all we know is you said you'd come again

This morning at the CORE Percy was sharing a little bit more about "transformative salvation". It sounds pretty fancy but I think the long and short of it is just like the question: what is salvation if it doesn't actually transform our lives?
In my heart there is a quest for true transformation of every fiber of my being. This is what I believe it means to be saved, not just someday when I die, but I need to be saved every moment until the day I die, saved from selfishness and pride and endless cycles of useless thoughts and darkness and discouragement and loneliness and emptiness and foolishness and tiredness. I could go into a lot of this right now cause its showing up EVERYWHERE in my life, and I really should post about what I saw in this during Challenge with our youth group but i think I just want to meditate a little bit on what He shared about Mary Magdelene from John 20.
Here's a woman I would love to study deeply. Right now I know that Jesus delivered her from 7 demons. Whether they were literal fallen angels possessing her and living inside her or forms of mental illness and disorder I think doesn't really matter, the fact is that her life was worthless and incredibly confused and bound and stuck and basically hopeless and futureless as far as anything good is concerned. But Jesus did for her what Jesus does, because of who Jesus is. He freed her, healed her, looked at her and maybe said something like, "Mary I know what the world thinks of you but I know the thoughts I think towards you, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope." Or maybe something like, "I created you, I formed you, don't be afraid, I have redeemed you, I have called you by your name, you are mine." Or, "I have delivered you because I delight in you."
And his words actually followed through, he could actually fulfill every promise and could give her that future. He looked at her and loved her, he had compassion. He wanted her, He won her. ( I don't mean this in like a Jesus and mary had a thing kind of way, just to clarify haha, but i feel like i have to use this language to get the intensity of it, i mean no one believed for her life, no one cared for her soul until Him). Maybe for the first time in her life she was loved and so she did what a loved person does, she locked eyes with this man and followed him, she determined never to let him go. He had taken a broken person and made something beautiful and alive and full of purpose; her transformed life, declared his glory and it was beautiful. It felt beautiful, it looked beautiful, She was beauty from ashes.
Im sure life was mundane at points after that, but she faithfully followed because she knew in the bottom of her whole healed heart that he was worthy and that he was hope and if anyone could do anything with her life it was him. He was life. Its like he did this first act of delivering but she couldn't get enough after that, he breathed life, every word was laced with grace and truth, every movement with purpose and love, a love that kept giving and giving. His presence was her sustenance, she drank in his words that fed her spirit and washed her heart. All of her life was his, all of her heart was set on him and his work.
And then he died.

There was a day we held our breath
and felt the sting of bitter death
and all our hopes were buried in the grave
our eyes awake our hearts were torn
between our faith and what we knew
before our king was buried in the grave

She was broken to pieces again. Maybe she didn't go back to being possessed but can you imagine? She had given her heart to this man, all of her hope for herself and her family and her friends and her nation rested in his life. She believed everything he said. And now he was gone? He left? He allowed it to happen. He coulda saved himself. She needs him, whats going on? And the darkness starts to cloud in again. She heard everyone talking, saying one thing or another about him, he was just a good teacher, he was getting out of hand, its better this way, see I knew he wouldn't free us, he couldn't be the messiah. She didn't want to believe them, she knew him, He was true. But how could he die? She was afraid, going back and forth in her mind, trying to figure it out, piece it together, save herself from the hurt she was feeling, trying to get a grasp on any of it, trying to figure out how to go on, what to think, how to be.

your grace was in the tension of everything we lost
standing empty handed shattered by the cross

 She couldn't keep herself free, she had no strength without his presence, if he wasn't true than she was nothing again. she couldn't eat, she couldn't sleep. All she could think to do was run back to the last place she could see him, care for his body, all that was left of her savior. Maybe as long as she knew where he was it would be okay, maybe there was still hope

and all we had all we had
was a promise like a thread
holding us, keeping us oh from fraying at the edge
and all we know all we know is you said you'd come again
you'd rise up from the grave

 One morning she just had to get out, she walked to the garden and came to the tomb while it was still dark. It couldn't possibly get any worse but then she saw that he wasn't there! that someone had taken his body away from her, as if she couldn't have any comfort at all, as if they had taken the last bit of respect and dignity he could have. All she could do was cling to the last place she had seen him, weeping in her fear and hurt and confusion and pain. She looked in the tomb, searching for his body one more time and saw two men. They asked her why she was weeping and she told them, they've taken him and I don't know where, I don't know how to find him.

JUST then, Mary heard a voice behind her, she turned around a saw a man but didn't recognize him through her eyes dimmed with rejection. He asked her again, who are you looking for, why are you crying?...why do they keep asking me that? "I just want my Lord! have you taken him??"

there was a day we looked for proof 
that you had risen from the tomb
and all our doubts began to roll away
we test the scars upon your hands
you kept your word O son of man
you buried death by taking on the grave
you came near to save us
cause everything was lost
no longer empty handed, clinging to the cross

It is won/ it is done/ it is won

Then Jesus said, "Mary"

she turned with new eyes, filled with hope, "Rabboni!"

The shepherd knows His sheep. A sheep knows the voice of her shepherd.

I guess it just feels like a familiar story. Jesus comes and reveals himself to us, He saves and transforms. Man he just took my whole heart and changed it, gave me new passions and new desires. In relationship with him, in being with Him I was transformed. He ruined any other way, he convinced me with his strong love that he is true and good and beautiful and always always best. I know that He is my only hope, he is the only hope for the world and everything and one in it. In him is life. He is the light, and that light is the life of men. 

But then in a sense, He left. He conquered death and was raised to life and now he says he'll come again. And will I recognize him? Or will my eyes be clouded with unbelief? 

Will I be too distracted and consumed by my circumstances, by the feeling of his absence that I miss his  presence when he comes in a new way. Will I believe that resurrection is for right NOW?

