When its all been said

When its all been said
and its all been done
when the day has run its course and
come close to its end.
Then I wait here in the silence, the stillness 
my heart aches O God
I don't want to be stuck wishing for what was
But when I look forward I see air and space
and more time to pass, face after face.
Behind a closed door, in a quiet moment
before I lay me down to sleep
its just me. and where's you?
it seems I'm just bruised
I don't want to do it all over again, I feel spent
truth is I'm broken.
I treasure these moments alone
but I don't feel like I can live here
But I don't want to consciously always share and 
express and
explain
I just want to live deeply together
I want someone to see my tears, know my fears, cherish my thoughts and love me this way
Just naturally, not all practically and
matter a fact-ively
real. true. whole. raw. life. one.
one thing you never called me to is fake make believe
but to be known, to be loved, to be one.
normally, naturally, willingly
intimacy.
I don't know what to ask or how to run
please just don't let me go with my song still unsung
Not just because of what I've done
or am doing
what I've said or am saying
but just for me, because you.
in spirit and in truth.

You said it, I believe it: Hunger is an ascent

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For you ARE with me;
Your rod and your staff,  they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil;
My cup runs over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord
Forever.


Such an amazing picture. I don't know what it all means. But i can picture a very literal vision of what this looks like. Me (in sheep form, also not hard to picture haha) walking on a narrow path in-between two mountains that loom high on either side of me, blocking most of the light, and blocking the view of anything on either side. I look back and theres just the winding path, I'm far from the entrance, no way I can turn back; I look forward and there is only winding path, I'm far from the exit, the open. The walls on both sides of me are crafted from all my most difficult situations. All the tricky places, hard relationships, unfulfilled promises, hurt and disappointments; and all my tendencies towards laziness, passivity, over thinking. Its hard to see anything but my weakness and hard to hold onto the hope of anything beyond these mountains, anything further down the path. They cast a heavy shadow, they seems to block the way, the truth, and the life, that life containing the light of men (john 1:4). The little sheep followed her shepherd into this valley but can't always tell where his voice is coming from up ahead as it bounces off the steep walls. She begins to wonder if he really did lead her here of if she lost him months ago and has been wandering on her own ever since. She knows her shepherd, He is good; would he really lead her to a place like this? She must have taken a wrong turn without him, he must be looking for her somewhere out there in the wide place, wondering where she wandered off to. But every now and then, when she needs it most, she feels the reassuring pressure of his staff against her side, directing her forward, urging her to get up when she has stopped in confusion and anxiety. There is no other explanation for the quiet but firm nudging, and it fills her with faith again as she moves on through the dark towards the voice she can't deny.
"Im not alone" I hear my own voice say out loud in the empty car as I drive to crossover, around that curve I've driven almost everyday for the past 20 years. I know I've heard that before, and I know its true. Even though I walk through the valley, of the shadow of death, You are with me. and I will fear no evil. I will fear no loneliness, no failing, no rejection, no confusion, no deception. Your rod and your staff they comfort me. They remind me it really is you, you're here and you're correcting  and "chastening" me like any good father does. You're putting up with me, you're dealing with my unbelief and hesitation to trust. You are so good, so true, and so beautiful but you'll still put up with me.
But what is this? You prepare a table before me, in the presence of my enemies.
I know you can give me little bits of help and a minute of your time, a whisper of your voice every now and then, but prepare a table for me? Invite me to dinner? Offer me your hospitality in your own home? Invite me to be a part of your life, where you are, with you, your heart? ...in the presence of my enemies??
Im not a sheep anymore but just me, everyday Rachel Hope Landis who wakes up just in the nick of time and barely makes it to work on time, hardly awake, half asleep through my morning at work or church or around the house, stopping to bite my nails and stare into space every now and then. Constantly replaying all kinds of worthless and extremely valuable thoughts in my hearts mind but unable to always tell the difference. Giving of my time but never knowing exactly to whom I am giving it or if I'm actually hoarding it for my own gain and image. Filled with destiny and purpose but sometimes frozen in place, paralyzed by fear or indecision or who knows what else. Sometimes trusting, most times hoping, always empty, ever being filled. Doing what I think is right, stepping out and starting things, speaking words, decorating, planning, cooking, making, waiting, trying, writting.
Regardless, he prepares this table before me, he lays it full of his goodness, his faithfulness, his peace, joy, patience, kindness, mercy, truth, GRACE; and he invites me to take part in it. Even when my enemies, the pride, the fear, the selfishness, the trying to control everything spirit, the unbelief, even though they crowd around me. He asks me to stay, in his presence, at his table. He wants to show them all who He is, Whose I am. SO I sit and he anoints my head with oil (i have no idea what this means), my cup, it overflows (with love?) They watch in disgust and shrink back. I sink lower into my chair, unable to bear the riches in front of me, unworthy. His eyes invite me to receive. He says to open wide my mouth, He will fill it. He says just my trusting him, just my believing him is enough to make me worthy. I eat and am filled.
My mind changes, my thoughts are renewed. I know, I believe, something different, I see something different. I no longer see the potential for failure, the looming mountains invite me instead for an exciting hike and I rush to conquer them. I look back and I see how far I've come! I look forward and I can't wait for where he might lead. The threats are real, the temptation thick, the hurts are deep; but I am refreshed and full  of what is good. I have a song in my heart and it sings, SURELY goodness and mercy will follow me, will be the wind at my back, will guard me from behind, every SINGLE day of my life. I will dwell in this house forever, not just today, only to feel emptier tomorrow, I will live here and eat here and be filled here. In the house of my Lord.
Would have I found this banquet table had I not been led through this valley? Would it look as appetizing if he hadn't allowed me to hunger? can I eat of this wherever I am?


