,000).

Ive started to realize something about myself. As much as I love to travel and love to get out there into a new environment and things like that..I also don't really like it haha. I mean its not comfortable for me, I get excited about the idea and everything but then when I'm in a room with SO many people or in a country far away with not so many people who understand me, or in a school that teaches me new things, something really intense rises up in me. Sometimes when the Holy Spirit speaks it feels great, but other times he rocks the boat, and upsets the fruit basket (idk haha) and this girl freaks out a little bit inside.
Im not going to be able to explain this all the way through because I don't totally know what it is yet or what it means but ill try to get more specific at least.
The conference was about freedom. freedom and slavery, life and death. These words, these ideas, realities, are very black and white. There is no mostly free or kind of  dead. There isn't a lot of room for "well I feel like" or "i think maybe" or "i just don't really know." Which is where I've moved in and settled down; in that gray place of maybe, kind of, mostly, and sometimes. little example:  like in personality tests and stuff like that where you have to pick; always, never or sometimes, I ALWAYS want to pick sometimes haha. I have to force myself to think differently and go to one extreme. Often in my walk with God when he wants to put his finger on something  that is not aligned with him, its one of these gray areas, this apathy, this unsureness, this insecurity, this unbelief. And that's when everything in me rises up to defend because I know that is going to hurt, that is going to be scary, that is going to cost me my comfort. (Someday I will learn what I always see after the surgery is complete: Oh it's just because he loves me! and its gonna be so much better without this!)
What he brought up at this conference again was actually that the unsureness, insecurity, etc is obviously not life, obviously not freedom, so it actually IS death and it IS slavery.
It may be comfortable and seem safe to live there but in the end its death and it is slavery to fear and pride and selfishness.
Jesus didn't stop a funeral procession in Luke 7 to half raise someone from the dead.
Then He came and touched the open coffin, and those who carried him stood still. And He said, "Young man, I say to you, arise." So he who was dead sat up and began to speak. And He presented him to his mother."
He didn't say "arise" for a few minutes and then just kidding, "carry on with the dieing you were doing."  I mean thats just stupid.  Jesus raises the dead. He is the way, the truth, and the LIFE. God himself, through Louie Giglio, challenged me the first night to admit that I was on a kind of stretcher, and the devil was taking me outside the kingdom; stealing, killing, and destroying all that God had given me as long as I let him convince me that my weakness and inability are greater than Gods power and love. It sounds kind of intense and I always try to shy away from that but really that's reality, "the gospel is about who you are trusting for your life right now" As long as I have more faith in my weakness than in his strength, I'm going in the wrong direction.

There was this place set aside in some areas of the conference center called "kneel". Kari and I went there during one of the breaks to just spend some time with just God. I started reading Galatians 5:

"Stand fast therefore in the liberty by which Christ has made us free, and do not be entangled again with a yoke of bondage...You have become estranged from Christ, you who attempt to be justified by law; you have fallen from grace. For we through the Spirit eagerly wait for the hope of righteousness by faith...You ran well. Who hindered you from obeying the truth? This persuasion does not come from Him who calls you...For you, brethren, have been called to liberty; only do not use your liberty as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another."


And then prayed..
Jesus, I know who hindered me- who hinders me. I ran well, I was standing and then got entangled again in the yoke of fear. I know this word, and I've carried it around for the past year like a heavy burden, like a mean master. You warned me about it and here I am, enslaved to it. Im scared of you sometimes, of your punishment, I'm scared of what you put inside me, what you ask of me and want for me. Im scared of never being good enough, never belonging, never changing. Its uncomfortable to be in a place where its assumed that I'm free, that I'm clean when I'm not. Like HK/ China, hearing that message over and over again. In the tension of you and me, your holiness and my dirtiness. Your freedom and my slavery. You wash me and I go right back to the slave mentality. Like today, you washed me in your word, but like Beth said- if only I could be clean and never forget that I am clean. If only I could arise and never lay back down, believe and never fear again. Follow and never turn back.
I don't think you call me to an up and down life like this. That persuasion does not come from you, who called my name. You are not yes and no, you are yes and amen in Christ Jesus. You aren't sometimes and maybe, you are I am.

