In my heart there is a quest for true transformation of every fiber of my being. This is what I believe it means to be saved, not just someday when I die, but I need to be saved every moment until the day I die, saved from selfishness and pride and endless cycles of useless thoughts and darkness and discouragement and loneliness and emptiness and foolishness and tiredness. I could go into a lot of this right now cause its showing up EVERYWHERE in my life, and I really should post about what I saw in this during Challenge with our youth group but i think I just want to meditate a little bit on what He shared about Mary Magdelene from John 20.
Here's a woman I would love to study deeply. Right now I know that Jesus delivered her from 7 demons. Whether they were literal fallen angels possessing her and living inside her or forms of mental illness and disorder I think doesn't really matter, the fact is that her life was worthless and incredibly confused and bound and stuck and basically hopeless and futureless as far as anything good is concerned. But Jesus did for her what Jesus does, because of who Jesus is. He freed her, healed her, looked at her and maybe said something like, "Mary I know what the world thinks of you but I know the thoughts I think towards you, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope." Or maybe something like, "I created you, I formed you, don't be afraid, I have redeemed you, I have called you by your name, you are mine." Or, "I have delivered you because I delight in you."
And his words actually followed through, he could actually fulfill every promise and could give her that future. He looked at her and loved her, he had compassion. He wanted her, He won her. ( I don't mean this in like a Jesus and mary had a thing kind of way, just to clarify haha, but i feel like i have to use this language to get the intensity of it, i mean no one believed for her life, no one cared for her soul until Him). Maybe for the first time in her life she was loved and so she did what a loved person does, she locked eyes with this man and followed him, she determined never to let him go. He had taken a broken person and made something beautiful and alive and full of purpose; her transformed life, declared his glory and it was beautiful. It felt beautiful, it looked beautiful, She was beauty from ashes.
Im sure life was mundane at points after that, but she faithfully followed because she knew in the bottom of her whole healed heart that he was worthy and that he was hope and if anyone could do anything with her life it was him. He was life. Its like he did this first act of delivering but she couldn't get enough after that, he breathed life, every word was laced with grace and truth, every movement with purpose and love, a love that kept giving and giving. His presence was her sustenance, she drank in his words that fed her spirit and washed her heart. All of her life was his, all of her heart was set on him and his work.
And then he died.
There was a day we held our breath
and felt the sting of bitter death
and all our hopes were buried in the grave
our eyes awake our hearts were torn
between our faith and what we knew
before our king was buried in the grave
She was broken to pieces again. Maybe she didn't go back to being possessed but can you imagine? She had given her heart to this man, all of her hope for herself and her family and her friends and her nation rested in his life. She believed everything he said. And now he was gone? He left? He allowed it to happen. He coulda saved himself. She needs him, whats going on? And the darkness starts to cloud in again. She heard everyone talking, saying one thing or another about him, he was just a good teacher, he was getting out of hand, its better this way, see I knew he wouldn't free us, he couldn't be the messiah. She didn't want to believe them, she knew him, He was true. But how could he die? She was afraid, going back and forth in her mind, trying to figure it out, piece it together, save herself from the hurt she was feeling, trying to get a grasp on any of it, trying to figure out how to go on, what to think, how to be.
your grace was in the tension of everything we lost
standing empty handed shattered by the cross
She couldn't keep herself free, she had no strength without his presence, if he wasn't true than she was nothing again. she couldn't eat, she couldn't sleep. All she could think to do was run back to the last place she could see him, care for his body, all that was left of her savior. Maybe as long as she knew where he was it would be okay, maybe there was still hope
and all we had all we had
was a promise like a thread
holding us, keeping us oh from fraying at the edge
and all we know all we know is you said you'd come again
you'd rise up from the grave
One morning she just had to get out, she walked to the garden and came to the tomb while it was still dark. It couldn't possibly get any worse but then she saw that he wasn't there! that someone had taken his body away from her, as if she couldn't have any comfort at all, as if they had taken the last bit of respect and dignity he could have. All she could do was cling to the last place she had seen him, weeping in her fear and hurt and confusion and pain. She looked in the tomb, searching for his body one more time and saw two men. They asked her why she was weeping and she told them, they've taken him and I don't know where, I don't know how to find him.
JUST then, Mary heard a voice behind her, she turned around a saw a man but didn't recognize him through her eyes dimmed with rejection. He asked her again, who are you looking for, why are you crying?...why do they keep asking me that? "I just want my Lord! have you taken him??"
there was a day we looked for proof
that you had risen from the tomb
and all our doubts began to roll away
we test the scars upon your hands
you kept your word O son of man
you buried death by taking on the grave
you came near to save us
cause everything was lost
no longer empty handed, clinging to the cross
It is won/ it is done/ it is won
Then Jesus said, "Mary"
she turned with new eyes, filled with hope, "Rabboni!"
The shepherd knows His sheep. A sheep knows the voice of her shepherd.
I guess it just feels like a familiar story. Jesus comes and reveals himself to us, He saves and transforms. Man he just took my whole heart and changed it, gave me new passions and new desires. In relationship with him, in being with Him I was transformed. He ruined any other way, he convinced me with his strong love that he is true and good and beautiful and always always best. I know that He is my only hope, he is the only hope for the world and everything and one in it. In him is life. He is the light, and that light is the life of men.
But then in a sense, He left. He conquered death and was raised to life and now he says he'll come again. And will I recognize him? Or will my eyes be clouded with unbelief?
Will I be too distracted and consumed by my circumstances, by the feeling of his absence that I miss his presence when he comes in a new way. Will I believe that resurrection is for right NOW?
It's encouraging that even though she was blinded by something, maybe a lot of feelings and fear and discouragement, whatever it was it wasn't strong enough when it came to his voice saying her name.
A risen king speaking my name. what could be more powerful than that?
If God is for me who could ever be against me?
Nothing can separate me from his love, not even death.
all we have all we have
is the promise like a thread
holding us, keeping us oh from fraying at the edge
all we know all we know is that You say You'll come again
you rose up from the dead
(All Sons and Daughters)
There is always a feeling in this life that something is missing, even in the closest most feeling filled encounters with God there is always the next day when its fresh in mind but seems far from heart again. He is always revealing himself and truly present in this life here and now but no matter what comes and what God fulfills in my life or yours between now and the day we die, none of it compares to the completion and satisfaction that will be ours when we are reunited face to face with Jesus. Even if I'm living every moment in the perfect will of my Father right here on earth, even if I'm seeking his presence and fellowshiping with his Spirit here, I'm still waiting, always waiting, always preparing myself to be a blameless spotless bride waiting on the day He comes back. In the mean time when I sometimes feel lonely and incomplete, when I feel like Mary; just clinging to the last place I saw Him or the last time I felt Him, afraid that I might lose all that I know He has done, and all that I know He is. Or when I just feel darkness or its just hard to believe for whatever random reason (sometimes there is no reason, its just hard that day to believe He is as real and good as he was yesterday or whenever you know) Its like that here, some days easy and good, other days hard and strange but every day I have His promise like a thread, holding and keeping my heart from running away. All I know is that He said He would come again, He is not dead and I will see Him as He is; very alive and very good.
tonight I'm homesick.