What exactly is this table?

The essence: John 6
Jesus said (this is when we pay attention),
"Most assuredly, I say to you [Rachel Hope Landis], you seek Me, not because you saw the signs, but because you ate of the loaves and were filled.
Do not labor for food which perishes, but for the food which endures to everlasting life, which the Son of Man will give you, because God the Father has set His seal on Him.
And they said to Him (and so do I), "What shall we do, that we may work the works of God?"
Jesus answered (so good when he does), "This is the work of God, that you believe in Him whom He sent."
Therefore they said to Him, "What sign will you perform then, that we may see it and believe You? What work will you do? Our fathers ate manna in the desert; as it is written, 'He gave them bread from heaven to eat."
(wow how often do I ask this? Okay then Jesus, show yourself, give me something to work with, a word, a plan, something to hold and remember and know that its really you, from you. Other times in the past you did it this way, I needed your love and you used that song, I needed your face and you used that conversation, I needed a push and you used that message, so I believed. What work will you do now for me?)
Then Jesus said to them, "Most assuredly, I say to you, Moses did not give you the bread from heaven, but my Father gives you the true bread from heaven. For the bread of God is He who comes down from heaven and gives life to the world."
(yea you don't get it, that wasn't the bread from heaven, that thing I did or gave or showed or worked then was not what filled you, not what sustained you through that time, not what moved you to action. It was Me, I am the bread of God who comes down from heaven. Its such a major twist, this is when "my ways are not your ways, my thoughts are not your thoughts" is so smack in my face. I just don't think like this. The answer is a person, the meal is a person, the invitation is an invitation by Him and to Him)
Then they said to Him, "Lord give us this bread always."


And Jesus said to them, "I am the bread of life. He who comes to Me shall never hunger, and he who believes in Me shall never thirst.
But I said to you that you have seen Me and yet do not believe.
All that the Father gives will come to Me, and the one who comes to Me I will by no means cast out.
For I have come down from heaven, not to do My own will, but the will of Him who sent Me.
This is the will of the Father who sent Me, that of all He has given Me I should lose nothing, but should raise it up at the last day.
And this is the will of Him who sent me, that everyone who sees the Son and believes in Him may have everlasting life; and I will raise him up at the last day....


