Stephen

A mans heart plans his way,

but the Lord directs his steps.

Proverbs 16:9 

Im not a man and have never been very good at planning but Oh Lord, please direct my steps.

Its funny because if anyone was following this blog closely like a book series and waiting for what might happen next I think between last post and this one it would be like the first book ending and you're waiting for the author to come out with the next one and it feels like an eternity.  I am probably the only one following my own life story closely enough for it to feel that way haha but honestly it has felt like soo long since I decided "believing is better" and in the mean time I've been waiting but also participating in the writing of the next part of this story.  Much like an author might experience, its been exciting, and scary and hard work deciding where this next part should go. I remember telling some coworkers in the middle of January that its so crazy making big decisions cause you know something will be decided and its like your waiting to find out what it is as if its out of your control but actually you are the one who is going to decide. So its like, "oh man i don't know whats gonna happen!" But wait, I'm the one who is going to decide whats going to happen haha. I was writing about the silliness of that in my journal though and came to the understanding that its like that because there actually is One who I have been waiting on, and truly He has given me freedom to decide things but is a very real and active person in the process and has the final say. So its actually more like waiting to see if you (me) will hear and follow His lead. Its nerve racking stuff for this girl.

Ive realized that while I share a lot of thoughts from my heart, things that I'm learning, like ideas and revelation and stuff, I don't actually share too much about the stuff of my life, I mean the people, the places, the activities, the day to day things that make up my coming and going and doing. For example, i said last time that I'm in the process of making all kinds of decisions and feel like God is the one who has brought me to this time for that purpose but I didn't say anything about what those decisions consist of.

Well one thing they consist of is this good-looking guy. Stephen Nowakowski. You may have seen him in a Facebook picture or two, or like a hundred. Honorary male member of the Triple Threat, worship leader, magic player, gaslight fan, songwriter, safety worker, Christ follower, people lover. To me about 6 months ago: loyal friend, prayer supporter, careful listener, running buddy, can-always-depend-on-for-a-quality-coffee date-guy. Im sure any of Steves close friends would agree that when you're a close friend of steves you know that you are a close friend of steves. There is no question of hm i wonder if he would like to talk to me if I called him back, or i wonder if steve would want to grab lunch or just sit at barnes and noble for a little, or get an iced coffee (all the way in denver) or i wonder if he would be interested if i started telling him about my life. You know he would. You know he cares, you know he wants to hear and he wants to tell and he wants to give time and somehow always has time and you know you will most likely feel very valued and appreciated during whatever time is spent in his company. At least this has been my ongoing experience since septemberish 2010.

My experience shifted a good bit at the beginning of January 2013. I won't go into all the details of that month because they are many, and I tend to get rambly if I go for the complete moment by moment account. Although our story is still in the making, it is one worth telling and if you want to make yourself available for a sit down talk I/ we would love to share it with you. But for now lets just say that if you haven't noticed yet, allow me to point out that we are very much together *please note the hand holding and couple-y pose above*
Just a few words I've been learning over the past few months of adjusting to sharing time and space and life with Steve ...

To choose and be chosen
I don't think I just happened to fall into loving Steve. Our dating relationship started in the most messy kind of time for me, major decision making time. Doors were opening all around me and opportunities presenting themselves and I knew that more than anything my Father in heaven wanted me to just chose some things and believe that He would meet me and direct me from there. Ive learned that love is a choice and truly this relationship began by God bringing me to a place where I wanted to and chose to open my heart to Steve. Its an intense thing the way God designed us to be with one person. It means choosing one person and being chosen by one person. It means commitment and singleminded devotion. Its probably a picture of something bigger, like the way He desires for us to chose Him and wants us to know that we are each His chosen.

Delight
A high degree of pleasure. There is something about knowing you are really loved by another person, that that person wants you around, enjoys your presence, and appreciates you all over. Its a joy to get to just enjoy another person. Enjoying and delighting implies satisfaction in what you're experiencing; I love just being with Steve, I thoroughly enjoy his company. And I notice it mostly in the in-between times, I like doing fun exciting things together but when I really feel this just delight in him is when were just being together, sharing space, sharing air to breath and time to live in.
I don't know if this thought fits under this but I wanted to say too that we just have fun. And Steve is just funny and he makes me laugh all the time and I love that :) And he's always smiling these days and I love that too. Even when were running he smiles, that didn't used to happen! Really I wish more people could know him like I know him, not because I would really want to share the relationship that we have, that would be kind of weird but just because I feel like I know him differently than anyone else ever gets to see him and the person I know is SO great.
"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." Theres a newish house of prayer song that has a line that says My God, my joy, my delight. I love this line because its not like what He can do for me or us, its not what he has done or will do, its just purely enjoying who He is and that He is who He is. Its just saying, "I like you!" Not only am I committed to you but I love loving you!

Time
Theres a new Joy Ike song that we have kind of adopted because I, and consequently he, started hearing it around the same time we started dating and it describes us pretty well and also has birds chirping in the background of the track (need I say more haha). Its actually called "Time" and there is a line in there that says "I do remember when I found I could stick by you all the time, and never really worry about wasting my time" When I heard it a little before we started dating I thought to myself, "This is how I want to feel with someone someday, like I'm not worried about giving him my time and life and know that our time together will not be wasted but will count for eternity and will bless God and others.
After that, we started spending all of our time together and I started really liking it :) Time is important you know, its more valuable than money even. Where and how and who you spend your time with says a lot and its something I tend to worry about just a little, I want to be sure my time is worth something because i think if its not being used intentionally its being wasted and thats just reality, we can waste our lives and I don't want to. Or we can spend our time on good things but never what God actually has in his heart and mind for us.
Im thankful to be with someone who also values time and is helping me not to worry about wasting mine but to believe that God is leading me/us very purposely.

This guy has kind of turned my plans a little bit upside down. It hasn't necessarily been an easy year thus far, its humbling and honestly im not very good at change. My hands cling tight to old things and hesitate to hold the new. But its all more than worth it. Its worth learning to share my heart and space and time and hopes and fears and dreams because Ive never met anyone on this earth who cherishes them the way that Steve does. Im thankful to be learning what it looks like to make decisions together and to pursue God together. I think that as humans in general, we live as if the way we think and what we say and decide to do only really matters for ourselves. Like we are our own person or something. But that couldn't be farther from the truth. Whether you live life side by side with another human being right now or not, there is One who knows your thoughts and your heart and all of those things we claim as our own. The earth is the Lords and everything in it, the world and all who live in it (psalm 24). You belong to the Lord and He knows your inward parts, what you're made out of, how you think and how you are (psalm 139). And no creature is hidden from his sight, but all are naked and exposed to the eyes of him to whom we must all give account (hebrews 4).
You are not your own and its the best news ever! Because He not only sees all of you but He loves all of you and He is in it for forever, that love does not ebb or flow and you never have to wonder if its right or best, there's no question. You share life and time and space with your creator and the lover of your soul. You are His chosen, He delights in you and wants to spend time with you more than anyone ever will. His love, it is better than life.

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