I didn't actually think much of the swimming hole today as I sat, I usually don't. What I love to do down there now is watch the birds. In the late summer I can usually find some goldfinch in the trees but today a different color greeted me from all sides. There were at least 7 cardinals that I could see without turning my head. They were all congregated in the bush directly across from me, males of the brightest red and females with their orange and light brown feathers and little red beaks. They were just hanging out, flying from tree to tree like they do. Birds are funny, they all have their little ways. The blue jay, which I spotted again and started to wonder if it was some other kind of bird instead, flew from one tree to a tree in an entirely different section of the stream and then further down again out of site. But the little cardinals just went from tree root to tree branch, to rock, to bush, all in the same little area right across from me. It makes me wonder, why the different patterns? I was also wondering if they are all related, like extended cardinal fam? or were they just friends, little cardinal community? Are blue jays just more like loners? I guess I could research and learn, but sometimes its more fun to just wonder :) It is rest, to just stop and pay attention and notice things, little beautiful things right here around us. And then to let yourself be a little astonished and then to tell others about it.
Something did interrupt my wondering though, I was really biting my nails a lot. Ive noticed lately that when I'm biting my nails I get really mindless and its hard to pull myself back in. Sometimes I think the same way as when I used to have to hold my nose always, will I ever grow out of this embarrassing habit?? So I got to thinking a little bit about why I do it, I've always known it comes from something inside me or else I wouldn't still do it and it wouldn't be so stinkin hard to break the habit. I think it has a lot to do with fear. I think fear is uneasiness of mind, unbelief, mistrust. I think rest is trust and faith and thankfulness, peace of mind. I think fear steals from rest. I think biting my nails is like a fake rest. Because we are made for really knowing and trusting the Lord, resting in his promises and believing he takes care of everything when we put our hope and faith in him. So when fear comes into the picture it robs us of that rest. But I think our flesh knows we still need the break from all of our trying to figure things out so maybe we pick up other little habits to quiet the uneasiness of our minds. But really those little habits are just fake rest. It looks like biting my nails for me, but I don't think I'm alone in this. Maybe it looks different for you, some place you go to when you zone out and stare into space or watch tv for hours or play mindless little games. Im not saying these things are all terrible, i just think sometimes we get stuck in a place where we just take a fake break from life for a little. But I think Jesus offers a better rest, a real rest, and I think when I find myself just zoning out and biting my nails when I could be really seeing beauty and gifts and evidence of Him around me, I have to ask myself; what are you so afraid of? Afraid I don't deserve His goodness in this moment? Afraid Ill deceive myself into something less than the life he has for me? Afraid if I just stop to look at him Ill find he's not there? Afraid I'm just doing life wrong, or not good enough?
A few weeks ago I was at gateway and my two best friends were playing and singing. I was just sitting there and looking at them and my heart was so full of love. I reallyy love them, and I love that they really love God. My heart is free to worship with them because I know that they worship not just with their little songs on a little set but I know them. I know that they love Him with their lives. I also know that they have messed up a lot and that sometimes they don't believe and sometimes they trip and fall. Cause we share life together and I see it but I know that this worship is authentic because we walk together and were walking towards Him, towards holiness. No one is trying to pretend we've attained it but no one is satisfied with with any kind of selfishness or pride or unbelief that shows up.
I was sitting thinking about them, thinking about me, thinking about us pursuing the Lord. I was watching them and resting, like watching the birds not biting the nails. Just thankful for who they are and taking in the words they were saying, proclaiming about the God who we love. And I was thinking about moving forward, about running towards Him, about throwing off things that hinder, about pressing on. I prayed,
Last night as I was falling asleep I thought to myself, "I like believing better."
2/1/2013 (from the trusty journals of Rachel Landis)
So January has come and gone- the first month of the 2013. The end of the beginning. Inside of us humans is a crazy place haha, it changes in there soo much and theres just no explaining it. no pinning it all down at one time or wrapping it up in words to deliver to anyone, even myself. But finally right now I almost like it that way. I like that I can't recount every thought and feeling of what has led me to now. All I have is what I think and feel and choose to believe now, in this moment, and when this one is over then on to the next one. To live by faith- live each moment believing and walking in it.
And what do I believe?
I believe that God is good.
That He is light and that He is life. That He is faithful and He is my strength and my salvation. I believe that He is love and that his love is shinning down on my face and filling my heart like warmth from the sun. I believe that He is wise and that He is holy and I believe that He is watching me, that I am valuable to Him. That He likes me and sees me and His eye is on me. To lead me in the way everlasting.