It's encouraging that even though she was blinded by something, maybe a lot of feelings and fear and discouragement, whatever it was it wasn't strong enough when it came to his voice saying her name. 

A risen king speaking my name. what could be more powerful than that?

If God is for me who could ever be against me?

Nothing can separate me from his love, not even death. 

all we have all we have
is the promise like a thread
holding us, keeping us oh from fraying at the edge
all we know all we know is that You say You'll come again
you rose up from the dead
(All Sons and Daughters)

There is always a feeling in this life that something is missing, even in the closest most feeling filled encounters with God there is always the next day when its fresh in mind but seems far from heart again.  He is always revealing himself and truly present in this life here and now but no matter what comes and what God fulfills in my life or yours between now and the day we die, none of it compares to the completion and satisfaction that will be ours when we are reunited face to face with Jesus. Even if I'm living every moment in the perfect will of my Father right here on earth, even if I'm seeking his presence and fellowshiping with his Spirit here, I'm still waiting, always waiting, always preparing myself to be a blameless spotless bride waiting on the day He comes back. In the mean time when I sometimes feel lonely and incomplete, when I feel like Mary; just clinging to the last place I saw Him or the last time I felt Him, afraid that I might lose all that I know He has done, and all that I know He is. Or when I just feel darkness or its just hard to believe for whatever random reason (sometimes there is no reason, its just hard that day to believe He is as real and good as he was yesterday or whenever you know)  Its like that here, some days easy and good, other days hard and strange but every day I have His promise like a thread, holding and keeping my heart from running away. All I know is that He said He would come again, He is not dead and I will see Him as He is; very alive and very good.
tonight I'm homesick.

every good and perfect gift

I know I just kindaaa wrote about this but tonight again I feel so richly blessed! and i just want to express it! I started reading the book about a thousand little gifts  awhile ago, about how God is constantly giving us grace and when we see everything he gives as grace then we can be always thankful and so full of joy. I started a little list of things that really bless me that I'm thankful for but I haven't taken this whole thought sooo practically like she, the author, did. Which had me a little out of sorts like, "man I really want to get this revelation! I want this full life right here where I am in every moment, but I'm not exactly doing what she did or getting it all the same way" which of course is like, um yea you're not going to learn it the exact same way silly, you are two different people and she already wrote the book!
Needless to say, as it turns out God has VERY much been revealing this to me right now just in living life and opening my heart and mind to him.
 I remember really struggling with the idea of receiving. Like I could believe that God has forgiven me, but for me to receive that forgiveness was/is hard. Or believe of course He loves me, but how do I let myself receive that love.  His grace is enough if I receive it and live that it is enough. Im filled with His Spirit, He lives inside me, but to receive His Spirit?
Even just promises: "I will give you a heart to know me, you will be my people and  I will be your God, You will return to me with your whole heart." Okay I know He spoke that to me, but to receive it and really own that this promise is for me and will come to pass because a very real God has told me it will. Tricky business. I don't really know why, and I probably shouldn't try to come up with a reason if He hasn't actually made that known to me. Probably along the lines of not believing I'm worthy of his gifts, and believing other lies that had been fed to me or that the enemy still whispers in my ear.
Ahh a tragic thing has just occurred!! I went to go look up the word "receive" in the websters 1828 dictionary (the best!) online and the site is suspended!!
Anyway, I just thought that would be interesting and maybe shed some more light but we shall carry on without the definition.

These days have been SO full of gifts. They are actually real blessings that I think most people would consider gifts, not obscure things necessarily; really authentic consistent friendships, a great fulfilling stretching but enjoyable job, great birthday presents, a healthy body, fun little outings, new things. But within those things are more specific aspects that touch my heart in particularly:
The way Amanda's face lights up when I pick her up at lighthouse, how she celebrates my birthday for a whole week and tells everyone she sees that its my birthday and I'm rachel. When Elisa makes a simple dinner extra yummy by adding oranges or something different. That I get to know the people I work with and just live life with them and call it a job. That of all the people in the world to spend 30 plus hours a week with, I get to know these incredibly special people who others completely miss out on not on purpose, just because they haven't purposed to like I hadn't. A day like today when I just feel like I'm friends with Sam and were just hanging out, not that I'm taking care of her. When I feel like she's letting me get to know her personality and comfortable with me as a friend. When ten pm rolls around but its so chill that no ones in a rush to leave and everyone hangs around the office for a minute or two just chatting.
That I can wake up when my friends get to my house and know they will be comfortable just coming in and chillin while I get ready. That crazy fun feeling that comes from jumping on a trampoline or risking getting soaked to steal the hose from my brother while he's completely drenching me.. Fresh strawberries on the side of the road! My red ball. Morning run through shady neighborhoods with cool houses. Staying up in Debbies room doing our own things but together. Seeing like every colorful bird that exists in pennsylvania this spring everywhere I go. A great great great cd from Steve. Friends who love that I love what I love, and know what those things are. Four really great journals for my birthday from four different people who know I love to write and want to encourage that in me. The grace to get up on time for work in the morning lately. Really special words written from my parents. When Im just stopping in at my parents house and Joe is there! Being asked if I would want to volunteer at the reception desk at the church office when I was just telling God I would love to be a part of that office and the people there in some way. Having friends who will stop and pray for me and with me. Parents who pray for me. Great new sandals that are very "me".  A trust that God has built in my heart towards relationships, which keeps me in perfect peace about things that are otherwise unsettled. How even though I still can't answer "what are your next plans" with a little plan, I know that He has one and that ill have it when I need it.

