Empty

Empty. Lazy. Cold

Frozen fast, stuck
Pushing my luck, sitting duck.

But ive made my choice, I just cant seem to find my voice
That sings
His voice that cuts, that’s sharp, that stings
That moves me and frees me to fly, to try
My wings
So Ive crawled back to my cages,
Rocking in the wind, floating on the waves, walking through the
motions
and it causes a commotion
in the depth of my soul, one that is restless and downcast
and thirsty and begs to break to the surface
to find what is really worth it and to relocate the purpose.
Ive searched every dark place for a break,
the wisdom to take
me from waiting to living or waiting is living
and knowing to changing and doing to being,
to breath in and out
believing..
When you look to and fro, do you see me here sinking low?
Is it your hand that pushes me down
Below the bar ive set in pride and bet
The world id make it when I try, I try, I try
to sing but im lost somewhere between rhythm or tone
or pitch-ive never known
the difference. Only an inference on where what’s
inside goes when what comes out I don’t own
Ive reaped what ive sown and not what you’ve shown,
to be faithful and truthful and
Beautiful
I remind myself its not about me, but you
Never one, always two
But still everyday I choose to hide
inside is always warmer, I don’t want to take a side-
ways approach but im bending and lending and sending
my letter without even deciding one way or the other
So how long will I wait and take this bait
Only to find out its too late-ly
Ive been hearing what my soul knows only too well,
You sell and trade what ive made you to be
Wont you agree that the answer has always been
“with me”?
Im the tune of your song and its just a little while  longer
Till where singing together, right where you belong.



I guess this is my attempt at spoken word poetry? inspired by this...
so so good. check it out!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T44LepcRUhk

HOPE

Hmm you know ive always wanted a solid definition or understanding of hope, it being my middle name and all and I think its just the act of looking at God instead of my circumstances, fears, mistakes, or failures. Hope is deciding to believe Him. 

Ive been thinking about the reality of the day I see Jesus face to face. I believe that  day will come, and if it's true than he is true and he is good and for me and loves me as much as ive heard and read and sometimes felt. 

I think on that day I will see how worthless worry is, how deceitful doubt is, how much unbelief steals everything Jesus is.

If all the worry and stuff is a lie then, then its a lie now and I think hope is what moves me to believe that, as in act differently, be-living in the real truth.

How much time have I wasted, and I mean WASTED just trying to figure out my little world of me, as if I will have things all in order someday on my own-as if my controlling it will put things at rest. 

There is a moment in my heart's mind; its found right after a question forms in my heart about anything going on and right before I turn that question into worry, fear, and unbelief, right before I take it into my own hands to figure it out or react selfishly or pridefully. That brief moment is where HOPE lingers, waiting to be chosen. I mean small little thoughts that could turn into complaints like, its so cold! why i gas so expensive? im hungry and cant find something quick to eat...what did she mean by saying that?.to bigger things like, why cant I just be normal around that person? or why do I get so annoyed in my heart with thim? or how will this thing that I want ever work out? what am I doing here, when will you show me what I should do next? What about those promises, I dont see them actually happening? The thoughts are nomal wonderings but I have the choice to continue dwelling on it and trying to figure it out or make it right for myself or give it to God or look to Jesus and believe that what he said will still happen and however he works it out will be the best way, and wait for him to show me my part..

Its the moment between when Abraham said "Look you have given me no offspring; indeed one born in my house is my heir!" and 3 verses later when "he believed in the Lord, and He accounted it to him as righteouness." The moment between when Mary said, "How can this be, since I do not know a man?" and "Behold, the maidservant or the Lord! Let it be to me acoording to your word." Its what was chosen everyday running and hiding and growing and waiting between when David was anointed king over Israel and when he sat on the throne. It's what Jesus himself chose between, "O my Father, if it is possible, let this cup pas from Me..." and, "nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will." What if he had spent the following hours doubting his identity, doubting his fathers love, questioning his whole life and what the purpose of his death was for. HE had every "right" to. Everything visible around him meant certain death, it was unfair and offensive and godless, he felt the real pain, he felt the words thrown at him, i think he even felt "Father why have you forsake me?" He accomplished a great victory on the cross, one I dnt even fully understand right now but what ameazes me today is HOW he went there, how he saw and fel everything we can imagine of the story, but in his hearts mind he chose to look at Hid Father and believe him. Only then could he say in the face of those who could cause him more pain, "I am. And you will see the Son of Man siting at the right hand of the Power, and coming with the clouds of heaven." (wow that blows my mind) Only then would he choose not to take things into his own hands and ask the angels to let him down from the cross. Only then could he believe that "it IS finished." Only in hope could he GIVE his life instead of having it taken from him...And we think he doesnt know what it feels like to be misunderstood, abused, unappreciated, forgotten.