So tell me- where is there room for fear? What is fear when there is faith? It shrivels up itself and cowers in the corner to beat its own tricky self up. What can I fear? Whom shall I fear- when this is God. And he is here and true?
Faith is a shield because it protects against all those lies- it protects against "I am alone" and "I am lost" and "I am dark and helpless" and "I will fail."
It's like a force field around me, so that none of the what-ifs can get me, they can't wipe me out. Not even the dread of sudden terror, like what if what I know now gets flipped and I land on my butt in humiliation- even thats okay because He is good and loving and watching.
Even if the plan doesn't work out, if it changes, if there is another dilemma down the road- its okay. The rock is higher.
Its so good to believe Him, to trust him. Man, the worst is to not believe, to be afraid. To be afraid is to be crippled and stuck.
So friends, all this to say that things are shifting. The inside of me is different now then it was at the start of this month. At the beginning of the year I believe God said that some of the waiting is over and that He wants to lead me forward in practical ways, that it was time to listen and ask for direction for my life, my story inside his story. Decision making can be a perfect storm for me but I will say that I have made some this month which Im sure one of these days I will have the grace and time to write to you or tell you about. But this was most important. Because for me, the process of making decisions about my life is less about what I am going to do and more about who I am going to believe.
Im thankful because somehow there is faith in my heart where there was unbelief before. I don't know how it got there, or if it was always there and just stolen by fear. But if thats the case then I still can't explain how I got rid of the fear. Except that God does promise to "quiet all our fears with His love."
"In that day it shall be said to Jerusalem:
Do not fear; Zion, let not your hands be weak.
The LORD your God is in your midst,
The Mighty One will save,
He will rejoice over you with gladness,
He will quiet you with His love,
He will rejoice over you with singing."
Zephaniah 3:16-17
Truth be told, this story is not over and I am still biting my nails at times and asking myself, "What the heck are you still afraid of??" and just because decisions have been made and there is now a plan in my heart doesn't mean I have any idea about the steps ahead. All I know is that He is good and that He loves me and that he is here right now and I don't want to miss Him. Steve said something the other day about crossing a bridge when we come to it, to which I thought to myself, "There is a bridge I need to cross every day, every minute of every day, the bridge from fear to faith."
Cause I like believing better :)
Something did interrupt my wondering though, I was really biting my nails a lot. Ive noticed lately that when I'm biting my nails I get really mindless and its hard to pull myself back in. Sometimes I think the same way as when I used to have to hold my nose always, will I ever grow out of this embarrassing habit?? So I got to thinking a little bit about why I do it, I've always known it comes from something inside me or else I wouldn't still do it and it wouldn't be so stinkin hard to break the habit. I think it has a lot to do with fear. I think fear is uneasiness of mind, unbelief, mistrust. I think rest is trust and faith and thankfulness, peace of mind. I think fear steals from rest. I think biting my nails is like a fake rest. Because we are made for really knowing and trusting the Lord, resting in his promises and believing he takes care of everything when we put our hope and faith in him. So when fear comes into the picture it robs us of that rest. But I think our flesh knows we still need the break from all of our trying to figure things out so maybe we pick up other little habits to quiet the uneasiness of our minds. But really those little habits are just fake rest. It looks like biting my nails for me, but I don't think I'm alone in this. Maybe it looks different for you, some place you go to when you zone out and stare into space or watch tv for hours or play mindless little games. Im not saying these things are all terrible, i just think sometimes we get stuck in a place where we just take a fake break from life for a little. But I think Jesus offers a better rest, a real rest, and I think when I find myself just zoning out and biting my nails when I could be really seeing beauty and gifts and evidence of Him around me, I have to ask myself; what are you so afraid of? Afraid I don't deserve His goodness in this moment? Afraid Ill deceive myself into something less than the life he has for me? Afraid if I just stop to look at him Ill find he's not there? Afraid I'm just doing life wrong, or not good enough?
A few weeks ago I was at gateway and my two best friends were playing and singing. I was just sitting there and looking at them and my heart was so full of love. I reallyy love them, and I love that they really love God. My heart is free to worship with them because I know that they worship not just with their little songs on a little set but I know them. I know that they love Him with their lives. I also know that they have messed up a lot and that sometimes they don't believe and sometimes they trip and fall. Cause we share life together and I see it but I know that this worship is authentic because we walk together and were walking towards Him, towards holiness. No one is trying to pretend we've attained it but no one is satisfied with with any kind of selfishness or pride or unbelief that shows up.
I was sitting thinking about them, thinking about me, thinking about us pursuing the Lord. I was watching them and resting, like watching the birds not biting the nails. Just thankful for who they are and taking in the words they were saying, proclaiming about the God who we love. And I was thinking about moving forward, about running towards Him, about throwing off things that hinder, about pressing on. I prayed,
Let us experience more of your presence.
