The light in the snow

Snow makes everything brighter, which I love.

Last snowfall I caught myself feeling really nostalgic for my childhood snow days, when our backyard was transformed into a wonderland to tromp through and explore until our snow pants were soaked through. I miss that snow wonder that used to pull me out of bed, into all my layers and out into the new white world. This snowfall, I kept thinking how great it will be when our baby experiences her first snow and it becomes all magical again in the eyes of a child. 

And maybe that's true, that snow is more wonder-full as a kid, and maybe I don't experience it the same way anymore. But now I experience the light, and it is bright and beautiful.

Last snowfall, Steve and I walked over to the shopping center across from our house after dark and I noticed how light it still seemed, with the moon reflecting off all the white. It's a soft, quiet, brightness that is pretty magical. And today, the morning after a snowfall, it's as if our house has never had a lack of natural light problem- the brightness is streaming in from every crack of window no matter which side of the house. The sun on the snow is so magnified and the light fills me up.

It's reason enough for me to have snow at this stage of life, and I don't know that I ever really noticed it before. I kind of like that, that there is a new sense of wonder from the same old things at different seasons of life. It makes growing up seem a little less daunting. There is always the loss of how things were, but there is also gain, and new glory to be found. 

We were talking about that the other day; Joe, Debbie, and I. About the loss for Joe in leaving Jordan soon, and for me, in leaving the kidless life behind. I hadn't thought about it in those terms very much but that is part of this process. There will be the loss of "just us". Just me and Steve doing our life at our own pace. And I do cherish that, all these four years we've had, growing in knowing and loving and living together. I think that I will probably miss the simplicity of it, the quiet, and the comfort. 

And that is what this is, another life step away from the comfort of what we've known. I compared it to the feeling leading up to our wedding because I think it's really similar...

I know life will never be the same again but I don''t know how all or exactly it will be different. I know there will be "joys" and "trials", but those are the most vague and broad words ever. I know I probably have expectations that I can't name until I realize they are not being met. I know some things that seem like they should come naturally will actually be really hard. I know that I might feel another level of loss of self- who I am, what I'm about will most likely need to be rewritten again. I know my ability to love selflessly will be tested again, and again will be found wanting. 

That all seems pretty scary and sounds a bit tiresome. But I actually don't feel too scared, or sad, or tired- I just feel the excited anticipation of what is coming. Because even though I know it's probably going to be the hardest thing in life until now- I know God mixes it with the best things- like he's done time after time for me in the unknowns. And now that I have had a bit of practice with life as I know it being scratched and restarted a few times, I know the best prayer to pray. It's just- I trust you. No matter what comes, I trust that you're in this with us. I trust that even though the losses are real- so are the gains, and you have wonderful new things for us to see in this new season.

Like the light in the snow.