Jesus made a way to be free of fear, of shame, of guilt, of confusion, of purposelessness; and ill stand before him one day and he will be as real as I am now real to myself, and all of that will be burned up. All that will be left is how much I trusted him, believed him, loved him, and the fruit of that. 

Thats terrifying.

But also freeing.

Oh Chosen One, HOPE in the Lord from THIS day forth and forevermore." Psalm 131:3

"Be holy for I am holy"

SO ill start with the word that I "got" about 3 months ago after feeling like I had really not been hearing from God in awhile...We've been talking about hearing Gods voice a little bit with our small group at church and it makes me think a little bit more about how it has come to be the most crucial thing in my life. Sometime after high school I started to think about everything, A LOT. Its a good thing and a bad thing, good because Im not as easily deceived or led every which way but bad because I spend a lott of time just wandering around in my head through "what ifs" and past conversations and questions about who I really am and what other people are thinking etc etc etc. SO I think ever since I became aware that God has things to say to me and that I don't have to wonder where my heart is, He can actually tell me that, and can speak to whatever I can't figure out inside me, his voice has become the only thing that can cut through all the thoughts I wade through and the only thing that can move me to action. I think every season of my life these days has a verse or an important conversation that marks it in my heart. This time its 1Peter 1. Which God "gave" me on the airplane on my way home from a little adventure visiting my best friend in New Mexico. I was sitting in my seat next to my new just-became-a-doctor-friendly-friend, and thinking about lots of things and just really needing Gods perspective. The phrase "be holy as I am holy" came into my mind and I knew from another time in my life exactly where it was so I turned to 1 peter and found....

1 Peter 1

...Grace to you and peace be multiplied. Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who according to His abundant mercy has begotten us again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance incorruptible and undefiled, and that does not fade away, reserved in heaven for you, who are kept by the power of God through faith for salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need be, you have been grieved by various trials, that the genuiness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ, who having not seen you love. Though now you do not see him, yet believing you rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory, receiving the end of your faith-the salvation of your souls....

v.13 Therefore gird up the loins of your mind, be sober, and rest your hope fully upon the grace that is to be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ; as obedient children, not conforming yourselves to the former lusts, as in your ignorance; but as He who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct, because it is written, "Be holy as I am holy."

And if you call on the Father, who without partiality judges according to each ones work, conduct yourselves throughout the time of your stay here in fear; knowing that you were not redeemed with corruptible things like silver or gold, from your aimless conduct received by tradition from your fathers, but with the precious blood of Christ, as of a lamb without blemish and without spot."

  I really almost read it out loud to my row friends. Its so hard to describe when the Holy Spirit speaks its just that feeling of "oh man this is so true, its so for me right now and theres nothing I did to deserve this clarity all of a sudden, he just decided to speak it and I can hear it and its great! no matter what hard thing he might be saying I know its real." The words I put in pink are the little phrases and stuff that I've been working over and over in my mind and what God is convincing me of in my heart since then.

Hope is the first one. It happens to be my middle name :) Ill probably put a separate post on here about that one but the important thing is that I have it! Hope is wow this little word we read and stuff but do we know what it means to have hope? and how many people don't have it and what are we doing about it? How do we hope? where do we put our hope? Maybe its something we don't notice until we feel like we don't have it, or hear someone who feels that way. But when you feel like you're failing and a little lost and then God tells you that you get to start over with a living hope in Jesus, its a beautiful thing. 