You are.
Please change the prayer of my heart from "I want you" to "You are."
Please change my life theme from "I want to know you" to "You are."
My story- from "I want you" to "You are."
That my life would be a daily faith experience with you. Just saying who you are, living who you are.
You are hope and joy and peace and life.
I will praise you with my life.
You are I AM.
Love this moment because you are here in it. and it will only happen once and then its past- don't miss it - don't miss Him right now. I am here. I AM.
The story continues, the story is now, everyone is here, the story is now.
You aren't missing it unless you are missing now.
Believe me now, Trust me now.
Man I love when He answers. I LOVE when He answers. I love it because its so brilliant, so unlike anything I can come up with. So true. I have been longing to know Him, and telling Him, " I want to know you!" over and over again. But in this moment it just came out different, I saw them up there, I thought of Elisa behind me, how I didn't even know her not too long ago but how she is such a valuable friend now, and I thought of how we all are here because He is here. All of our stories the way they are because of Him, and the way they intertwine because of Him. So I just wanted the prayer to be different. It's good to seek but I love to find. What if my prayer were always "You are. You are good. I do believe you, I do know you and you are here." But how is that possible? Its possible because He is! And He is life and joy and peace and hope and He is RIGHT here in this moment. And the only way to miss him is to try to be somewhere else or be someone else.
Last night as I was falling asleep I thought to myself, "I like believing better."
2/1/2013 (from the trusty journals of Rachel Landis)
So January has come and gone- the first month of the 2013. The end of the beginning. Inside of us humans is a crazy place haha, it changes in there soo much and theres just no explaining it. no pinning it all down at one time or wrapping it up in words to deliver to anyone, even myself. But finally right now I almost like it that way. I like that I can't recount every thought and feeling of what has led me to now. All I have is what I think and feel and choose to believe now, in this moment, and when this one is over then on to the next one. To live by faith- live each moment believing and walking in it.
And what do I believe?
I believe that God is good.
That He is light and that He is life. That He is faithful and He is my strength and my salvation. I believe that He is love and that his love is shinning down on my face and filling my heart like warmth from the sun. I believe that He is wise and that He is holy and I believe that He is watching me, that I am valuable to Him. That He likes me and sees me and His eye is on me. To lead me in the way everlasting.
So tell me- where is there room for fear? What is fear when there is faith? It shrivels up itself and cowers in the corner to beat its own tricky self up. What can I fear? Whom shall I fear- when this is God. And he is here and true?
Faith is a shield because it protects against all those lies- it protects against "I am alone" and "I am lost" and "I am dark and helpless" and "I will fail."
It's like a force field around me, so that none of the what-ifs can get me, they can't wipe me out. Not even the dread of sudden terror, like what if what I know now gets flipped and I land on my butt in humiliation- even thats okay because He is good and loving and watching.
Even if the plan doesn't work out, if it changes, if there is another dilemma down the road- its okay. The rock is higher.
Its so good to believe Him, to trust him. Man, the worst is to not believe, to be afraid. To be afraid is to be crippled and stuck.
So friends, all this to say that things are shifting. The inside of me is different now then it was at the start of this month. At the beginning of the year I believe God said that some of the waiting is over and that He wants to lead me forward in practical ways, that it was time to listen and ask for direction for my life, my story inside his story. Decision making can be a perfect storm for me but I will say that I have made some this month which Im sure one of these days I will have the grace and time to write to you or tell you about. But this was most important. Because for me, the process of making decisions about my life is less about what I am going to do and more about who I am going to believe.
Im thankful because somehow there is faith in my heart where there was unbelief before. I don't know how it got there, or if it was always there and just stolen by fear. But if thats the case then I still can't explain how I got rid of the fear. Except that God does promise to "quiet all our fears with His love."
"In that day it shall be said to Jerusalem:
Do not fear; Zion, let not your hands be weak.
The LORD your God is in your midst,
The Mighty One will save,
He will rejoice over you with gladness,
He will quiet you with His love,
He will rejoice over you with singing."
Zephaniah 3:16-17
Truth be told, this story is not over and I am still biting my nails at times and asking myself, "What the heck are you still afraid of??" and just because decisions have been made and there is now a plan in my heart doesn't mean I have any idea about the steps ahead. All I know is that He is good and that He loves me and that he is here right now and I don't want to miss Him. Steve said something the other day about crossing a bridge when we come to it, to which I thought to myself, "There is a bridge I need to cross every day, every minute of every day, the bridge from fear to faith."
Cause I like believing better :)