Like ahhh SO many gifts. ALL of which are free. ALL of which He doesn't have to give. All of which He says I can freely receive.
God says that we love because He first loves us. We love him more fully when we know how fully we are loved by Him. And our purpose is to bring our Father joy. How much more can we do that when we know how much joy we bring him? That's another things that keeps creeping into my heart lately. I just get these little thoughts of like "God really likes that about you." Except its probably more like "I really like that about you" coming right from him. Its just hard for me to say or acknowledge it as that cause it seems so CRAZY. What is there to like about me if you are God? How can I bring you joy? I can bless you? I don't think you actually meant that, don't you mean to say, "hey don't forget to give me credit for that cool thing you just did, or okay that was great but careful next time you do that not to get prideful." Like ah I think we really put that on God. That He is alwaysss standing over us making sure we do everything just right, always correcting us, always wanting more, always a little disappointed, never quite totally pleased. Or that if we feel good about something we have to quick shut down that feeling so that we don't get puffed up in pride. At least I think I feel that way. And I know pride really is my biggest enemy. And I do believe He always wants our best, which is holiness and perfection and all of that, because He loves us. He does convict and correct. But maybe sometimes He works to that end in a really different way than we tend to think, but were just to afraid of our own weakness to hear it. Maybe when I think Im feeling like He likes something about me its cause he actually does and he is telling me that. Maybe He is actually saying, I love the way you love your church and want to be a part of what I'm doing there! I love that you like to express yourself to me in writing! I love that you appreciate my creation the way you do and love to meet me there. I love that you have listened and learned this lesson from me, its a joy to teach a heart that wants to learn.
Maybe he doesn't want me to deny that voice and push it away to be safe from pride, because if I know its from him it will actually motivate me to respond to him in love and not out of obligation. It will actually teach my heart to know that nothing good comes from me but every good and perfect thing in me and for me comes from him..

Gifts is the love language God has been cultivating in me for the past year or two. I didn't used to be so about it in any way really. But the more I learn to see and receive His gifts, the more I experience his love. Which encourages me to love him back and give everything I am and have back to him.
I don't know, lets learn to receive from our really awesome Father who likes to give great gifts and lavish his love on us, i think it may just lead to fuller life that he gave everything to give us.

Get ready to run

Ive been wanting to write again for awhile but I've just been crazy busy with fun things!! haha I'm not sure when this started happening but it has just been a really blessed time. I feel like rich with really good friends in a time where we have enough money and time to just enjoy living life together and "disfrutar" in all that God has given us. (spanish for enjoy). The other day I had a thought of like wow am I allowed to just enjoy like this? am I spending too much money on these little outings and too much time just enjoying life? Should I be worried about something right now? I keep using the word "enjoy" because i can't think of any other way to put it. Its just been a time of delighting in the gifts of life and friendship and provision and health. I guess it started with a bible study Steve, Brittany, Joe and once in awhile Ash and Brenden, and I were doing every week. Just really chill, getting together to read Revelation. Then Joe went to Israel and so it was mostly Steve, Britt, and I because we all have very weird schedules but kinda the same weird schedules. Like day time and late night time and wednesdays off. So we started going places for our bible study instead of staying in Lititz and then doing other little things we enjoy and then starting in the last month or so, running almost every day. In a very natural way, a little community has kinda formed where we really know each other well and can edify and encourage and challenge and confront, sharpen each other on this pursuit we all have with the Lord. It's really special and Im so aware that its a gift. Like we are so blessed. Im always so blessed but right now I'm very aware of all that God has given me. All I need is Him but He has given me a car to go places, money to buy lunch, a healthy body to run, creativity and resources to plan parties for people I love, and time to just enjoy Him and others. Im not entitled to any of this and most of the world doesn't have these luxuries. I don't have a right to them and Its not even what I deserve, but God has given these rich blessings in this time and I'm so thankful for it. 

I want to hold all these gifts with open hands, always open to what else God will give or will take away. I know I have a pattern of coming to this kind of season and clinging to it when its time to move on or face a new challenge or invest in another place or other people, instead of letting Him give and take away and trusting Him through every twist and turn. I also have this sense that times like these have a very specific purpose. I think during times of plenty, God is always building my character and increasing my faith, expanding my heart so that while my roots grow deep into His abundant love, I will be prepared for some serious pruning and testing that has to come. Because on the edge of my mind I know there are hard things, there is still broken family and lost friends and an intense war, for the nations, for my country, for my county, for my city, for my circle of influence, and for my own heart. Im not exempt from any of that and I'm called to engage not sit on the sidelines or sleep in ignorance or "eat drink and be merry". But I'm also not supposed to go out and fight my own way in my own strength either. So I really believe I'm in a kind of training camp right now. Its funny how God gave me that verse awhile ago about "gird up the loins of your mind" which refers to warriors back in the day tucking their skirts into their belt to get ready to run to and in battle. And now we are here, running. And while it is working my body into shape, running has also been working my mind into shape, which is exactly what the verse says. 

We were running one day from Brittany's apartment to my parents house. I knew where I was going, and I knew I wasn't going to stop and walk.So it was a matter of deciding what pace to take it at. I felt comfortable with the pace I was going at but thought maybe I could step it up a notch and push myself. I normally end up running kinda alone when we settle into our natural paces so I don't really have anyone else to push me. But a lot of times Ill use that mind space to pray and this time I felt the Holy Spirit say something along the lines of, "You can keep going this pace, no one around you is telling you any different, but I'm here and I know we can go a little harder, it won't be as comfortable but the reward will be stronger legs for next time and a greater accomplishment at the end. Kinda like Niko, its not just about getting it over with, its about how you get through it."

The other day we ran 6 miles for the first time and it was a hot day and the whole course we had mapped out was in the direct sun. None of us were really prepared for it and it was just really hard. I wanted to stop so many times. But as soon as I made it back to my driveway the first through that was running so loudly through my head was "I can do ALL things through Christ who gives me strength." And then the words changed in my mind to, "I can do HARD things through Him who gives me strength." The thing is, I don't have to be in a hard place to see that I need Jesus. Sometimes I think he wants to make us so aware that we are dependent on him for the simplest every day things. Every breath is because of his strength in me. I wake up because he gives me life. 

