May

I haven't written in ages, and it's not cause there hasn't been anything to write about. I mean we got married. MARRIED. And had a super awesome, better than I could have asked for or imagined wedding! So when I didn't write to tell you all about it I thought maybe I would just take a break from blogging for this first year of marriage. We have taken a break from a lot of things going into this year, a sabbath year, to focus on learning this kind of day in and day out crazy and ordinary moment by moment love and commitment. To define ourselves as a new family, to seek God's direction.

Every now and then I thought about blogging about our new apartment or just our little life in Easton or my job at the daycare/preschool. Or going back and telling about our wedding, which I still intend to do. But every time I just kinda thought, no ill just wait till its been a year and then I'll start sharing in this way again... and then May happened. May has been such a full month this year! It's actually the best month, there is just nothing like May when it finally comes (October is similar but we'll talk about that when it's October). First of all, Steve got a job back in Lancaster in the beginning of April, so we started looking for apartments and I stopped my part time job to focus on finishing the semester and going back and forth between Easton and Lancaster to be with Steve. We thought we would be moving in the beginning of May but ended up finding an apartment that we couldn't move into till the end of May. We celebrated Steve's birthday with first, the Broad St Run in Philly, ten miles we just weren't really prepared for and then milkshakes and magic and Atlantic city. I finished school a little bit after that and started turning my attention towards packing up the apartment but then my Grandpa's health started quickly declining. So instead, I got to spend a lot of time with him and my family in the last two weeks of his life. And that's probably why I broke my blog silence. I just want to share about the end of his life because it was a really precious time and im so thankful for it.

I've been incredibly blessed with two sets of grandparents who are all and each incredibly loving and present and healthy. Living into their 90's and still seeing life as a gift to thank their Father for. I really hadn't experienced any kind of loss of a loved one and had no idea what it would be like, so when my mom texted us saying we should really come down and we weren't sure how much longer he would have I got a little worried. I just sometimes feel so removed from my own feelings and emotions and I wanted to really take in these last days with him. On the ride to Lancaster, Steve told me not to worry about how I feel, that that just does weird things to you, and that I should focus on being present for all the moments and being there for the rest of my family. He is really good at that, knowing just what to say at certain times, and it always comes out simple and true so I can just hear and trust it.

Grandpa has always been quiet, but not in an absent kind of way, you always knew he was there and that he loved you, because he just did, there was no question about it. But in his last couple weeks and days he had things he wanted to say. He wanted us to know that we are so precious and God is so worthy and that we are so loved. He wanted us to know that he really really really loved Grandma. In the kind of way that only 71 years of faithful, God centered marriage can grow. He told us some other things just in case, like if we never smoke a cigarette we'll never be addicted, or if we never take a drink we'll never be an alcoholic :). Really though, he wanted what was best for every single person in his family, he wanted us to be at peace and to be free to love and praise God with our lives.
I'll never forget his heart those last couple weeks. I felt like I could see straight through to his core and it was as soft as a heart can be. I felt like God was just holding it and every time another family member came into his room from across the states He would just gently touch another part of Grandpa's heart and his face would fold and tears of love would come and blessing would be spoken. It's like God was giving him the opportunity to miss us before he left to be in glory.

I can't imagine what it feels like to know that your next step is into eternity with God. That there's no next season here on earth, nothing more to learn here or do here, just time to go see Jesus. Grandpa and Grandma are so good at that, at never clinging to what they have but always holding things with open hands, so they are ready to receive what God gives next. I didn't know what it would be like to lose someone I loved, someone who loved me; but it was just like watching while he let God take what God had given him, a family of blessings, and watching him step empty handed into the greatest gift of all, eternity with God.

"I tell you this brothers; flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God, nor does the perishable inherit the imperishable. Behold! I tell you a mystery. We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed, in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, and the dead will be raised imperishable, and we shall be be changed. For this perishable body must put on the imperishable, and this mortal body must put on immortality. When the perishable puts on the imperishable, and the mortal puts on immortality, then shall come to pass the saying that is written:
'Death is swallowed up in victory. O death where is your victory? O death where is your sting?'"

The only sting to Grandpa's death is missing him, and more so thinking about Grandma missing him. It's really hard to think of one of them without the other. But when I watch my grandma face this new season of life I see the same open hands. I've never been particularly good at change and transition, it always takes me about as long as i've had something or been somewhere to become adjusted to not having it or being somewhere new. I think that's probably because I cling; I cling to ideas and people and places, to seasons and feelings, to gifts i've been given. But Grandma somehow learned to hold everything with open hands, even her lifelong companion. And God is giving her strength and joy and grace that she is able to receive because her hands and heart are open and were never trying to cling to someone who was always a gift ultimately belonging to God.

Steve and I are all settled into our new little apartment in Akron, complete with a washer and dryer and a little back porch I've been filling with flowers. We have a farmers market down the road and a bike path that feels like it was made just for us. We have friends who are just a text away and we have each other. I've been enjoying moving in and hanging everything again, making it beautiful and just ours. I've also kind of been wrestling with the comfort of having all of this and spending time and some money to make it nice. The other morning God reminded me to loosen my grip a little bit and thank him for everything that is this season of life, and to truly open it all up to Him again.

And my heart filled up to the brim with that special kind of peace that I know only comes from Him.