"But as God is faithful, our word to you was not Yes AND No. 
For the Son of God, Jesus Christ, who was preached among you by us was not Yes and No, but in Him was Yes.
For all the promises of God in Him are Yes, and in Him Amen, to the glory of God through us."
2 Corinthians 1:19-20

I looked out onto the plaza where they were constructing this hand with all kinds of prayers for people all over the world who are in present day slavery. I thought of in genesis when God had to destroy the tower of babel and disperse the people because He knew that when a generation is united in one purpose, they will succeed. They were constructing a tower to try to be as powerful as God, or at least thats how we've interpreted that story. But now I saw a generation united not in pride to be greater than God, to somehow get to him by their own means and strength; but coming in humility, a hand reaching up out of the ground pleading with God to free his people. And the awesome thing is that He isn't up there going "oh man, i don't know, maybe I can, maybe not, sometimes ill help, i might decide to come through this time, I'm just not quite sure." No, he's like YES! Thats what I want! Thats my will! freedom! Those are my kids, those are my special treasure people, and they came to the right source, they came to me :)
I think the answer lies in uniting my heart and mind to humbly reach up to my Father, in weakness to be made strong, in fear to be given faith, in bondage to be freed; dieing to my selfishness to be resurrected to His life.


So this definition of Passion? Ive been thinking that it should be coming from me somehow. Like I should feel passionate about something, enough to move me to action. But no, its a generation made up of individuals so free from the slavery to sin, to fear, to lies; who instead chose to be bondservants to a God who so impresses His heart on us that we are violently agitated by what he feels and our minds are so excited by His heart that we are compelled to act on his behalf. 

In Him was life.

Taking a bath in this:

And the Lord God formed a man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living being.

Genesis 2:7

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. 

He was in the beginning with God.

All things were made through Him, and without Him nothing was made that was made.

In Him was life, and the life was the light of men.

John 1:1-4

And this is the testimony: that God has given us eternal life, and this life is in His Son.

He who has the Son has life; he who does not have the Son of God does not have life.

These things I have written to you who believe in the name of the Son of God, that you may know that you have eternal life, and that you may continue to believe in the name of the Son of God.

1 John 5:11-13

The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.

John 10:10

If you were raised with Christ, seek those things which are above, where Christ is, sitting at the right hand of God.

Set your mind on things above, not on things on the earth.

For you died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God.

When Christ, who is your life appears, then you also will appear with Him in glory.

Colossians 3:1-4

Jesus said to him, "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the father except through me."

John 14:6

A little while longer and the world will see Me no more, but you will see Me. Because I live, you will live also."

John 14:19

Life is worth the living just because He lives

Its just a little while longer till I see you, 

its just a little while longer till we'll be together

My soul sings, my soul sings

How I love you

All I want is just to know your heart 

so won't you keep me here until were one

But now having been set free from sin, and having become slaves of God, you have your fruit to holiness, and the end, everlasting life. 

For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Romans 6:22-23

I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

Galatians 2:20

For the death that He died, He died to sin once for all; but the life He lives, He lives to God.

Likewise, you also, reckon yourselves to be dead indeed to sin, but alive to God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 6:10-11

I lay me down, Im not my own

I belong to you alone

lay me down, lay me down

Hand on my heart, this much is true:

There's NO life apart from You

lay me down, lay me down

Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom, teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord.

And WHATEVER you do in word or in deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him.

Colossians 3:16-17

King of glory oh my Jesus Christ

free me from what keeps me from your life

I can feel this heart beating inside

i don't know when I've felt more alive

Oh my God, my God

let us pass Oh lord from death to life

oh my God lead us into your life

burning like a thousand suns at night

we'll sing your name until the end of time

born all over again

bring your rain bring your wind

death will lose and we will win

I'm born all over again

Just let my heart be alive

From sometime right before Christmas....