But then theres this run, where its over and I'm thinking, not only can I do normal living because of Him, but because He lives in me I can do really hard things! In fact nothing is impossible for him. 

A different day we started running a 5 k for practice and my shin started hurting like crazy. I had to stop and my first thought was, "pray for it" so I did and then Brittany did and it felt better so we started going again and I had decided in my mind like okay ill just keep running and thanking God for healing it. But it started hurting again and I felt like him saying, ask them to pray again. So at the next corner I did and they both prayed and I've never experienced this personally before but I actually felt heat and things moving inside my leg and it felt totally better. It didn't hurt at all the next time I ran. It seemed like the whole thing happened just to give us an opportunity to obey and believe and then get to see Him act :) 

Its been like that lately, life seems pretty good, it gets busy every now and then but for the most part smooth sailing and then theres all these little bumps that  he uses to teach me these little truths in ways that I can really feel and know them. I know its a time of building these things into my character so that when the next test comes, the next major shaking I will know; God is my healer, I can do all things, normal and hard, through Him who gives me strength, and I can probably press harder, I can handle the discomfort if it means pressing through a hard time with everything in me, not just half heartedly surviving till the finish line. 

Im thankful for this time. Nothing has really changed about feeling kinda distant from the person of God himself. I still don't feel like I've arrived at that place of new knowledge and intimacy with him. But every once in awhile I hear such a clear voice tell me that right now is like one of those times I used to have in track. When running feels painful and like your whole body is telling you to just stop and give up already, it doesn't feel smooth or fast or great but then you finish the race and look at the time and it turns out you were going faster than ever before. I still don't feel awesome about my personal relationship with just me and God together. I don't feel humble or holy or pure or beautiful but I think thats because He is coming closer again in a new way and it shines light on my weakness. In fact the Holy Spirit is so close and doing so much inside me, and saying, "just wait till you see the fruit of what I am doing in you Rachel, I'm with you so much more than you know. " And thats when I can't take credit for any of it, which is exactly the heart I want to have. 

I am the Lord your God

I go before you now

I stand beside you

Im all around you

though you're feeling far away

I am closer than your breath

I am with you more than you know

I am the Lord your peace

no evil will conquer me

so steady now your heart and mind

come into my rest

and Oh let your faith arise

and lift up your weary head

I am with you 

wherever you go

Come to me 

Im all you need

One day I was running along and I was alone, I couldn't see the people behind me or the people in front of me. I felt the Holy Spirit tell me that my walk with Him is very much like this right now. He has given me so much mercy and grace and all that I have in me is from Him, its not because I'm this great runner or this great Christian. And then any stronger I get at running will be from Him too, and any further along I get in my walk with Him, more faith, more revelation, more purpose and walking it out, that will all be from him as well. Right now I am in-between where I had been lets say just before DTS, and where I am going. Im not strong enough to keep up with those top notch runners yet (those people I really respect and look up to their lifestyle of calling and purity of heart and intimacy with Jesus), but I can't slow down or hang back either. So in the meantime, this is where Ill be, running with the Spirit of the one true living God as He trains me and pushes me and encourages me. Ill set my gaze on the goal and press on to lay hold of that for which Christ laid hold of me. Ill run in such a way as to win the prize (medallion?? hehe) and ill do it by renewing my mind to think according to what He teaches as we build muscle and exercise my knowledge of Him.

You become what you behold

"What more, you may ask, do we want? Ah, but we want much more-something the books on aesthetics take little notice of. But the poets and mythologies know all about it. We do not merely want to see beauty, though, God knows, even that is bounty enough. We want something else which can hardly be put into words- to be united with the beauty we see, to pass into it, to recieve it into ourselves, to bathe in it, to become part of it."
C.S. Lewis


Theres a few things I've been doing/ reading that have been feeding my thoughts and stretching my heart lately which I haven't touched on here. One is a bible study by Beth More, Breaking Free, that I have been going through with a group of friends. The other is the book A Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. The book itself was kinda a gift from God by way of the "other books you may be interested in" little blurb that reads your mind and then pops up on Amazon when you're searching. The subheading for this one was "How to live fully right where you are" and i mean, you don't have to know me very well to know that that is exactly my little quest at the moment haha. Big and little decisions can be paralyzing for me but I'm fully confident that when God has a little gift that he doesn't want me to miss out on he makes sure I have no trouble acting on it. So I ordered the book. Needless to say, its great and, like I've been noticing about all the little gifts He gives me, it comes in a way I can truly relate to and understand. 
Anyway, the book is awesome, its basically this moms revelation over time about how to just live normal everyday life full of grace, joy, and the presence of God through simply giving thanks to Him for all things. Crazy simple, incredibly beautiful. She has a whole chapter about a night she had with the moon and wow just describes exactly how I feel when I'm looking at the moon but don't know how to put into words the awe it gives me for my creator. 
This C.S. Lewis quote was stuck in there somewhere around that chapter and it is VERY much the way I've been feeling this whole spring, or maybe my whole life and I'm just now becoming conscious of it.
The other day I was at my parents once again enjoying a beautiful day just laying in the grass taking it all in and trying to describe everything around me...

Beauty all around me, just me alone surrounded

A blue haron stops me in my tracks, he lifts up off the creek 

and skims the water, landing somewhere downstream

the cherry blossom willow blows its soft white pink gently in the wind

sweet grass smell fills my nose and tickles my bare feet

bright red, bold tulips stand out against the fresh new green

passover lambs graze (fate tied) in the meadow

birds sing and chirp playfully above me

a light breeze brushes my face and the sun warms my skin.