These words like incorruptible and undefiled spoke and speak right now to how I am feeling. Like God did you teach me all of that, for no reason? Just to let it rot here and go to waste. I thought we were going somewhere but it feels like I'm just drying up and dying inside and everything you did is leaving. But he says its incorruptible , it doesn't fade away, its reserved in heaven for you. Its not about this world and the circumstances I find myself in here, this is not my home or where my treasure is. And I wasn't redeemed with things that rot away, not even things that last a long time like silver or gold, I was redeemed with the very blood of Jesus, and am I really gonna let the devil tell me that that doesn't last, that it can just be taken from me? I'm "kept by the power of God" not my own will even, not my own striving and trying, but only the power of God. He told me, "rachel you have faith, everyone has faith, are you going to put that faith in your weakness, are you going to believe in your failures instead of my strength. Are you going to believe in the weak person inside you or my power that lives in your heart. Actually, last time I checked I was on the throne of your heart."

He even spoke about that fact that I don't see him, but showed me that I do infact still love him. And that the times when I don't see are when I have to believe, we walk by faith not by sight. This is a test of my faith.

Verse 13 is the verse I would answer someone with if they asked my how I am or whats up right now in my heart- I wasn't sure what "gird up the loins of your mind" meant but I knew that my thoughts were a mess. Like I could believe and hope in God sure for a second until I was worrying again or afraid again or just thinking about other things that don't matter. So I looked it up and apparently gird up your loins refers to back in the day when the warrior men would tuck their skirts into their belts to prepare for battle. So they wouldn't have anything in the way when it was time to run and fight. Be sober, be alert, be focused, set your hope in one direction. God told me (and i feel like i need to make this more present tense cause I'm not even close to having it all down yet) , rach you need to get ready to run. This isn't one of those things you can be passive about, you are under attack, and this battle takes place in your mind. You need to get all those thoughts that you think in line and all pointed in one direction..

To which I've been asking, "ok God what the heck is that direction? You said were doing a new thing, and if I would just know what it is you want me to do, where you want me to go, what you want me to focus on maybe I could start running, maybe I would be motivated to get off my butt and do something about this."

So he said: okay, be holy. holy. like He is holy. set apart to love always. completely other than. blameless. spotless. A bride fit for his Son. Pure, without mixture. true, beautiful, good.

But God thats why I'm so miserable, because i keep seeing all the ways I am not that, don't you see, don't you know what everyone says? "Im just human" "were all sinners" but he answers that..."youre just human, made in the image of God..youre all sinners, SAVED by grace. You are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, my own special people, that you may proclaim the praises of him who called you out of darkness in to His marvelous light; you were once not a people but now are the people of God, who once had not obtained mercy but now have obtained mercy. BELOVED, I beg you as sojourners and pilgrims, abstain from fleshly lusts which war against your soul"...(1pete 2)

I thought about why he didn't say "try your best" or "just make sure you do more good than bad in the end" I pictured circles, like a little dot and then a circle around it and a bigger one around that and so on, and I thought of the little dot in the middle as holy (like a dart board i guess haha)..why couldn't he make it so the next circle out was holy? or the one a little bigger than that. Why is it that its just that tiny dot in the middle thats so impossible to hit on the mark.

Im starting to think he made it that way because he loves us. He knows that everything we were designed  and created and formed (by him) for is found on that mark, we were made to be with him, to know beauty, truth and goodness, to be holy like him, for him, with him. God is light, in him is NO darkness at all. He could have said, okay fine, just shoot for the bigger circle, you can probably get it if you try hard enough. Just get to know me a little and do my will a little and you can keep the rest of your life to yourself, I know its too hard in this world to actually dwell with me, so just shoot for mostly me but with a little darkness still lingering there. Just survive, just be nice. But He is love, he wants whats best for us, and he knows what that is. He came to give life abundantly not the halfhearted, just surviving, life a lot of us shoot for and score. He knows there is a life with him, through him, for him, in Him and its exactly what he made us for.  So he said, be holy.

And we get discouraged and frustrated with him for raising the bar so high. I think like, I just don't know exactly what is right all the time, I'm still tied to so many many wrong things, I can't be like you really, but I can't ignore his word,

"Look! I know you can't do it by yourself! so set your hope fully upon the GRACE (the divine ability) that is to be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ....knowing that you weren't redeemed with the stuff of this earth that fails and doesn't last, but there is one who was foreordained before the creation of the world, its by his precious blood that you can do this, he was manifested to you and through him you believe in God, who raised him from the dead and gave him glory, so put your hope and faith in God."

This is the work that he gives us to do, believe in the one He sent! How do we do that work? because it is hard work while were here in the flesh...

