Ive been wanting to write again for awhile but I've just been crazy busy with fun things!! haha I'm not sure when this started happening but it has just been a really blessed time. I feel like rich with really good friends in a time where we have enough money and time to just enjoy living life together and "disfrutar" in all that God has given us. (spanish for enjoy). The other day I had a thought of like wow am I allowed to just enjoy like this? am I spending too much money on these little outings and too much time just enjoying life? Should I be worried about something right now? I keep using the word "enjoy" because i can't think of any other way to put it. Its just been a time of delighting in the gifts of life and friendship and provision and health. I guess it started with a bible study Steve, Brittany, Joe and once in awhile Ash and Brenden, and I were doing every week. Just really chill, getting together to read Revelation. Then Joe went to Israel and so it was mostly Steve, Britt, and I because we all have very weird schedules but kinda the same weird schedules. Like day time and late night time and wednesdays off. So we started going places for our bible study instead of staying in Lititz and then doing other little things we enjoy and then starting in the last month or so, running almost every day. In a very natural way, a little community has kinda formed where we really know each other well and can edify and encourage and challenge and confront, sharpen each other on this pursuit we all have with the Lord. It's really special and Im so aware that its a gift. Like we are so blessed. Im always so blessed but right now I'm very aware of all that God has given me. All I need is Him but He has given me a car to go places, money to buy lunch, a healthy body to run, creativity and resources to plan parties for people I love, and time to just enjoy Him and others. Im not entitled to any of this and most of the world doesn't have these luxuries. I don't have a right to them and Its not even what I deserve, but God has given these rich blessings in this time and I'm so thankful for it.
I want to hold all these gifts with open hands, always open to what else God will give or will take away. I know I have a pattern of coming to this kind of season and clinging to it when its time to move on or face a new challenge or invest in another place or other people, instead of letting Him give and take away and trusting Him through every twist and turn. I also have this sense that times like these have a very specific purpose. I think during times of plenty, God is always building my character and increasing my faith, expanding my heart so that while my roots grow deep into His abundant love, I will be prepared for some serious pruning and testing that has to come. Because on the edge of my mind I know there are hard things, there is still broken family and lost friends and an intense war, for the nations, for my country, for my county, for my city, for my circle of influence, and for my own heart. Im not exempt from any of that and I'm called to engage not sit on the sidelines or sleep in ignorance or "eat drink and be merry". But I'm also not supposed to go out and fight my own way in my own strength either. So I really believe I'm in a kind of training camp right now. Its funny how God gave me that verse awhile ago about "gird up the loins of your mind" which refers to warriors back in the day tucking their skirts into their belt to get ready to run to and in battle. And now we are here, running. And while it is working my body into shape, running has also been working my mind into shape, which is exactly what the verse says.
We were running one day from Brittany's apartment to my parents house. I knew where I was going, and I knew I wasn't going to stop and walk.So it was a matter of deciding what pace to take it at. I felt comfortable with the pace I was going at but thought maybe I could step it up a notch and push myself. I normally end up running kinda alone when we settle into our natural paces so I don't really have anyone else to push me. But a lot of times Ill use that mind space to pray and this time I felt the Holy Spirit say something along the lines of, "You can keep going this pace, no one around you is telling you any different, but I'm here and I know we can go a little harder, it won't be as comfortable but the reward will be stronger legs for next time and a greater accomplishment at the end. Kinda like Niko, its not just about getting it over with, its about how you get through it."
The other day we ran 6 miles for the first time and it was a hot day and the whole course we had mapped out was in the direct sun. None of us were really prepared for it and it was just really hard. I wanted to stop so many times. But as soon as I made it back to my driveway the first through that was running so loudly through my head was "I can do ALL things through Christ who gives me strength." And then the words changed in my mind to, "I can do HARD things through Him who gives me strength." The thing is, I don't have to be in a hard place to see that I need Jesus. Sometimes I think he wants to make us so aware that we are dependent on him for the simplest every day things. Every breath is because of his strength in me. I wake up because he gives me life.
But then theres this run, where its over and I'm thinking, not only can I do normal living because of Him, but because He lives in me I can do really hard things! In fact nothing is impossible for him.
A different day we started running a 5 k for practice and my shin started hurting like crazy. I had to stop and my first thought was, "pray for it" so I did and then Brittany did and it felt better so we started going again and I had decided in my mind like okay ill just keep running and thanking God for healing it. But it started hurting again and I felt like him saying, ask them to pray again. So at the next corner I did and they both prayed and I've never experienced this personally before but I actually felt heat and things moving inside my leg and it felt totally better. It didn't hurt at all the next time I ran. It seemed like the whole thing happened just to give us an opportunity to obey and believe and then get to see Him act :)
Its been like that lately, life seems pretty good, it gets busy every now and then but for the most part smooth sailing and then theres all these little bumps that he uses to teach me these little truths in ways that I can really feel and know them. I know its a time of building these things into my character so that when the next test comes, the next major shaking I will know; God is my healer, I can do all things, normal and hard, through Him who gives me strength, and I can probably press harder, I can handle the discomfort if it means pressing through a hard time with everything in me, not just half heartedly surviving till the finish line.
Im thankful for this time. Nothing has really changed about feeling kinda distant from the person of God himself. I still don't feel like I've arrived at that place of new knowledge and intimacy with him. But every once in awhile I hear such a clear voice tell me that right now is like one of those times I used to have in track. When running feels painful and like your whole body is telling you to just stop and give up already, it doesn't feel smooth or fast or great but then you finish the race and look at the time and it turns out you were going faster than ever before. I still don't feel awesome about my personal relationship with just me and God together. I don't feel humble or holy or pure or beautiful but I think thats because He is coming closer again in a new way and it shines light on my weakness. In fact the Holy Spirit is so close and doing so much inside me, and saying, "just wait till you see the fruit of what I am doing in you Rachel, I'm with you so much more than you know. " And thats when I can't take credit for any of it, which is exactly the heart I want to have.
I am the Lord your God
I go before you now
I stand beside you
Im all around you
though you're feeling far away
I am closer than your breath
I am with you more than you know
I am the Lord your peace
no evil will conquer me
so steady now your heart and mind
come into my rest
and Oh let your faith arise
and lift up your weary head
I am with you
wherever you go
Come to me
Im all you need
One day I was running along and I was alone, I couldn't see the people behind me or the people in front of me. I felt the Holy Spirit tell me that my walk with Him is very much like this right now. He has given me so much mercy and grace and all that I have in me is from Him, its not because I'm this great runner or this great Christian. And then any stronger I get at running will be from Him too, and any further along I get in my walk with Him, more faith, more revelation, more purpose and walking it out, that will all be from him as well. Right now I am in-between where I had been lets say just before DTS, and where I am going. Im not strong enough to keep up with those top notch runners yet (those people I really respect and look up to their lifestyle of calling and purity of heart and intimacy with Jesus), but I can't slow down or hang back either. So in the meantime, this is where Ill be, running with the Spirit of the one true living God as He trains me and pushes me and encourages me. Ill set my gaze on the goal and press on to lay hold of that for which Christ laid hold of me. Ill run in such a way as to win the prize (medallion?? hehe) and ill do it by renewing my mind to think according to what He teaches as we build muscle and exercise my knowledge of Him.
