musings from the dirt

I'm wrestling with something right now and I want to try to work it out of me a little here, because I know it's not a struggle that is unique to me.
If there is anything that I've been learning lately it's that conflict is good; in fact, facing conflict is a crucial step towards what I want most in life, intimacy with God and Steve and others. I know it's a simple idea and I thought I already believed it, "no pain, no gain", "you have to lose your life to find it", "beauty from ashes", the quotes and verses are endless. I've never really questioned their truth before, but things are a little different right now in the landscape of my life.

Last month, Steve and I went to Chicago for a little adventure named the Storyline Conference. It was a two day conference run by our favorite author, Don Miller, and his crew of inspiring artists and dreamers, including international lawyer, storyteller, and incredible life liver, Bob Goff. We had already dabbled in Don's storyline theories and started going through a workbook of his where you're supposed to map out your life and identify where you want your story to go and what kind of character you are going to be. The life/story analogy has resonated with me for awhile, you don't have to go too far back in this blog to find many a reference to story.

 But this time, the specific idea that conflict is supposed to play a really important and especially good role in my story really hit home. As in, the idea hit a wall in my heart that I don't think i've really owned up to before. A wall, or a fundamental belief that actually conflict is not good, I don't like it, and it has never served me very well before so I will continue to avoid it at all costs thank you very much, Don.

Some conflict is unavoidable of course, I think that is the kind that I have at least sort of learned to accept. Things don't always go my way, I don't always get the job or have the right words or make the right choice and that's okay. I can see how God works those things out for our good. But I think there is another kind of conflict that you have a real say about in your life. The kind that has to do with relationships and working at them, overcoming differences, giving up rights and wants, confessing, forgiving, humbling yourself, risking discomfort and misunderstanding in hopes to make a real connection. I think that stepping out in those things is especially terrifying and, to be honest, sometimes it feels like it's not worth the risk. You can kind of get along okay with unspoken hurts, long silences, and other kinds of brokenness under the surface of relationships. Experience has had me thinking that when you try to pick at the scabs, or look under the bandaids you will only make things worse.
I'm not going to go into where this belief comes from right now, the important part is to acknowledge that it's there and that fearfully avoiding is exactly how i've been handling it. I like things to be as they are supposed to be, beautiful and true and good. I hate the gap and the way it makes me feel when I know things are not that way and that I may need to face some dirt and hard stuff in order to help the story along to it's intended place of real peace. But that is always what God is in the business of doing; turning, renewing, restoring, redoing. And when you stop being willing to engage in that sometimes painful process, when you freeze in fear of the conflict, your story doesn't move. But in His merciful ways, eventually the stalemate becomes worse to face then the prospect of the mess that could be caused in moving forward, so you are forced to at least turn your attention to what's going on. And that's where I am finding myself right now, caught in His mercy, starting to unlearn the lie, being slowly persuaded into the truth of the matter. And one way He has been showing me this is in the garden, because it's a place that I love and understand, and He knows that.

The zinnia bed before...

The opportunity to work for Trisha's Flowers came to me through my good friend Lindy Paurus, when her family was moving back to Minnesota last spring. She had been helping Trish with her blog and with wedding flowers and the gardens and needed a replacement and thought of me. It's funny, I have always always loved flowers but I don't think I ever really thought I could actually work in the flower world. Now it kinda feels like the only thing I really want to do.

Trish has been waiting for years to move all her gardens and work space across the street where they have a bigger barn and more land and this year she's finally making it happen. It has been super exciting to think about a new work area and all the potential beauty and growth in her business and gardens. But it has also been a ton of work. Most Wednesday afternoons I leave the gardens filthy, covered in dirt, smeared with sweat, aching all over,
and I love it. I think that when most people think of flowers, including myself, we think of the delicate petals and the pretty arrangements in fancy vases. Flowers are clean and colorful and purely for our enjoyment and delight. Even gardening has it's own neat little images associated with it, printed gloves, small handheld shovels and watering cans. Flower farming, I'm learning, is another story all together. There is a lot of dirt and bugs and heavy lifting behind those beautiful blooms and I'm positive I only know a fraction of it. But it is so inspiring and energizing to tend those little living plants and see them grow from seed or bulb to bush or stalk and finally to unfold into bloom and flourish for their season. So I wanted to share some of my musings from the dirt...

The zinnia bed in process...

I'm actually beginning to think that behind every beautiful thing is a hard, dirty, messy process. I think beauty, when we see it, seems to encapsulate effortlessness. A truly beautiful face looks like she didn't even have to try. A beautiful story or movie seems like it must have just fallen into place for the writer and fit each actor perfectly. I think a beautiful family or marriage seems like they were just born open and honest and trusting and confident and loving, like they don't even have to try. I am easily fooled into thinking that the mess inside or around me excludes me from the beauty I long to emulate. I get frustrated when something doesn't seem to come naturally to me like it must for the ones who have already attained it. But the dirt is teaching me a different narrative. Because the flowers actually just do not exist outside the digging and the weeding and watering (maneuvering an awkward hose and carrying heavy buckets, not cute watering cans). And from what I'm hearing from writers writing about writing, its not an easy process either. As for those beautiful families and marriages, there's no telling what kind of tearing down and building up has gone into them, but I do know that intimacy is at the heart of them.

IN'TIMATE, a. [Latin intimus, within]
1. Inmost, inward, internal
2. Near, close
3. close in friendship or acquaintance, familiar
noun
A familiar friend or associate; one with whom the thoughts of another are entrusted without reserve.
verb
To share together.

"The experience of drawing closer: the barriers of thought and feeling between the two are disappearing, becoming closely united in mind and heart."
(A.W. Tozer)

I used to think of intimacy as a grossly exaggerated word that my parents would use to describe where I wasn't allowed to let my high school relationships go. But i've done some looking into it since then and decided it's actually a really beautiful adjective, noun, verb that i'm not willing to live without. I't's about being willing to really share yourself, the really good and the really bad, and to listen and truly learn to understand and care for another person's heart. I need this kind of connection with God, with Steve, and to some extent, with others. And i'm pretty sure it's as impossible to come by without conflict as beautiful bouquets are without the dirt. I see that now, even though I still don't really like it. Mostly because I don't think i'm very good at handling conflict, the relationship kind anyway, and I don't love doing things i'm not good at. But I know someone who is super experienced. Someone who took on intimacy with the whole world as His quest, and faced a lot of misunderstanding, injustice, and conflict of every kind to see it through. He came to his own, and his own people did not receive him. But to all who did receive him, who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God. So i'll be following his lead now, because I want to experience the kinds of relationships he gave his life to make a way for, and because I want to grow something really beautiful.