the days that love began to grow

Friends who read my blog! I haven't written in so long! And so much has happened! Where will I ever start?? I always get myself into this conundrum, when life is really happening, i mean crazy changes and important milestones, I always stop writing, it's like all of a sudden I'm too busy living and forget to take the time to put it down.

But Steve got an iPad for Christmas and soon it will become mine too, by way of us becoming one and all, and in the mean time he's letting me borrow it for a few days (so kind) and it's fun to type on cause it makes little clicking noises and I enjoy things like that.. so I'm finally writing :)

I could write you my version of our engagement story..but Steve did a pretty thorough job with his,

which can be read here.

He also wrote some pretty cool stuff about what it looks like to love each other right now, also worth reading. 

I could write to you about everything I learned this past year and all that I want to learn this coming year. But that makes me tired just thinking about it.

I'll probably just let you in on my heart a little, like always...

Here's the thing. People say that you will "just know".

You'll know when the time is right,

You'll know that this is the guy you're supposed to marry,

You'll know when this is the perfect dress,

these are the perfect colors, and flowers,

Everything will be just so, because you'll just know.

I said this, or if I didn't say it I definitely believed it. And actually I believe that some people do have that. Maybe we could have waited till I had some "just knowing" happen, maybe it eventually would have happened.

But I've decided that perhaps i was pointing my need to know that I know that I know in the slightly wrong direction. I wonder how many people "just knew" and are divorced now, or how many people had no knowing at all and are happily and beautifully married now.

In all of this, something tells me that we're trying or waiting to just know about all the wrong things. Or at least about the wrong things first.

I was looking back through my current sunshine colored journal, the one I got engaged in, and I haven't written much about being engaged. Or even about myself, or about Steve or about wedding planning or marriage dreaming. 

What I have written about is love. The steadfast, unfailing love and mercy of God, made known through Jesus Christ. 

Listen diligently to me, and eat what is good

and delight yourselves in rich food.

Incline your ear, and come to me,

hear, that your soul may live;

and I will make with you an everlasting covenant,

my steadfast, sure love for David.

(Isaiah 55)

Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me,

bless His holy name!

Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all His benefits,

who forgives all your iniquity, 

who heals all your diseases,

who redeems your life from the pit,

who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy,

who satisfies you with good so that your youth is renewed like the eagles.

The Lord works righteousness and justice for all who are oppressed.

He made known his ways to Moses, his acts to the people of Israel.

The Lord is merciful and gracious,

slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.

He will not always chide, nor will he keep his anger forever,

He does not deal with us according to our sins,

nor repay us according to our iniquities, (sooo good!)

For as high as the heavens are above the earth,

so great is his steadfast love towards those who fear Him; 

as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us. 

As a father shows compassion to his children, 

so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him.

For he knows our frame, he remembers that we are dust.

As for man, his days are like grass, he flourishes like a flower of the field, 

for the wind passes over it and it is gone, and its place knows it no more.

But the steadfast love of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear him,

and his righteousness to children's children,

to those who keep his covenant and remember to do his commandments. 

The Lord has established his throne in the heavens, and his kingdom rules over all.

(psalm 103)

WHOEVER IS WISE, LET HIM ATTEND TO THESE THINGS, LET THEM CONSIDER THE STEADFAST LOVE OF THE LORD.

(psalm 107)

Father, 

what is this steadfast love that I read about? 

that Steve wrote about?

That Britt has tattooed on her chest?

This everlasting covenant, steadfast, sure love

This love that endures forever?

This love that delivers, that heals and saves and satisfies my soul?

This love that frees and shatters chains and the doors locked tight?

This love that makes my heart sing?

that makes me come alive, that makes my heart burn?

My heart yearns for it.

Yearns for you, Jesus. I know its you.

What does love look like?

Its you, hanging on a tree. beautiful one, giving your life for me.

Creator God, humbling yourself, coming to your own only to be rejected, misunderstood,

cast aside, not chosen time and time again

all the while relentlessly loving. Your heart strong, set on deliverance, on our salvation.

At just the right time, while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

November 22nd. ( i think, were so bad at keeping track of our important dates haha) 

Were just on a date, it wasn't going to be a surprise except that I asked him if it should be (thats what I thought anyway). But were going to Peddlers Village and thats suspicious, but he won't ask me because it wasn't going to be a surprise. and he's not nervous. It feels just like last year except we get to hold hands. I like holding hands, this is good, this is fun...