All my senses come alive just by stopping for an hour on an otherwise normal afternoon and beholding this beauty. I am so aware it is His beauty that I see. Ive run to this beauty because in it, surrounded by it I can't doubt, I don't fear, I know and believe Him, I see Him.  Yesterday after our family Easter gathering I took a walk through town and it was windy and looking like it might storm later, it was warm but had an exciting edge to it with the wind and clouds and spring flowers and trees here and there. I just know its Him. 

There are afternoons like that and then there's other times, hours spent making something creative with fun colors and designs. And then to finish and see the completed creation and find His beauty is all over it. Even just putting together a pretty outfit; I just got a shirt with a butterfly on it today at target and it just says to me "God is beautiful". It happens when I hang out with my nieces and nephews. They are stinkin cute thats for sure but theres something else in their innocent unique little faces, expressions and little exclamations, its His creativity and beauty.
Don't even get me started on the moon.

Even in writing, sometimes I finish a blog or something like this and I read over it and it surprises me because it seems to reflect His beauty. Music is like that, the perfect song, its just beautiful but not of our own beauty, its something else, something otherly. It can only be attributed to him. 

I see it ALL over., and therefore I see Him all over. But, back to the quote...

"...We want something else which can hardly be put into words- to be united with the beauty we see, to pass into it, to recieve it into ourselves, to bathe in it, to become part of it."

I hear two things very clearly from the Lord these days. One is "Come away with me!" Just come and enjoy my face, by beauty, away from anyone and anything that could take my place in your heart, come away with me! And then, "Live fully right where you are, be where you are." To me these seem to contradict themselves. In my heart there is always this longing to just go away by myself into creation. I've done it all my life, finish supper quick to run outside to the magnolia tree, get through the school day to come home and take a nap or read a book on a blanket outside, slip out of room one at the base and meet God behind the comedor, just me and him. No confusing fears about what other people think of me or having to be a certain way for myself or anyone when its just me surrounded by His beauty outside. In the same way, I love to be surrounded by his people, my face in his word, humming his tunes. I love my church, Ive always half lived there. I love bible studies with Britt and Steve, I love worship with brenden, and small group with our girls, breaking free, prayer meeting, the core. I love to be in His environment. I think He loves this about me, I know he made me like this. But right now I feel a little unrest about it, and there is this other word...

"BE where you are, live fully anywhere and everywhere." Live here at home in Lancaster, don't try to run back to the base. Live here at work, don't try to run away to your journal or even bible, worship me in serving them. Be with me here in your house, you don't have to always run to the grass and trees, Know me here in the dark, when there is no other light. Know me when your hanging out with some of these friends where its not so easy, not as comfortable.  What if you were in a cold dark place with no one around who knows you, would you know me? would you love me? would you BELIEVE me? 

Because the thing is, its one thing to see the beauty, one thing to see Him, on sunny warm spring afternoon, in spirit filling services, in solid edifying two way conversations; one thing to follow him when everyone else is, one thing to talk about him when He is the topic of conversation, when he is the most valued by all. But its not enough. Not enough just to see him, even the devil believes him. Not enough to write about him, I want to live this.  Although I can hardly put it into words, I long to pass into it, long to receive him to myself, long to become part of him. 

Because then He is in me. He is in me here or there, with him or her, upstairs or downstairs, across town, when its cold and I'm frozen or when its warm and I feel free to move about, in season or out of season, when i get it and when i don't, when I'm walking or running or standing still.  Whether I stay or go, pay or save, give or spend, when I lay down and when I get up. 

Or when I'm trusting but someone else I love isn't, He is even there, still true, still faithful. Or when I hear something and I'm the ONLY one thinking this way, He is still true, still worthy of my obedience. Or when he says I am His and I belong when I feel lonely and misplaced. He is still the true one. 

Maybe his word is not "come away from where you are to be with me" maybe it's while you are there or anywhere, come away from the fear or failing, come away from the lie that I am not there with you, come away from the unbelief that says I'm not worthy or trustworthy, come away from that slavery, that death, and be with me there. Believe me there, love me there, please me there. Lets integrate this whole thing, I kinda want ALL of you.

"The secret to joy is to keep seeking God where you doubt He is."

So once again, how? I know its true, that by "asking Jesus into my heart" by taking on this life for him the reality is that he does live inside me. This is the reality of life with him, its not just with but IN, together as ONE. Every movement, every decision, every thought. But still I see this thing happening in my life, this separation of God and some parts of life, if you will. And I question, how do I see you where I don't see you? How do I do things that don't seem to pertain to you for you, how to enter into this oneness? where everything in me is yours, everything I do is for you? I try in funny little weak attempts to paste you onto things, to put your name somewhere or something.

I can almost hear Yarley saying "playing worship music while washing the dishes doesn't make it pleasing to God. Were not trying to "christianize" the work place or bring church into school, were talking about a heart that does everything as worship to God." A heart that sees God everywhere, a heart that believes and trust him always. A heart.

"Then I will give them a heart to know Me, that I am the Lord, and they shall be my people, and I will be 

their God, for they shall return to me with their whole heart." (jeremiah 24:7)  

Only a whole heart lives all of life One with the father.

Jesus himself, "Most assuredly (I'm very sure of this), I say to you, the Son can do nothing of Himself, but only what He sees the Father do,  for whatever He does, the Son also does in like manner. For the Father loves the Son, and shows Him all things that He himself does, and He will show him greater works than these, that you may marvel. For as the Father raises the dead and gives life to them, even so the Son gives life to whom He will."

This is the way of full life, living and giving life abundantly. 

I lean back again and look up, breathe deep, and see a hawk really far away in the sky. He is flying soo high looking for prey across the stream. And then a second one joins him and they fly closer, right above me. Two more join. I can see where the light comes through their feathers, showing off some details in their wings and where they are darker with body mass. So intricately designed, created to fly so crazy high, so smooth, just floating up there. And the crazy thing is they can SEE from up there! they might even see me. They probably see the life in the sheep and the warmth of blood running through my body. But their prey is even smaller, still they sense the living being far far below them- somehow see it, maybe not like I see the fly in front of me full detail, but they see the heat and movement of life and can identify where it is. They target it from great heights and distance.