Most assuredly, I say to you, he who believes in ME has everlasting life.
I am the bread of life.
Your fathers ate the manna in the wilderness, and are dead.
This is the bread which comes down from heaven, that one may eat of it and not die.
I am the living bread which came down from heaven. If anyone eats of this bread, he will live forever; and the bread that I shall give is My flesh, which I shall give for the life of the world.
The Jews therefore quarreled among themselves, saying, "How can this Man give us His flesh to eat?"
(good question)
Then Jesus said to them, "Most assuredly, I say to you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink His blood, you have no life in you.
Whoever eats My flesh and drink My blood has eternal life, and I will raise him up at the last day.
For my flesh is food indeed, and My blood is drink indeed.
He who eats My flesh and drink My blood abides in Me, and I in Him.
As the living Father sent Me, and I live because of the Father, so he who feeds on Me will live because of Me.
This is the bread which came down from heaven-not as your fathers ate the manna, and are dead. He who eats this bread will live forever."
(funny how this response isn't prefaced "and Jesus answered them" because he doesn't really. They asked HOW!? which is really always my question too. How does this work? But Jesus just "says" to them the same thing, its me, I am all you need)
These things He said in the synagogue as He taught in Capernaum. Therefore many of His disciples, when they heard this, said, "This is a hard saying; who can understand it?"
(exactly what I'm thinking...but maybe its not about "understanding" it... something like "trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding)
When Jesus knew in Himself that His disciples complained about this, He said to them, "Does this offend you?
What then if you should see the Son of Man ascend where He was before?
It is the Spirit who gives life; the flesh profits nothing. The words that I speak to you are spirit, and they are life....
From that time many of His disciples went back and walked with Him no more.
(I really think God loves for us to understand, he talks about understanding as something so incredibly valuable in Proverbs, he says to cry out for it, to beg for it, that it brings righteousness and all kinds of good. But I think there are some things God calls us to that our flesh does not understand. Somethings that we just can't get a grasp on, its not comfortable to think on eating flesh and drinking blood. Its offensive to think he asks something so full of something that I can't quite reach. Something I can't explain and express and fit into a nice little box, or how bout a nice little blog. Were all about staying out of each others business, paying attention to our own stuff, carrying our own load. How can he ask to be that close? How can he be that intense? I can't just do that. I don't even know what that means! You mean for real take on you're very flesh, broken for me, your very blood, spilled out for me. 
And then they walked out. People who had been walking with Jesus, listening to him, following him, seeing everything he had done, hearing everything he had said. Breathing in his every word and move. MANY of his disciples went back and walked with him no more.) 
Then Jesus said to the twelve, "Do you also want to go away?"
But Simon Peter answered Him, "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life.
Also, we have come to believe and know that You are the Christ, the Son of the living God."
(I dont understand it really but I think Jesus is teaching this same message to me right now. I think Its basically just like, I've been walking along side him, I've been hearing and seeing cool things, I think he is pretty great, I love what he does for me and around me. I am His disciple, I answered that call, I'm following. But even many disciples, not just believers, but the ones who left everything, even many of them gave up and went BACK at this point. The truth is, I walk and I eat up what he gives and shows and teaches and does. I love his word, I love his presence. But what about Himself. What about his very flesh and blood. Its enough to just have some of what he gives when I need it when I'm walking in a wide open place. But here in the valley he knows that bread won't sustain me. He knows that I forget his faithfulness from this morning when I make it to this afternoon. He knows that the manna, the "what is this? but i know its from you so its good" will work for a time but in order to live this everlasting life here and now, He knows I need the bread of life. So he offers himself, Come to Me. and even right now I want to say "HOW?" what does it mean?? how do I do it?? But this is not a matter of how, this is a matter of submitting and receiving. of believing and then seeing. trust and obey.
 I think it is heavy, I think it is uncomfortable, many turned back. But I think it is also because they didnt have eyes to see, ears to hear, or a heart open to let the Spirit move them to obedience and then life in beliving. I think when Jesus says, come to me all you who are weary or burdened or hungry or thirsty, I will help you, fill you, give you rest. I think he meant it. I think this eating and drinking of him is like that. It is full of life and rest, it is easy. I think the opening my heart, surrenduring my mind, my need to completely understand it all that is the hard work. But honestly, truly, where else would I go? If im not willing to put this one to practice then I will settle for less. But I have come to belive that You are the Christ, the Son of the Living God.


Tell me why I should  run for cover?
At the sound of your coming thunder
All I hear is the cry of my lover
Take your shot
I won't turn back
No I won't turn back

You are my light and salvation
who shall I fear?
You are the strength of all my days
of whom shall I be afraid?
Though war may rise against me,
of this I will be sure.
Lord, it's you I desire,
its you that I seek
To live with you in your house forever,
beholding Your beauty.
And in the time of trouble,
of this I will be sure.
That I will bless the Lord forever,
Ill bless Your holy name.
Yes I will bless the Lord forever,
Ill bless Your holy name
You ask me who do I,
say that you are and I,
say that you are the Christ,
Son of the Living God