And then HE DID!! He asked me on the bench out of the rain, with that song and I said YES! and just like that were engaged. And we take our picture and we tell his parents and we call my parents and its so for real, were going to get married! And on my hand there's this super beautiful "dainty" "delicate" really sparkly perfect ring (that one I did know was the perfect one). 

Then later I'm alone, and I'm trying to sleep, on the air mattress in Steve's old room at his parents house. And man I cannot sleep. Im literally terrified. I don't know, maybe everyone experiences that and they just don't tell it? Or maybe its just me but its part of my story. I was scared, super scared. And what was rolling through my head? "But I don't know if I know that I know! Aren't I supposed to "just know"? God, is this right?? what if it isn't?"  

But the other thing in my head, the voice that calmed my fears and let me fall asleep was Laura Hacketts song that I just couldn't lose, no matter how loud the fear was this was louder,

Im living in the light of your smile, Father, your smile

Im taking in the newness of life, 

the abundance of your life

cause theres so much life for me, 

it abounds transcends what I can see

theres living hope for me

no circumstance could ever change the fact that I'm

living in the light of your smile, Father, your smile. 

His unfailing love, calming all my fears. And he hasn't let up, not for a moment. 

Through this whole process, through planning and just little decisions we've made about when and where and things like that that I keep wanting to know, I just want to feel that knowing and I keep asking for it but he just doesn't do it. Instead I keep hearing,

my love is amazing

its unfailing

its everlasting

its a covenant

its steadfast

it covers a multitude of sin

it looks like mercy every morning, every moment, at every turn

its not dependent on you or any choice that you make

its weaved through you're whole story

its who I am

love

hesed

its the smile in my heart when I look at you or think about you

its the song in my heart that I sing over you

its my delight in you

i love you

you need to hear it, you need to know it and feel it

It will sustain you

It will satisfy your soul

I will satisfy your soul

Because just knowing that Steve is the right guy, or that now is the right time or that this is the right dress is fine and good and honestly i want that knowing, badly. I mean to be so sure of it without a shadow of a doubt ever. But truthfully, it doesn't really help me. Because Steve and I will still face things that we can't handle on our own. Now or later there will be challenges that we can't figure out or overcome just cause we know that were "right for each other" or compatible or even in love. 

The only way we will make it through is by being convinced and persuaded about the love that God has for us. 

I remember having a conversation awhile ago, on my AFI retreat. I was talking to someone about what it was like when they knew who they were going to marry. And she was saying that God knows what you need in order to know. And I agreed. and thought to myself, "God knows I need to feel that I know that He think this is the right person and time." So that is how it will be, phew. 

But ahh the thing is He knows what we need so much more than we do!! And I thought I needed that knowing, but really I needed this knowing! I needed to know that no matter what I decide about anything ever, HE LOVES ME. The more I know it and believe it, the less I even ask, "is this right?" because I know that he's here with us now, and that changes everything. 

Consider this:

Gods love lasts forever and never changes for a moment. 

The implications are huge. 

           Do your eyes see me now? are you smiling, are you proud? 

 I believe you are, and this changes everything

Jesus Your love is so amazing;
 And this joy, I can't explain it

 I'm caught up in the fellowship

cause you're the one, there you go again,
 lifting my heart, lifting my head,
and hope is rising as I see you smiling!

           The love inside of you is so pure, its so right

   it fills all heaven with its light
 and it shines on us now

So I'm feeling a little vulnerable at the moment, and want to just say that this has mainly been a journey for me because of fear that is in me not just about getting married, but in any important decision I make. It's like, I just have to know that God is pleased, that he is for me and that I'm doing the right thing. I think thats why he's teaching me this way; by telling me he loves me, he is telling me that this is right and good and at the same time telling me that his love isn't contingent on me just doing the right thing. Make no mistake, I'm pumped to get married, and really really want to marry Steve, and I actually get to marry him! And there is a LOT I could say about that, and maybe will next time, I just felt like maybe some other people struggle with this kind of fear and maybe it would be helpful to share it. But I don't want it to sound like I'm not excited about marrying Steve, cause I am :)