God and I have a thing about birds of prey, he knows I love seeing them up close, or anytime I get to see them close enough to recognize what they are. I think they are really beautiful. I love little birds but these birds are just crazy beautiful to me. So I know its a gift.

Its a stretch but I feel like I relate- I can see this way the birds do,  I see this life beating far far from me. And my creator has made me to run, to set my heart violently, intensely on finding this life he has for me. On holiness and oneness with him, on being united with this beauty that is him, on believing its in me because he is in me.

Just like he has created each animal with instincts and these birds with every skill they need to nourish their lives with food, he has designed me in my body, heart, mind and soul, to seek and find his life. It's intentional, the little bunnies don't just end up in their talons by chance. But its natural, its they way they were made. This life doesn't just end up in my grasp somehow without me ever engaging, but its natural, I don't have to get all bent out of shape to make it happen. Just keep seeking God where you don't see him, just keep believing him where you don't feel him, keep asking him where you don't know, keep knocking where you can't go.

"The only way to see God manifested in the world around is with the eyes of Jesus within. God within is the One seeing God without. God is both the object of my seeing and the subject who does the act of all real seeing, the Word lens the inner eye wears. To sit in the theater of God and see His glory crack the dark, to open the eyes of my heart to see the fountains of His grace-thousands of gifts- I have to split heart open to more and more of Jesus. Who can split open the eyelids but Jesus? He tears the veil to the Holy of Holies, gives me the only seeing I have." 

Be thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart

But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as by the Spirit of the Lord."

2 Corinthians 3:18

You become what you behold.


I love the moon because its huge and mysterious and beautiful for no other reason except that God, its creator, is huge, beautiful, and mysterious. I mean, who decided that a huge glowing circle in the sky should be so AWESOME! there's no reason for it to be attractive and inspiring to us besides the fact that it, whether you know it or not, may as well be yelling from deep inside its glowing mass, "There is a GOOD, WISE, HUGE, AWESOME, incredibly beyond what you have seen or could imagine BEAUTIFUL God who made you! Praise him! GLORY and HONOR, and MAJESTY to the King of Kings! HOLY HOLY HOLY!" 
 Really, listen in sometime you'll hear more than that. 
Whoever you are, whether you know God or not, you look at the moon and at least for a second it is real (absolutely true), and its a pretty cool thing right? Well sit on that thought for a little longer, behold it for a few more seconds and please please know that
"since the creation of the world His invisible attributes are CLEARLY seen, being understood by the things that are made, even His eternal power and Godhead..." please know, that you are without excuse because if you've seen the moon than you've seen something of the invisible real God who made it. You've seen that He is beautiful.
That was a tangent, what I really want to say is the moon is the number one thing that provokes this "i want to pass into it" feeling in me. Because its very function is to reflect the sun. As in it has no light of its own. It is just a mass of reflecty stuff. No light. It catches my eye and I can NOT look away (joe has to remind me that the road is pretty cool too haha) but none of that super bright light is the moons! Its ALL the sun! And sometimes it reflects all of the sun, sometimes only half or a sliver. But its cool when its just a little bit and you can still see the outline of the rest of the moon, all that space that will be used to reflect more in due time. Oh man i could really go on this but were getting too long again...
The other day I made a comment about how bright the moon was tonight and my sister told me that Elijah, my little nephew said something about it earlier, something like, "Its so bright! Its the SUN!!" hahah i love it. But it also made me think..exactly! Isn't that what I want so badly, not to be God but to so reflect him that others see him in me the way I see him in the moon. 
So I sing along with Phil Whikham,


If You are the sun, I want to BE the moon.

Yellow

Happy first day of official spring! Today was kinda cloudy and gray, which believe it or not, really plays with my mood. I kinda was looking for another really sunny one, especially for enjoying free Ritas and everything. (Which, the sun did come out the second time I was there and all was well haha) But anyway, in the midst of the gray cloudiness  I noticed that man EVERYWHERE right now, the color is yellow. I mean everywhere there is color, its yellow. In my yard there are yellow daffodils, yellow mini daffodils, yellow little weed flowers, yellow jasmine. etc. I was remembering last summer when I started noticing the blue hydrangea everywhere. It just seems like for each part of the seasons there is a specific color that really sticks out. Right now I'm just seeing yellow. And its cool cause it doesn't matter what kind of day, if its sunny or a little darker, the daffodils are crazy bright and beautiful. And its not boring, like every new yellow burst I see is just as exciting haha. I don't know, I'm a little obsessive about these things. 

The clouds were also particularly amazing today once the gray broke a little and i got a text from my friend steve, referring to them as "my clouds" and in a way ill take that haha. I mean the beauty of creation is a gift of love from God to all of us, to anyone who will stop and receive it, behold it. 

Behold has a sweet definition:

To fix the eyes upon; to see with attention, to observe with care

One thing I have desired of the Lord,

That will I seek;

To dwell in the house of the Lord,

all the days of my life,
To behold the beauty of the Lord,
and to inquire in His temple.
psalm 27

So anyway, I know that these yellow flowers point to a creator and tell me about him, and I know this is why I love them so much, why it makes my heart happy just to see them everywhere I look, to see Him everywhere I look. So I got to work and had some spare time so I decided to write about it a little and see what could happen. Heres that:

Yellow bursting forth against the sky

blue or gray

it doesnt matter what kind of day

Yellow announces spring has come-

new life has already begun

it whispers softly through the breeze,

leave the sorrow and the worry for tomorrow

today is here, is now, let go of the fear and

Come away.

