Rachel's Blogging!

Hey there :)

So I never thought id be a blogger, but it seems lately I have a build up of sticky notes on my desktop with thoughts that continue to develop as I meditate on the things God puts in my heart and mind. I'm running out of colors so I thought I should find a more suitable outlet for these little revelations. I feel like it doesn't necessarily matter if people read it, it just gets all messy and disorganized inside me if I don't get it out; and if you do happen to stop by then maybe you can hear a little whisper from my Father through what he is showing me. My goal is not to sound all nice and pensive, its not even to just have wise things to say or something. I think God has given me this gift of wisdom, I'm not sure what all it means or is but Im not satisfied with just knowing things, knowing truth, I long for it to actually effect my life and the lives of others. So if you read this and something strikes you as true, please don't just think its nice and true but please do something with it, talk to God about it, don't let it just add to what you know about him, get to know him.  Its sometimes frustrating for me to know so much when I write but I've found that knowing things doesn't actually solve my problems. I find myself knowing more and more but staying the same in my life and thoughts. Jesus says, be transformed my the renewing of your mind and I fully believe that's what it takes to change.  I want this stuff that I know in my head and can write for all of you to be the reality of my heart in my actions and what I say but I want to be honest and say, I'm really not there yet.

Im gonna give a brief history of kind of where I'm coming from...Ive always wanted to know God. Ive always wanted to please him. Ive always wanted to know his love for me and love him for real. I haven't always been the thinker I am right now, and I haven't always said that I could hear God. I think I heard him a lot growing up but I wouldn't say I really was aware of it until the summer after high school graduation.  I went to Uganda, my friends went to college, my boyfriend broke up with me, I didn't know what I was doing or who I was, and a variety of other shaky scary things were going on.  In all that weakness and all those unknowns God called me and I heard him. Somehow I ended up in YWAM Puerto Rico where he broke me even more till I could receive the love I had been longing for. There was a season while I was there that probably lasted about 3 months. It was the freest I have ever felt. It was full or grace and truth. I learned humility, I got to know God not just about him and I started to see myself as he sees me. My relationships grew deep and strong. My vision and hope for my future expanded like crazy.
 And then I came home.
The past year has been hard because my eyes have been opened, I've tasted and I've seen and I've been ruined by this God and his love for me. I can't be satisfied with anything else. I ache for it every second, closeness and intimacy with him. But its hard here and I normally don't feel him like I did, or believe him like I did. I guess its just the classic, oh back to real life where its not just all there for you-shock. But either way, after a lot of doubt, a lot of waves tossing me around, a lot of voices telling me nothing that I remember, a lot of panic and SO much fear...i have realized that there is no where else for me to go. Like Peter and the twelve after Jesus gives a hard teaching about his flesh and blood in John 6; Jesus asks, "Do you also want to go away?" and peter answers, "Lord, to whom shall we go? You hold the words of eternal life. Also we have come to believe that You are the Christ, the Son of the living God."
This is where I find myself, I can't give up, I have come to believe that He really is the Christ, the Son of the living God, despite who I am being or what I'm doing or not doing, what matters is who He is, and he is worthy of my life and the only one who can do anything with it.