"For though we walk in the flesh we do not war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments and EVERY high thing (pride) that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing EVERY thought captive to the obedience of Christ."

I have to think about what I'm thinking about. If I'm constantly angry, or putting myself down, or judging others to make myself feel better, or stressed or afraid in my thoughts then I'm being beaten by the lies of the enemy. And we don't do anything about it, in the mean time we are just trying to do whats right on the outside, trying to make ourselves serve and be helpful, and read the bible and pray or make ourselves want to do any of that..while the devil is just feeding us lies that we start to think on and think on and believe and eventually we get too tired and give in and start acting like all of those thoughts say.

Okay I think this is getting way too long, and if i sit here any longer I won't have any fingernails left haha. Im thankful that by Gods mercy that is new every morning and goes on and on He has been able to communicate this to me. And I HOPE that I will continue in his grace to live it out in my life. I hope if you happen to stumble upon this you will find some hope that there is a way out of the restlessness you may be feeling if you're anywhere close to where I was and still am working to be free from. It's not by your power or by might at all, only by his Spirit, only by the grace he freely gives to us when we come to him humbly in our time of need :) 

Set your hope fully upon the grace that will be given to you at  the revelation of Jesus Christ!

Rachel's Blogging!

Hey there :)

So I never thought id be a blogger, but it seems lately I have a build up of sticky notes on my desktop with thoughts that continue to develop as I meditate on the things God puts in my heart and mind. I'm running out of colors so I thought I should find a more suitable outlet for these little revelations. I feel like it doesn't necessarily matter if people read it, it just gets all messy and disorganized inside me if I don't get it out; and if you do happen to stop by then maybe you can hear a little whisper from my Father through what he is showing me. My goal is not to sound all nice and pensive, its not even to just have wise things to say or something. I think God has given me this gift of wisdom, I'm not sure what all it means or is but Im not satisfied with just knowing things, knowing truth, I long for it to actually effect my life and the lives of others. So if you read this and something strikes you as true, please don't just think its nice and true but please do something with it, talk to God about it, don't let it just add to what you know about him, get to know him.  Its sometimes frustrating for me to know so much when I write but I've found that knowing things doesn't actually solve my problems. I find myself knowing more and more but staying the same in my life and thoughts. Jesus says, be transformed my the renewing of your mind and I fully believe that's what it takes to change.  I want this stuff that I know in my head and can write for all of you to be the reality of my heart in my actions and what I say but I want to be honest and say, I'm really not there yet.

Im gonna give a brief history of kind of where I'm coming from...Ive always wanted to know God. Ive always wanted to please him. Ive always wanted to know his love for me and love him for real. I haven't always been the thinker I am right now, and I haven't always said that I could hear God. I think I heard him a lot growing up but I wouldn't say I really was aware of it until the summer after high school graduation.  I went to Uganda, my friends went to college, my boyfriend broke up with me, I didn't know what I was doing or who I was, and a variety of other shaky scary things were going on.  In all that weakness and all those unknowns God called me and I heard him. Somehow I ended up in YWAM Puerto Rico where he broke me even more till I could receive the love I had been longing for. There was a season while I was there that probably lasted about 3 months. It was the freest I have ever felt. It was full or grace and truth. I learned humility, I got to know God not just about him and I started to see myself as he sees me. My relationships grew deep and strong. My vision and hope for my future expanded like crazy.
 And then I came home.
The past year has been hard because my eyes have been opened, I've tasted and I've seen and I've been ruined by this God and his love for me. I can't be satisfied with anything else. I ache for it every second, closeness and intimacy with him. But its hard here and I normally don't feel him like I did, or believe him like I did. I guess its just the classic, oh back to real life where its not just all there for you-shock. But either way, after a lot of doubt, a lot of waves tossing me around, a lot of voices telling me nothing that I remember, a lot of panic and SO much fear...i have realized that there is no where else for me to go. Like Peter and the twelve after Jesus gives a hard teaching about his flesh and blood in John 6; Jesus asks, "Do you also want to go away?" and peter answers, "Lord, to whom shall we go? You hold the words of eternal life. Also we have come to believe that You are the Christ, the Son of the living God."
This is where I find myself, I can't give up, I have come to believe that He really is the Christ, the Son of the living God, despite who I am being or what I'm doing or not doing, what matters is who He is, and he is worthy of my life and the only one who can do anything with it.