Come ride on the glory of this moment

Yellow without warning

Yellow glowing, burning

Yellow everywhere you're turning

Behold the color of new,

fix your attention on its shade, its hue

breathe grace in, let your spirit be renewed.

Now it draws your gaze 

from sky to tree to ground

I can almost hear the sound

of Heavens constant praise 

as He laughs and sings along

with all that He has made and 

loves and gave,

gave to me.

This yellow is a gift.

It comes down from the Father of lights

He doesn't change like shadows shifting

from morning until night

He always offers Yellow to me, to you.

Yellow in the undertones of skin and bone 

of Jesus Christ, only son.

Yellow in the groans,

souls deep crying, trying, finding 

faith in unfailing Fathers love 

even in the midst of spilling Spirit-filling blood,

life flowing without limit from the spring within 

For me this river runs from the wells supply,

deep inside of 

Him.

Just when all is lost and winters cold dark hands have grasped the soul

dawn breaks, Yellow warmth shines through

death could not hold this mans right hand,

could not restrain Living Hope's cry,

"Behold, I make ALL things new."

This yellow blooming forth from under earth 

it catches my eye, surely creation cannot lie

Wisdom himself gives in hopes I will receive,

He motions to the empty tomb and asks my heart,

Will you believe what is behind a 

single yellow bloom.

Beholding your beauty is all that I long for
to worship you Jesus is my sole desire
For this very heart you have shaped for your pleasure
purposed to lift your name high
Here in surrender
in pure adoration
I enter your courts with an offering of praise
I am your servant come to bring you glory 
as is fit for the works of your hand
Now unto the lamb who sits on the throne
be glory and honor and praise
all of creation resounds with the song
worship and praise Him 
Lord of Lords

Rise up, and Come away!

Hey hey!

Sooo, I had a post in the works and it was kinda a continuation of kinda where Ive been. I was going to start with some good old U2 lyrics "I still haven't found what I'm looking for". And to some extent, I still haven't and I am in fact, still looking for this new place of communion and intimacy with Jesus.

I have climbed highest mountains
I have run through the fields
Only to be with you
Only to be with you
I have run
I have crawled
I have scaled these city walls
These city walls
Only to be with you

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for

I believe in the Kingdom Come
Then all the colors will bleed into one
Bleed into one
But yes I'm still running

You broke the bonds
And you loosed the chains
Carried the cross
Of my shame
Oh my shame
You know I believe it

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for

BUT... it seems this past week has kinda shifted some things in my heart. Well I mean the week itself didn't do any shifting but the Holy Spirit of God may have infact done some renewing, refreshing, reviving, just simple showing up. You know how you can be having like one of those blah kind of days, nothing in particularly terrible about it, just not quite as wonderful as we hope for; and then you see someone you LOVE just because of who they are in your life, and all of the sudden theres a smile in your heart and something about the day is just brighter? Yea so this season (which honestly seems a little bit longer than just a season, it seems like its been a little too long) has been kinda like one of those days and this week has been kinda like one of those moments when that person comes in and brightens everything with their presence. Except its not just someone I love (although I do love the people in my life right now) who popped into my day, its like the Holy Spirit himself has come to visit and oh please oh please stay forever!

I also kinda hesitate to try to put words to this because I think too often I explain the beauty and glory out of Him. Words just aren't good enough sometimes you know? I like Song of Solomon right now. She tries to explain the One she loves to the other daughters of Jerusalem:

Her:

I charge you, daughters of Jerusalem,

If you find my beloved,

That you tell him I am lovesick!

Daughters: 

What is your beloved more than another beloved,

O fairest among women?

What is your beloved more than another beloved,

that you so charge us?

Her:

My beloved is white and ruddy,

Chief among ten thousand.

His head is like the finest gold,

His locks are wavy,

And black as a raven.

His eyes are like doves

By the rivers of waters,

Washed with milk,

And fitly set.

His cheeks are like a bed of spices,

Banks of scented herbs.

His lips are like lilies,

Dripping liquid myrrh.

His hands are rods of gold 

set with beryl.

His body is carved Ivory

inlaid with sapphires.

His legs are pillars of marble

Set on bases of fine gold.

His countenance is like Lebanon,

Excellent as cedars.

His mouth is most sweet,

Yes, He is ALTOGETHER LOVELY.

This is my beloved,

And this is my friend,

O daughters of Jerusalem!

I mean its a little out there but you can feel the passion, the joy she has in Him. The deep deep affection and she is so so convinced he is chief among ten thousands, he is beautiful, he is everything, there is NONE like him! You have to tell him I am lovesick, I need him, I have to find him! why why? because he is excellent! he is altogether lovely, he is my beloved, my friend. 

She is looking for him, out there searching for him because he is worth all her life and desire.

Revelation 1:
Jesus Christ, the faithful witness, the firstborn from the dead, and the ruler over the kings of the earth. To Him who loved us and washed us from our sins in His own blood, and has made us kings and priests to His God and Father, to Him be glory and dominion forever and ever. Amen.
Behold, He is coming with clouds, and EVERY eye WILL see Him, even they who pierced Him. And all the tribes of the earth will mourn because of Him. Even so, Amen.
"I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End," says the Lord, "who is who was and who is to come, the ALMIGHTY..
In the midst of the seven lamp stands One like the Son of Man, clothed with a garment down to his feet and girded about the chest with a golden band.
His head and hair were white like wool, as white as snow, and His eyes like a flame of fire;
His feet were like fine brass, as if refined in a furnace, and His voice as the sound of many waters
He had in his right hand seven stars, out of his mouth went a sharp two-edged sword, and his countenance was like the sun shinning in its strength.
And when I saw him, I fell at His feet as dead. But He laid his hand on me, saying to me, "Do not be afraid, I am the First and the Last.
I am he who lives, and was dead, and behold, I am alive forevermore. Amen. and I have the keys of hades and of Death."