Feeling: exhausted, drained, "all over the place" and unprepared for nothing in particular

I just finished a long day at work and its late and I know I have to get up and do the same thing early tomorrow morning but despite my tired body, my mind doesnt want to give up this rare quiet moment for some undivided thinking.

So I was just thinking about how lately I feel like these days just go by without me getting a chance to really understand them, or grasp them or something. Like it seems like I just go and go, always a little bit behind so that im thinking about the next thing or insecure about the last thing during this thing and meanwhile just doing what needs to be done but unsure if any of it is really what im meant to be doing or if its just there in front of me to do. 

But there have been other times where I have all the time in the world to think and decide and dwell and that just turns into overthinking and fear and I dont get anywhere good.

So it comes to like a sunday morning and people ask me how my week was and my mind is completely blank as to what even happened this week, what was this week even for or about? Or they ask how are you? and thats an even trickier one because i havent gotten a chance to really know myself or something.

I guess what im saying, in confusing and round about ways...is I want to really live. I dont think life is meant to pass by without me even realizing what it is, who its for, why I am. And I dont think its supposed to be spent thinking in circles to define any of that.  Whenever I'm with anyone or a whole group of people we always do this this normal thing of exchanging, "how are you"s and "im good"s  or "whats new" "nothing really"s "how was your week" "hmm, what was my week? pretty normal but good i guess"

but what does that "good" even refer to? I did what I had to do, went to work, interacted with people, woke up, went to sleep.

I think sometimes that can all be very meaningful and very real, im just saying right now in my life those questions really stump me, i honestly dont really know my answer, i wouldnt say its good or bad with any real conviction.. and to avoid sounding all intense about it I just respond "good, nothin new, etc"

I thought of this line from an old misty edwards song, "Just let my heart be alive, let me be living deep deep on the inside." I think it goes with a quote from a teacher I heard in YWAM, Landa Cope, who said something to the effect of, "Intimacy with Jesus is the only thing that makes the mundane life worth something." And then a song by sisterbrother:

Christ in me, the hope of glory

our Father sent his only son, 

to live among the weak and poor,

then glorified to reign forevermore

with all that I am and all that I have, I bring you my worship,

honest and true

and may the words of my mouth and the song of my heart,

be a reflection of who you are

What im getting at is that I think there is a place between too much time to think and not enough time to realize whats going on where we can be beautifully aware of Jesus Christ living inside us, and be deeply intimate with this man and his heart and familiar with his ways and obedient to his directions, so much so that our hearts will be burning deep on the inside with his love, joy, peace, patience, goodness and we will be very much alive as he is. and i think you would see it not just when you get to where youre going in the day, at work, at church, with this person or that person. I think you would see it in all the inbetween times, in the car, stopping to get gas, running into the grocery store, waiting in line, coming and going, I think thats when this life would be bursting out.

Im not sure exactly how to get there, because once again just aknowleging these things doesnt actually change it in my life.  

Jesus, 

my heart just dries out, working these crazy hours and then spending time with people and doing this and that, I feel burnt out just in time for this holiday. I want to be so close to you this christmas, refreshed and renewed by you. You see my coming and going, you are familiar with all my ways. i am not hidden from your sight. I am open and laid bare before you. You know the inside of me, the place that I dont really know always, the state of my heart, you know how i really am, where I go to be filled, how empty i still feel.  So God i mean just help me give it all to you.  I am talking about feeling right now. my soul. I know as soon as I wake sam up it will be all business, all getting one place to another. And i know as soon as im off im not really gonna be cheerful and excited, iim gonna want to just be alone and go do my own thing. I think its a matter of deciding to just change that or something but im not sure if i have the strength to do that. I feel like its my right to be that way but I dont actually want to be, but i do. Its like a trap and a prison, so i think its probably a lie or a stronghold. 

Baptize my mind