This is the last book of of the bible, how often to we hear the name? Revelation. In my bible the heading for this book is called "The Revelation of Jesus Christ" Okay! I want that! I want to know this man, the one knocking on my door, the one my soul longs for, the only one who satisfies. The one who said, If you drink my blood and eat my flesh you will never hunger or thirst again. You will be filled! And I've been wondering where to start. Thank the Lord He leads me to simple obvious things like, maybe you should start by meditating on the descriptions and pictures I give of myself. I need to see who it is who Im coming to really believe (with my whole heart) lives inside me.


Psalm 45:
My heart is overflowing with a good theme;
I recite my composition concerning the King;
My tongue is the pen of a ready writer.
You are fairer than the sons of men;
Grace is poured upon Your lips;
Gird your sword upon your thigh, O Mighty One,
With your glory and Your majesty.
And in Your majesty ride prosperously because of truth, humility, and righteousness;
And your right hand shall teach you awesome things. 


I love the beginning, "my heart is overflowing with a GOOD theme!" how often does my heart overflow with my own fleshy "themes". But he tells us to think upon what is above, whatever is good and noble and excellent and praiseworthy: good. He IS the good theme! the best theme :)



Isaiah 9:
For unto us a child is born,
Unto us a Son is given;
And the government will be upon his shoulder.
And His name shall be called 
Wonderful, Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.


Luke 1
"And behold, you will conceive in your womb and bring forth a Son,
and shall call His name Jesus.
He will be great, and will be called the Son of the Highest; and the Lord God will give Him the throne of His father David.
And He will reign over the house of Jacob forever, and of His kingdom there will be no end.

John 1
Behold! The Lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world!


Jesus, Jesus, Jesus! This is all my hope and peace, all my righteousness. In Him, through Him, for Him, by Him, with Him.
In His prescence is fullness of Joy! and the Joy of the Lord is my strength!

You know it's back to the word about Holiness. Thats what HE (this Jesus) is calling me to right now and it IS more, it is ALL, every bit of my heart that he wants. And I do resist, and i don't know what "new" looks like. But how in the world was I ever gonna make myself holy? How was I ever gonna try to make it there by myself. By figuring it out, by searching? Sure, we can start there. But its Him! "Be holy because I am Holy. He is the holy one. Only Him living in me makes me holy. And yea, I won't settle for less than Him in me. But its important that I look at it that way. Because as long as I'm looking at it like "i won't be satisfied until I am holy" its going to be striving and pride and falling and trying and disappointed and discouraged when I don't have the faith to give myself to him. But if its "I won't be satisfied until I wake up as a lover as you" "All my fountains are in you" "spring up o well, within my soul, spring up and make me whole"

To [us] God willed to make known the riches of the glory of this mystery among the Gentiles: which is Christ in you, the HOPE of glory...
To this ^ end I also labor, striving according to His working which works IN my mightily."
Colossians 1

If were gonna strive for something, lets strive for what works. Strive to die to selfishness and be filled with this spirit of love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self control...Lets strive for something that is not of us and not even for us. And lets RUN there with all of his energy to will and to do, which works in us mightily. Because he wants this way more than we do!

I don't know what it looks like..many questions remain unlocked. But like we shared with the girls this week, the word is so beautiful, so full of glory (revealing him). And right now, as I sit on my parents front porch, barefoot, no caffeine in my body but still feeling this love course through me (thank you that its real!), a warm breeze (i love warm breezes!), hodge podge, the sun even though its wet from rain; Im filled with hope and I feel it. But even if I didn't feel it, even if it was a dark night with lots of losses and sticky situations and empty feelings, or friends with addictions, hurting children, impossible stories, shame...if I look around I see not just this beautiful day that God created, new and fresh. But I see the One who made it. I can see what he looks like, what he loves and wants to give.
I LOVE SPRING. There is hardly anything that gives me a greater high than the first glorious spring days. They make me wonder how I could ever be sad, lost or scared. But I see now, I love it so much because thats who He is. Jesus says,
"Behold I make ALL things NEW."
I can trust this beautiful worthy man, stepping into my heart and mind and repeating softly, hey I make it new, I make that new, I make this new, I make you new. listen to this voice, its the voice of the one who loves you MORE than any other, Ive always wanted the best for you, ill make it new, let me get that, let me have that, let me open that, let me give this.

So I think I'm the one searching and waiting but in all that I hear this voice call to me, because turns out, he wants me so much more than Ive ever wanted him:

My beloved spoke, He said to me;
Rise up, my love, my fair one, 
And come away,
For lo, winter is past, 
The rain is over and gone.
The flowers appear on the earth;
The time of singing has come,
And the voice of the turtledove
is heard in our land.
The fig tree puts forth her green figs,
And the vines with the tender grapes
Give a good smell.
Rise up, my fair one, my love, 
And come away.
Song of Solomon 2

My brother is in Israel right now seeing those new figs and those awesome little red poppies and maybe even hearing the turtledove, he helped in a vineyard and smelled that good smell. Its so real. Creation speaks with words that no language or person can say they don't understand. We see, feel, taste, touch, this beauty and I breathe deep and roll in the grass like a horse just to get it in me and all over me and believe it with my whole heart. I am new, this is real, HE lives in me. ALL of those passages about him are followed by a description of his bride that I can hardly rewrite because if I really am going here than they are about me. And thats a little too wonderful for me at the moment. But were going there. Until then Ill be looking for and at Him because His eyes of fire are the only ones that can burn away any doubts and worthlessness I feel in my heart.

joy. its something that can't just be grasped but is given when we receive the grace of God with thanksgiving. its something that even when we do receive it, feels like it can slip away in a minute, and it can if our eyes wander to something a little less real, a little less valuable, a little less worth it then Jesus Christ. its something that I've always been a little distant from, but o its pride to reject what he freely gives.

Rise up, and come away from all that. I will shine on you.